Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star Page #4

Here's a $20.

I like the idea.

Let's just bring it back

a touch, okay?

Seriously,

how about a water bed?

A water bed?

Yeah, I got

a little lower back noise.

My neck's crunching up.

I think I'll move in tomorrow,

bright and early.

Sounds great, huh?

Operation Re-do Childhood

is about to begin.

I don't want him in our room.

Kids, we really want this thing

with Mr. Roberts to work out,

so, let's try and be

as accommodating as possible.

Okay?

I like that;

I like where you're headed.

That's the right attitude.

All right.

Dickie, I'm telling you,

I've called Reiner's office

over and over.

They won't put me through.

I must have left five to six

to seven or eight messages.

Well, then, leave

nine, ten or eleven.

Come on, by the end

of all this, Sidney,

you've got to get

me that audition.

Dickie, I bet you wish

you had a better agent.

No, you're my agent, man.

Come on, we're a team.

Hey, by the way,

I read that script,

Mr. Blake's Backyard

last night.

Oh, yeah?

I couldn't make head

or tails of it.

It's got so much adult stuff,

blah, blah, blah...

I didn't know what was going on.

Maybe I do need

to learn something.

Well, Hutch is your dad.

You've got more talent

in your veins

than half the actors

in this town.

You'll be great.

Sidney, David Soul

is not my father.

Oh, kid, I'm sorry.

Is it Starsky?

No. It's neither.

I don't really remember

my real dad.

The only memory I have

is playing

that board game Candy Land.

I was about five or six.

We were laughing.

I was really happy.

But then he left,

and it was just me and my mom

for a while,

and then she left, so...

I'm sorry, kid.

Sidney, the point is,

you've always been there for me.

You've been a good guy.

You're a good agent;

I appreciate it.

All right, listen,

you go do your project,

and I promise you,

I'll do whatever it takes

to get you that audition

with Rob Reiner, okay?

I never doubted you

for a second.

We're a team.

We're going to get this.

Go get 'em!

And another thing,

Stranger Danger,

all these video games...

they're mine.

And, uh, Sally's stuff...

that's hers.

So, no touchy.

Hey, can you knock it off

with the Stranger Danger

moniker?

I'm not nuts about it.

Well, I think this water bed

thing is a little silly.

Are you, like,

cuckoo in the head?

Yeah, and I don't think

you should turn on that hose.

You'll get

a Water Wiggle action going.

Ooh, Water Wiggle... what's that?

The toy... Water Wiggle?

You don't know what toy that is?

Uh-uh.

Oh, man, this is sad.

You really did miss out,

didn't you, Stranger Danger?

Well, I can teach you

how to put Preparation H

on your eyes

to get rid of bags, huh?

I'll help you, you help me.

I'm just saying

a Water Wiggle

will beat the crap out of you.

Yeah, it's less of a toy

and more of a bruise machine.

I like that, that's interesting,

tell me more.

What other toys should I know?

Uh, Gobots, Hot Wheels, Robodon.

Transformers.

Slip 'n Slide.

Stratego.

Mousetrap.

- Trolls.

- Hurry Up.

- He-man.

- Slinky.

- Dumarina.

- Click Clacks.

- Pac-Man.

- Clue.

- Wheel-o.

- Donkey Kong.

- Caterpillar.

- Duncan Yo-Yo.

- Razor Scooters.

- Return to Wolfenstein.

Uh-uh-uh.

Okay, that's enough.

Don't make me call

the Guinness Book.

But what about

the best game of all?

Come on, guys.

Candy Land?

- No.

- Don't know it.

No? I got you.

Whoo! In your face. Candy Land.

That was the most fun

I had as a kid.

I remember I picked the card

with the ice-cream bar on it.

I was like...

We have a winner! Whoo!

Yeah, whatever.

But still, it's Water Wiggle

that you should

be thinking about.

Steady, Chicken Little.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

What's up? You like that?!

Yeah! What happened, b*tch? Huh?

Damn, that Water Wiggle thing

is like a Stephen King movie.

It's supposed to be a toy?

Anyway, okay, so, this

is a Water Wiggle.

Any other toys

you want to show me?

Oh, my gosh.

Look at all this shizzit.

What's shizzit?

It's a secret way to swear.

Again, learn from me,

I'll learn from you.

These were all our toys

from when we were kids.

Yeah.

Seems like only yesterday.

Wow, we sure did have

a lot of shizzit.

Farm-a-Iong.

The rooster crows

his morning crow.

And the horse whinnies

- For its rider.

- Boring.

Let me guess...

the cow says "moo"

and the duck says "quack."

You need to update this thing.

How about

"The sprinkler says..."

Yeah. And a motorcycle goes...

And the jet ski... similar

to the motorcycle, not the same.

See, it bogs out a little bit

'cause you got water

in the carb. Hmm?

Sally's looking at me like,

"You're an idiot."

Well, get in line, sister,

because my ex-girlfriend says,

"You're a loser,"

and the casting director says,

"You're washed up,"

and my mom says,

"You're an embarrassment,"

and the guy in the street says,

"You suck,"

and I said, "No, you suck,"

and he says, "You suck, dude,"

and I go, "No, you suck,"

and he goes,

"You know you suck," and I go...

The rooster crows.

The rooster crows.

What else you got?

Could you pass the potatoes,

please?

Popeye, no.

Go.

Oh, hey, Mom, where's

my field hockey jersey?

I couldn't find it.

Hmm. I washed it and folded it

and put it in your drawer.

No wonder you couldn't find it.

Hey, Stranger Danger,

I got to ask,

what's with the gloves?

It's kind of freaking me out.

Uh, sanitary reasons. Shh.

Anyway, you guys,

I don't want to stop you...

keep going.

Talk, talk, talk.

I love all this normal crap.

"Crap?"

Stuff. Normal stuff.

Hey, where's George?

I want a little Dad action.

He's hardly ever at dinner.

Sally, Jane called.

She wants you to call her back.

Who's this Jason boy

she's got a crush on?

Oh, just some boy,

but Heather Bolan

is totally stealing him

away from her.

Why?

Because she can.

She's the most beautiful girl

in the school,

and whatever she wants,

she gets.

Heather Bolan

has an older brother.

He's a real jerk.

He totally picks on Sam.

It seems like everybody

at school does.

There's my phone.

Shh. Two seconds.

Go for Dickie.

Hey, Dickie.

Hey, Sidney.

I just got back

from Rob Reiner's office.

Guess who was there?

Sean Penn.

No, not Sean Penn!

Not Sean Penn! Damn!

Oh, Dickie,

don't worry about it.

I struck up a friendship

with Rob's security people.

I really feel

we're moving forward.

Yes! And this studying-up-

on-being-a-kid thing

is going great.

Get me in there,

I'll nail that part

like Jesus the Carpenter.

All right,

I'll see you later, buddy.

Heh-heh! Whoo!

Oh, sorry.

I get a little excited.

I'm gonna go drain the main

vein, how about that?

I mean, I go pee pee now.

It's so crazy.

The Water Wiggle thing

was a joke.

He destroyed this toy

that pissed him off.

It's like he was

totally out of control.

Mom, you've got to listen to me.

We don't want him

around anymore.

Can't you make him go away?

I'd like to,

but your father made

this deal with him.

Wait, I got it.

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