Dick Page #4

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I'm a night owl.

What's the deal with

that Watergate thing?

Do you know anything about it?

No, no, absolutely nothing.

I don't know a thing.

No way, Jos!

Because I live in the Watergate...

...and one time we saw

that Liddy guy there...

...then we saw him at the White House,

and now he's gonna go to jail.

Is there something

I can do for you...

...or your family?

There must be something you desire.

I have to go now. Good night.

My sweet prince.

I think he's a vampire.

But he doesn't even have a tuxedo.

Oh, Myrna, you are something.

You are really something.

Pat, will you stop snoring,

goddamn it!

My head is about to explode!

So you're the President's lawyer?

Why does the President need a lawyer?

Good question. I just...

I don't know.

- It's you two.

- Mr. President.

The Attorney General is

waiting upstairs, sir.

Didn't I fire him?

It's the new one, sir.

- We're here to walk Checkers.

- Oh, my goodness!

I'm so busy that I sometimes forget

about the rest of God's creatures.

Here. I'll be back after lunch.

Look.

We should leave a message for Dick.

Like what?

I think it's time

you told him how you feel.

I can't.

Maybe he loves you too, but he

doesn't think you're interested.

If you care for him at all...

...you'll tell him.

Okay, you just have to go first.

Hi, Mr. President!

This is Betsy and Arlene.

We wanted to thank you for letting us

be your Secret Youth Advisers...

...and for letting us walk Checkers...

...and for...

Well...

I don't know what else for,

so here's Arlene.

She has something

very personal to tell you.

I love you.

I know that you have a lot

of things on your mind...

...because you're

the President and all.

But I can't keep my feelings

inside any longer.

I've never felt this way

about anyone...

...not even about Bobby Sherman,

who I adore...

...but now I realize that

that was just puppy love...

...and this is the real thing.

Hey, Checkers. Hi, sweetie.

I realize you're married and that

we can never really be together...

...but I'll love you forever.

Good boy.

Poo-poo.

There's this song

by Olivia Newton-John...

...that I think best describes

the way I feel about you.

It goes like this:

I love you

I honestly love you

You don't have to answer

I could see it in your eyes

But it's coming from my heart

And not my head

And then there was that time...

...when you put your hand

on my shoulder...

...and I got this warm,

tingly feeling inside.

And I knew, right then,

at that moment...

They'll be back soon.

You've been on

for 181 l2 minutes.

I have to go now. Goodbye.

I can't believe you were

talking that whole time.

What did you say?

Stuff.

It's personal.

I want to make sure it recorded.

Hunt's link to Colson is a problem.

I must've pushed fast-forward.

We can arrange for Hunt

to disappear in Latin America.

And we could always

un-disappear him if we want to.

Get down off of me, Checkers.

Get down off of me,

you piece of sh*t!

So let me tell you something.

We are going to use any means.

I just don't want this whole

f***ing Watergate business...

...biting me in the ass!

You know the goddamn Jews

are out to get me!

I don't think

the President of the U. S...

...should be recording

conversations like that.

Make it 8:
30.

Okay, will do.

Girls...

...did Checkers do his business?

- Excellent.

- Good, good.

I hope you left me

some of those yummy cookies.

Take care.

We have to go.

Oh, my stars!

Sounds very important.

It is.

Mr. President?

What is it, Bob?

I was wondering if you had

that package ready for me...

...to take home over the weekend?

Yeah, the musical tapes.

Bob and I are very big fans

of Guy Lombardo.

I taped them myself.

Let me know what you think.

I will, sir.

You were saying, Arlene?

We don't think you've been

completely honest with us.

If this is about

that Watergate nonsense...

...let me say once again...

...I had nothing to do with it, okay?

It's a plot created

by my enemies to disgrace me!

Those radical, muckraking bastards,

Woodward and Bernstein...

...at The Washington Post!

They're the liars here, you know!

Always hiding behind

the goddamn First Amendment!

Let me tell you something!

It won't protect them from me!

Actually, it was just about the dog.

You act like you like him...

...but we don't think you do.

What dog?

Now that you mention it,

people are talking about Watergate...

...and they say you lied.

And I'm Jewish.

I know.

I had you checked out.

There's probably more in there

than you know about yourselves.

Even grades?

Grades...

...your parents' income tax returns...

...overdue library books.

The whole kit and caboodle.

Is there stuff

about my father in there?

Who was he?

A lady's shoe salesman

at Garfinkle's or some such place.

Got hit by a garbage truck

at the age of 24.

Your mom never said

it was a garbage truck.

Strictly small time.

Never amounted to much.

Well, at least he wasn't a liar.

We heard that tape!

- What'd you hear?

- You kick Checkers!

And you're prejudiced,

and you have a potty-mouth!

You're a bad man!

You stinking little idiots,

get out of here!

And don't ever come back here again!

You don't mess with the big boys!

Wait!

I would like to apologize

for his actions.

He's been under

a lot of stress lately.

It's too late. We're not friends

with him anymore, period!

And if you stay,

you're just as bad as he is.

Wait!

It's gonna be okay.

I hate Dick!

It was stupid of me

to fall in love with Dick.

What was I thinking?

Dick just disgusts me now.

You know, Arlene...

...Dick meant a lot to me too.

But I've been thinking...

...you can't let Dick run your life!

Do you mind?

We're having a personal conversation.

What happened?

Larry wasn't at Jake's house.

Larry was at a porno movie.

Hi, Daddy!

Hi, girls.

Would you mind going upstairs

for just a minute?

Would you mind going upstairs

for just a minute?

I don't understand

the title of that porno movie.

"Deep throat" means...

...when the woman puts

the man's penis in her mouth.

Okay, what now?

Prank phone calls?

Okay, who?

Miss Spinnler?

Sean Freshman?

No, we always do him.

I know, I know! These guys!

The "radical, muckraking bastards."

Excusez-moi?

These are the guys that are writing

all that stuff about Watergate.

And this one's kind of hunky.

Gross.

Well, you liked Dick.

Washington Post.

I'm the daughter

of the British ambassador...

...and I have some very important

information concerning Watergate...

...for your newspaper.

One moment.

I'm on hold!

Woodward.

I can't. I can't.

Who's this?

I just told you. Bob Woodward.

Good.

We know things.

What kind of things?

About Dick.

I mean, the President.

On the record?

Can I use your name?

They don't get that it's a joke!

That just makes it funnier.

Unless you go on the record

or have documentation...

I have deadlines.

This is The Washington Post.

A documentation.

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