Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star Page #5

Let's pretend that staying

in our tree house out back

is good for his project.

Yeah. But, Sam, the tree house

is pretty old and crappy.

So is he.

We want him out of our house,

don't we?

Don't we?

Hey.

You know what, Dickie?

We came up with a great idea.

Maybe you should stay

out back in the tree house.

Sam, that's a great idea.

A real kid would do that,

wouldn't he?

Yeah. Yeah, that might be fun.

All right.

I wonder what

he's doing up there.

Who cares, just so Stranger

Danger's out of our house.

But still.

Yeah.

It actually looks pretty cool.

Is that a disco ball?

Woo!

See, maybe we should

peek our heads in.

Okay, let me do the talking.

Uh, may I help you?

Was I being too loud

in my tree house?

Um...

Well, we just wanted to know

if we could come up.

"Can we come up?"

All right, you can come up

for a little bit,

see what you're missing.

Well, you really fixed

this place up, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, I did.

Put a little lipstick

on this pig.

But I'm confused,

'cause you like it now,

and I thought the tree

house was a drag.

If I took a poll,

people would say it sucked.

But maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe I'm stupid,

maybe I'm a dumb-dumb.

It is kind of cool now.

Oh, it's cool now.

You hear that?

It's kind of cool now.

Let's go.

Wait.

Don't leave.

You guys can stay.

What do you want to do?

And so the hook hand

was hanging there

on the car door.

Ooh, that was intense.

Okay, now it's my turn.

All right.

This is the story of the witch

of Cloverfield Central School.

Once upon a time,

there was this witch in school.

She was a very, very bad witch.

Ha, ha.

All the boys liked her,

because they didn't know

what a bad witch she was.

Sally,

does this witch have a name?

Mm...

No, not really.

Just a witch.

Right, and Sally,

what does this witch look like?

Okay, she dresses very nice,

'cause her dad

has a lot of money.

Really hot capris,

super tight Zootopia tops.

I don't think this is a witch.

I think it's Heather Bolan.

What? That's crazy.

Okay, it's Heather Bolan.

Oh, you know what, Sally?

I don't like her

and I've never even met her.

Anyone who bugs you

can't be good.

Now it's my turn.

My story is called "The Day

the Sitcom Got Canceled."

The sky, she was stormy

that night.

Suddenly, the phone rang.

The little boy's mother

picked it up.

"Hello?"

The evil producer on

the other end said,

"The ratings have hit

a six-year low."

It gets scarier.

"The network is in a panic."

Yeah.

Here's where it heats up.

They didn't

have a replacement show.

No, no!

Dickie!

I know,

what are they going to do?

What? What's wrong?

There's something...

Okay, I'll stop. What?

No.

Don't, don't.

Get away.

No, get off.

He's having a nightmare.

He's been talking in his sleep

like that for the last hour.

Dickie?

He's getting... Get off.

- Don't leave me.

- Dickie, wake up.

No. It's on me.

I can't...

Mom?

What?

Do something.

No, not again.

Dickie, wake up.

Dickie, wake up.

Wake up.

You were having a bad dream.

Oh, there were these big spiders

and they...

they were trying to eat me

and they jammed their legs

down my ear

and in my brain,

and they were...

Mom.

...guts of my head and...

Come on, Mom, sing it.

And there was so many...

Okay. Dickie,

this is what I do for my kids

when they're having a nightmare.

Hush little baby,

don't say a word

Mama's gonna buy you

a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird

don't sing

Mama's going to buy you

a diamond ring

If that diamond ring

turns brass...

Okay.

Let's go to bed.

It's okay.

Now, that was probably

the nicest thing

anyone's ever done for me.

You feel bad, and your mom

actually tries

to make you feel not bad.

Wow.

By the way,

your mom's really hot.

- What?

- Ew!

What, am I wrong?

And what's the backyard like?

Has she got the G-string going

or them big ol' grannies

with the louvers?

I'm betting sweet thong.

- Ugh!

- Gross!

Yuck.

Come on, Sam,

pretend she's not your mom.

Are they real?

I think they're real.

I bumped into them the other day

and it was like "boing,"

and I was like "boing."

Dickie, she's our mom.

She's my mom, too,

and I'm dealing with it somehow.

Anyway.

Good night, prude people.

Dream the dream of prudes.

Prude it up.

Have a nice G-rated dream

full of prudiness.

Go to sleep, Dickie.

Okay, Stranger Danger,

this is a Slip 'n Slide.

If you master this,

it's the first step

to being a real kid.

- Great.

- Dickie,

there has to be water on it.

Oh, that's...

that's going to leave a mark.

That... stings.

Good to go.

- Yeah, all right.

- He did it.

That was great.

I got something better.

Just water is lame.

This thing needs

a little Wesson-ality.

Dickie, are you sure about this?

Steady.

Here we go.

Oh, shizzit!

Ow...!

Splinter.

That toy is

Insane in the membrane

Insane, got no brain.

I got pretty banged up out

there, but I learned some stuff.

Let's keep it mellow

in the future.

So, what do you drink,

being a kid?

Uh, soda, like-like root beer.

Well, not a wussy kid.

A real kid, all right?

You had me at the beer part,

but you lost me at root.

Now, let's not jump

to malt liquor,

but something in the middle.

How about real beer?

Whoa, lady. Easy.

Whoa.

Okay, real beer. How many?

Six-pack?

So, you're crazy?

A six-pack?

Are you a total alkie?

Oh, my gosh.

How about four?

One for you, one for you,

and two for me

'cause I'm kind of a husky kid.

Okay, so a six-pack.

You just said four.

Oh, the wussy's taking

the minutes of the meeting.

Okay, four it is.

I'll buy. I'll fly.

We have beer.

We're not supposed

to drink that.

What?

We're supposed to think

about drinking beer

one day, in the future.

It's like, uh, you know,

"When I get older,

I'm going to be allowed

to drink beer."

It's going too fast.

I knew kids

that were on TV shows

getting whiffed up

when they're 16.

"Whiffed up"?

Whiff, coke, toot,

lines, blast, rails,

nose candy, devil's dandruff,

power flour, sniffy jiffy,

booger sugar.

Come on, Sam, the rest

of the class is on page 52.

Dickie, when you're talking

to me, all I'm thinking is

Brick wall, waterfall

Dickie thinks he got it all,

but he don't

And I do, so boom

with that attitude

Peace, punch, Cap'n Crunch

I got something you can't touch

Bang, bang, choo-choo train

Wind me up, I do my thing

No Reese's Pieces, 7 UP

Mess with me, I'll mess you up.

Interesting.

Whatever.

Anyway.

By the way, sniffy jiffy,

it's no good.

Don't do it.

Let me tell you something.

About this putting stuff off?

When I was your age,

I did whatever I wanted,

whenever I wanted.

Okay, see, that might be

why you're such a mess now.

Oh! How dare you.

Anyway, check this out.

Look, I went ahead

and got you

your precious root beer.

Ooh, I love it.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G.

"I am Iron Man."

I want to bang your mother.

I said I want...

Oh...

By the way, thanks, you guys.

For what?

Being nice to me.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes