Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo Page #6

You know why

she did this?

You wanna know why

she went outside our marriage?

It's because

of my dick, man.

I mean, that's the reason.

It's my dick.

Take it easy.

You're saying your wife cheated on you

because your penis is too small?

It's not too small. It's too thin,

okay? My dick is too thin.

- I've got a thin dick!

- Can you keep it down?

- I'd like to come back here someday.

- Everybody knows...

that it's width, width that

gives sexual gratification.

I've read it.

Cosmo, Redbook, you name it.

What am I supposed to do? I've got

the thinnest penis in the world! Here.

- It's like a Twizzler. Look!

- No, no, stop that.

Sit down!

Sit!

It's not your dick.

It's you.

I'm telling you now,

if you painted it silver...

and twisted it on the end,

it'd look like a kickstand.

If man-whoring

has taught me anything,

it's that most women are as unhappy

with their entire body...

as you are

with your small penis.

- Thin penis.

- Whatever.

- While you're worried about your penis,

- Thin penis.

women are worried

about their height,

their weight,

their giant feet,

the stream of obscenities that could

burst through their mouth at any second.

If you make a woman

feel good about herself,

it really doesn't matter

what's wrong with you.

Even if it's

really, really thin?

We're talkin'

spaghetti stick.

Tell you what.

Every time you're feeling self-conscious

about your thin dick,

say something nice to make

your woman feel sexy.

I mean, is that it?

I mean, is that all there is?

There is

one other thing.

% Do a little dance

Make a little love %

% Get down tonight %

% Get down tonight %

% Do a little dance

Make a little love %

% Get down tonight

Get down tonight %

Uh, yes, sir.

Um, you're sure there isn't

anything you can do?

Yes, sir.

I understand.

Listen.

I really appreciate you helping me.

I guess

I misjudged you.

Anyway, I got you

off the hook.

Why am I still worried?

You got to give them T.J.

- I can't do that!

- You got no choice.

I've been workin'

on this case for three months.

- Boss says somebody's

got to be arrested.

- But T.J.'s my friend.

They're serious, Deuce.

Look, I don't like it,

but it's either you or him.

Your Honor, sex for money

is morally reprehensible.

Mr. Bigalow has compounded this crime

by refusing to name his he-pimp.

Therefore, we ask for

the maximum term...

for each of the five counts

of prostitution.

[Loud Thudding, Rumbling]

[Burps, Sighs]

Excuse me.

We never had sex.

We talked about it.

Well, I talked about it.

But Deuce never took advantage of me.

He should have.

But he's my friend.

He made me realize that I wasn't

just some hot babe with huge tits.

Even though I am.

Oh, and he also

got me walkin' again.

Deuce and I

never had sex.

- It was physically impossible.

-[Man #1] Freak!

It's true I paid him money

to be with him,

and I'd do it again because he made me

feel good about myself.

Behemoth.

[Coughs]

And no one ever

touched my feet before.

[Man #2] That's a huge b*tch!

Deuce taught me to be

comfortable with who I am.

Thank you, Deuce.

Y-- A**hole!

These are very serious

charges, Mr. Bigalow.

I just have one question

to ask you.

During your entire stint as a he-whore,

did you have sex with anyone?

- Yes, Your Honor.

- [Spectators Gasp]

Just one woman.

- And I'm in love with her.

- [All Gasping]

Order!

[Banging Gavel]

Order, please.

This is very important,

Mr. Bigalow.

Did she pay you for sex?

No.

Case dismissed.

[All Cheering]

Yes!

These shots will deaden

the nerve area...

where your hair transplants

will be.

There.

That should do it.

Nurse, would you please

remove our donor hair.

I'll be back

in a minute.

Mr. Johnson, please

Just lie back down now.

Oh, my God.

Deuce!

Kate, listen to me.

What are you

doing here?

It's the only way

I could get you to see me.

Deuce, it's over

between us.

[Grunting]

Listen,

those shots

hurt like hell.

Could you at least

hear me out?

Well, I don't know how much you charge

by the hour, but you have one minute.

Okay.

I deserved that.

I should've told you

right from the start,

but I was afraid.

Afraid of what?

Afraid that a girl

as wonderful as you...

could never fall for a guy

who cleans fish tanks.

'Cause that's who

I really am.

This whole gigolo thing

was just a mistake.

But I'm glad

it happened...

'cause I never

would have met you.

I never would have known

what love was.

I'm sorry.

I'm not perfect.

[Sighs]

I'm not perfect either.

Yes, you are.

You're perfect in every way.

I knew it

the moment I met you.

Kate.

"You have a smile

that could melt an iceberg"

"Your lips

are as sweet as honey"

"You may only have

one leg,

but it's the most beautiful

leg in the world."

Are you kissing me?

'Cause I can't feel a thing.

[Laughing]

[Woman On P.A.] Now boarding

at gate 53.

Flight 14 to Sydney, Australia

is now boarding--

I've never done this

in 12 hours before.

I'm not responsible

if the seals leak.

Sh*t!

S-Sh*t cabinet!

[Snoring]

Come on, put the fish

in the tank already.

Antoine's plane landed

I think

we're gonna be okay.

Could you step this way,

please?

Is it time to put

the big guy in yet?

[Sighs] Give him another minute.

Temperature's not right.

Spread them again, please.

[Deuce] Okay, we can put

the last fish in.

Looks like

you pulled it off, kid.

[Bergita] Time for some tequila!

[Blender Whirring]

[Whirring Stops]

Margaritas, anybody?

[Panting] I need... Chinese...

tailbar... lionfish.

- 700, 800.

- Where'd you get all that money?

- Friends.

- Yeah, right.

Anything else?

On second thought, you'd better give me

some of those sea snails.

So, uh,

how was your trip?

Very good...

till about three hours ago.

Yeah?

What happened?

I don't wanna talk

about it.

The place looks good.

Good to be home.

I should take off

so you can relax.

Is there something

you're not telling me?

Yeah.

I put your mail on the nightstand.

[Clears Throat]

Right.

What the hell is this?

A chocolate margarita.

You've been having

a party?

It was, uh, more like, uh,

a welcome-home thing, really.

I could really use one

right now.

[Slurping]

Spicy.

- I should probably go.

- My fish.

They look smaller.

Sometimes

when they're, uh, sick,

they'll shrink.

Hey, fishy, fishy,

fishy, fishy.

Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy,

fishy, fishy, fishy.

-[Tapping On Glass]

- Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy.

[Glass Cracking]

I did man-whore for a little bit,

but none of your clients.

None of them.

I know an aquarium guy

who can fix all of this.

- He's a little expensive--

- Hah!

Deuce!

[Yelling, Grunting]

No!

[Grunts]

- Deuce!

- No!

[Gasps]

[Gasping]

-[Extracts Arrow]

- [Groans]

Ohh.

[Sighs]

Hey! Tough guy.

What do you think of this?

You're busted.

What's goin' on

out here?

I can see!

You're black.

I knew it.

[Giggles]

% Love %

% Is what I want %

% Whoa, yeah %

% And all you gotta do

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