Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star Page #2

I've been calling all morning.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, you know those pigeons

I feed?

They attacked me,

six of the bastards.

I had to go get stitches.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Oh, come on,

what is this guy doing?

Hey, move that pile.

The light ain't getting

any greener, jarhead.

Hey, screw you, man.

Why don't you step

out of that little,

bitty wussy car

and talk to my face, huh?

Hey, screw you.

I'll kick your

steroid-Ioving ass, moron.

Jujube.

I'm going to bust you up, man.

Smell you later, stink bomb.

I'll find you.

Three, G, Q...

Hey, Dickie, aren't you worried

about that guy

tracking you down and beating

the crap out of you?

No, I'm in someone else's car,

plus the windows are tinted.

Hey, listen, this movie part

sounds like

the key to everything, man.

You've got to get me in

to see Rob Reiner.

And as your agent,

let me ask you this...

you got any ideas?

'Cause, I mean, that's just

way out of our league.

Now, you want

to get on Elimidate,

that's a different story.

I think if I talk

to some movie stars,

they can help me.

Yeah, you, where are you

going to meet movie stars?

Oh, man, that's the easy part.

So, I woke up in a boxcar

outside Lincoln, Nebraska.

All right, it was

5:
00 in the morning.

Hey, Tom Arnold, what's up?

Hey, hey, it's Tom "A"

in here, okay?

And keep quiet;

it's just getting good.

She's a cross-addicted

sex addict.

Ooh.

And I realized

that I had hit bottom.

I hit bottom.

I see you on TV all the time.

You're doing great.

Listen, what's up?

Hey, Orville and Wilbur called.

They want to buy your collars.

They're going to take off

from Kitty Hawk at sundown.

What does that mean?

They invented the airplane,

and your lapels

are unusually huge.

That's funny.

Yeah.

Or is it?

I can bench-press 350 pounds.

That's great.

That's a lot.

Hey, man, I see you everywhere.

You're kicking ass.

True Lies was great.

I rent it all the time.

Can you get me in

with Rob Reiner?

Excuse me. Sir?

Can we help you?

Are you here

because you're an alcoholic?

Whoa. No. No. Baby.

Don't get that

floating around town.

Last thing I need

is people to think

I'm some drunk, alkie loser.

Not that it's bad.

I mean, it's cool.

You need to be

an alcoholic to be here.

All right.

Aw, there's got to be another AA

meeting around here somewhere.

Bingo. I'll take Brendan Fraser

to block.

Whew! Sorry I'm late, gang,

but I am wasted.

Drinking shots like a madman.

I'm chocked,

cocked and crapulous.

You know what I mean?

One tequila, two tequila,

three tequila, floor.

Right? Who's with me?

This guy knows what I'm saying.

Can we help you?

Oh, God, I hope you can.

My name's Dickie Roberts,

and I'm a whiskey-puking alkie.

Well, that's all

very interesting,

but this is a Lamaze class.

Oh. Okay. Nice to see you.

I'm telling this story

to everybody I see.

That's got to be the dumbest

thing I've ever witnessed.

Maybe it was.

But listen, what are you doing

in Lamaze class anyway?

Is your wife pregnant?

Yeah.

My wife is pregnant.

Here she is now.

Have you met?

- Uh... no.

- Actually, we have.

Three years ago, you hit on me,

and I shot you down,

and then you stole my number

from a friend.

You know that we've been married

more than three years, right?

And then you drunk-dialed me,

like, 30 times,

trying to hook up

some sort of booty call.

Yes, right. What's up?

Anyway, I got to pee.

Nice to see you.

Yes. Good to see you again.

Anyway, Brendan,

I'm a big fan and...

And you think

that you could score

if I got you an audition

for Mr. Blake's Backyard?

Oh, my God. Of course.

Yeah, I can make a phone call

for you. Is it Rob Reiner?

Oh, my God!

I love Brendan Frazier.

Fraser.

It is Fraser.

It's Fraser.

Why do people say...?

So, my good buddy...

maybe you've heard of him-

Jorge of the Jungle...

Brendan Frazier.

Oh, you heard me.

I didn't stutter.

Brendan Frazier is

going to make a call...

hook me up with Rob Reiner.

Did Mr. Frazier call you?

I'll believe it when I see it.

Okay, I raise ten bucks.

Actually, one buck

and the original

braces that Marcia wore

in the "Brace Yourself"

episode...

easily worth

nine bucks on eBay.

Gross. I'm in.

All right, I'm in.

All right,

speaking of big stars,

anybody see who People Magazine

gave "Sexiest Man Alive" to?

George Clooney.

Don't get it.

George Clooney?

That doesn't make sense.

Who is voting on that stuff?

You know what, though?

George Clooney is a great star.

He's huge, and deservedly so.

I loved that boat movie.

You know who I don't

get is Brad Pitt.

Yeah, what's up with Brad Pitt?

Brad Pitt changes

his hair every day.

Are girls really into guys

with great hair,

pretty faces

and built like a truck?

- Yeah.

- Actually, yeah.

You know, one time,

someone thought I was

Brad Pitt from the side.

Yeah, I know, like, 20 people

who thought you were a girl

and not from the side.

Watch it.

I raise two bucks

with this authentic replica

of the jinxed

Tiki idol

from the Brady episode

"Hawaii Bound."

Easily worth two bucks on eBay.

I am out.

Yeah, I'm out.

I'm out.

There's your two.

And you know who I don't get?

Vin Diesel.

Oh, yes!

Who's Vin Diesel?

Is he good-Iooking?

I mean, I don't know

what's going on with him.

Is he Chinese?

I don't know.

That's so horrible, man.

You're such a dick.

Besides, he'd kick your ass.

Come on, Dickie.

How jealous can you get, really?

It's getting bad.

Vin Diesel's actually

a cool guy.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

He actually lent me money once.

I just want to be a star again

so goddamn bad.

What's the thing

you miss the most, Dickie?

You know what?

It's not the limos.

Oh, I miss the limos.

It's not the girls,

the money, the parties...

The girls, the money,

the parties...

No, wait.

Seriously, you guys had limos?

You know what?

It's not that stuff I miss.

It's something else.

It's... it's something

I miss so bad it hurts.

I just miss the love, you know?

I miss...

My mom loved me

when I was a star,

and people loved me

when I was a star.

And when somebody loves you,

it gives you a center.

It makes you feel good inside.

That's what being a star

did for me.

But you know what?

It's all going to happen.

I got my fingers crossed.

I got my hopes up

for this Rob Reiner thing.

Anyway... back to work.

Two pair, Williams.

Read it and weep.

Uh-uh-uh!

What are you, nucking futs?

Four of a kind.

You lose.

Oh, man.

And, Dickie,

they don't give out giant Rob

Reiner parts to guys like us.

And I'll bet you

a thousand dollars...

I'll make it a hundred dollars...

and the actual football we used

to hit Marcia in the face with

in that "Oh, My Nose, My Nose"

episode,

Brendan Frazier never calls.

Hold, please.

No freakin' way.

Go for Dickie.

"Go for Dickie."

Brendan.

Of course I can meet Rob

Reiner tomorrow at noon.

You're the coolest.

You came through.

Thank you.

Oh, my God! He did it!

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