Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star Page #3

Sidney, this is the big one.

I'm telling you, I can feel it.

Thanks for letting me

use your car.

You go, son. Go.

You hang on to that energy.

Oh, I will. I'm going

to nail this bastard.

All right, now, remember:

You believe, you'll receive.

You doubt, you'll go without.

Oh, here's my song.

I got to go.

It is the night

My body's weak

I'm on the run,

no time to sleep

Word to your mother.

I'm going to ride

Ride like the wind

To be a star again

Changing the words,

not the vibe.

Whoo-hoo! This part is mine!

Boom.

Hold the door!

Okay.

Hold it.

I've got it.

Ooh!

Oh.

Hello?

Of course.

Listen, sorry about that.

It's just I couldn't

be late to see Rob.

Yikes! I mean, not yikes.

I mean, what bump?

Hey, are these

Mr. Blake's Backyard?

Can I have one?

Everybody in town

is dying to read it,

but this script is on a

complete and total lockdown.

However...

I'll sneak you a copy

'cause I recognize

you from that TV show.

- Ooh, you will?

- Sure.

Although you'll have to wait

until hell freezes over,

a**hole!

Yes?

Yeah.

Mr. Reiner will see you now.

Okay.

Dickie Roberts!

This is nucking futs!

Say it.

This is nucking futs!

Hilarious.

Now say it in Spanish.

Aw, I'm kidding ya.

So Nicholson says

to Tom Cruise...

you know, in that...

that Jack voice of his...

"That Demi Moore

is a really good actress.

"We should re-title the movie

A Few Good Men and One Damn,

Hot Chick with Huge B*obs."

Didn't I see you

parking cars

at Morton's Restaurant?

Me?

Yes, you did.

I'm researching

a role for a movie,

and that movie

is called Valet Parkers.

But you know what?

If I got your movie, I'd turn

that thing down. Who cares?

So this part...

I mean, you are exactly

the height that I imagined.

You have the right build,

the right hair,

the right basic look.

Know this:

I will do any form

of drastic cosmetic surgery

to change my appearance

to help the look.

But... and this

is a very big but...

this is a huge acting part.

I mean, the entire movie

hinges on this performance.

And, Dickie, I just don't think

you could handle it.

I mean, because, well...

because you're

not a real person.

Not real?

I don't mean to insult you.

It's just that, you know,

when an actor researches a part,

it takes weeks,

sometimes months,

to get inside of a character.

For you

to research this part,

you'd have to find out

what it's like to be normal.

Because basically,

that's this guy.

He's just a simple, normal guy.

I could do that.

That's easy.

But you don't even know

what normal is.

You completely missed out

on the basic foundation

of adulthood...

which is a childhood.

Who cares about all that stuff?

Look, I'm good.

Throw me

a little somethin'-somethin'

from this supposed childhood

I missed, I'll act it out, man.

Check it out.

A-All right. Uh...

Let's say you're...

you're six.

Uh, let me see

the look on your face

on Christmas morning

when you creep down the stairs

and you see that red bike

under the tree.

You probably never

even had that experience.

Gotcha, six, bike, tree, stairs.

Fake stairs.

Holy sh*t! A bike!

You're six.

Holy crap! A bike!

You're six.

Ga-ga, goo-goo bikey.

Too far back.

Dickie, you're a mess.

I mean, I-I don't know

what you'd have to do

to straighten out.

You'd probably have to relive

your entire childhood.

Wait.

I'm not actually

casting this part

for another couple of months,

but barring

some kind of a miracle,

Yeah.

I just don't think

this is right for you.

But you just said...

Said what?

If I relive my childhood.

I can do that.

Dickie,

you're going to hire a family?

That's why I'm selling my book...

I need money.

We're happy about that.

This is amazing stuff.

What a life you've led.

The only thing I ask

is that you minimize the

sexy, sensational stuff

because it might hurt my career

with people like Rob Reiner.

Here on, uh, page 47,

it says you had a whistle

stuck up your ass.

Yeah, stuff like that.

I think we should... cut it.

Yeah, but it's a whole chapter.

- It's fantastic.

- And, also,

I had a lightbulb up there, too.

- A lightbulb?

- Well, partially.

It was sticking out a little bit

and when I bent over,

it looked like my ass

had a good idea.

Dickie, this whole thing

just sounds bizarre.

No, you know what, I need this.

You know I want a big comeback

and this is the one.

Please help me on this, Sidney.

Come on.

Of course,

our standard advance

for something like this

is $30,000.

Did you say $30,000?

Holy God Almighty!

Christ on a crutch!

We'll take it!

You have 67 messages.

First message:

I saw your ad

about hiring a family.

You that actor guy

needs a family?

Uh, yeah, but, you know what,

this whole thing's

not going to work,

but thank you.

Get back here!

Dance with the devil!

Leave me alone!

You got the cizash,

we got the family.

Sad Eye Sadie...

...Mad Dog, is it, Giant?

Uh, I'm going to think about it.

Great.

Hey, yo, Dickie.

You nucking futs? Yo.

Call a b*tch.

I don't actually have

a family, per se.

Is it hot in here?

I'm just going

to take off my robe.

Oh!

Oh, God.

This one's been teasing me.

Come on, Popeye.

Hello.

Hi.

- Uh, may I help you?

- Yeah. I got a message

that you had a family

that was willing to put me up

for a month?

Uh, sorry,

there must be some mistake.

No, uh, 741 Mockingbird.

Is this the Finney residence?

Yes, it is,

but I don't know

what you're talking about.

- Hey, George.

- Hey, Andy.

Dickie Roberts.

"This is nucking futs!"

It is.

George Finney... big fan.

I just loved your show.

Oh, my goodness.

I thought you looked familiar.

But, George, did you...?

Oh, Grace, I should explain.

Dickie and I talked

on the phone

about a mutually advantageous

business venture.

Why don't we, uh,

go inside;

I'll explain everything.

All right, that sounds great.

- Hey.

- This is the casa.

- Whoo!

- Kids?

Kids?

Hey, kids, come here

for a second.

I want you to meet somebody.

George, can I talk to you

for a minute?

Just a second, Grace.

Dickie, this is Sam and Sally.

Sam's the boy,

so, that must make her Sally.

Okay, why don't you guys

make small talk,

and Grace and I

will pop into the other room

and hammer out some details.

Hi.

How are you?

We're fine.

How are you?

You don't think you should have

run all this by me first?!

George, you invited a stranger

to live in our home.

It's only for a month or so.

- Well...

- Look,

you just finished

night school, right?

Studied your

interior design thing.

That cost money.

Money we don't have.

That is one of the reasons

I took those classes...

so I can contribute an income.

When?

George...

All I'm saying is we could

really use this extra

money right now.

Pay for some TV ads

down at the car lot.

Take some of the pressure

off of me.

I'm asking you this as a favor.

Help me out with this.

I think it'll be a good thing.

I'm going to need a bed.

Should it be a crib?

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