Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star Page #6

Knocking off

the Stranger Danger thing.

Well, Dickie, you're

actually a pretty cool guy.

I mean,

very deep down inside you.

I mean, really deep.

So deep that some people

stop looking.

Deeper than a well.

Deeper than the ocean.

Deeper than the Marianas Trench.

Deeper than a volcano.

Deeper than a...

All right, I got it...

it's deep.

Now, shh.

Sleepy time.

Little prude sleep.

Insane in the membrane

Insane, got no brain.

What time did you get in

last night?

Would you get off my back?

I was out with a

salesman all night.

They like to drink.

Morning.

Mommy, Daddy, bro, sis.

Good morning.

Morning, Dickie.

Hey, Pebbles, where's Bamm-Bamm?

Oh! Interesting.

Got a little champagne

brunch for my new family.

How about that?

Mimosa for me posse?

Champagne for my real friends,

and I'm a real pain

to my sham friends.

Dickie, I'd like you to stop by

the dealership today.

Oh, a little father-son thing?

What do I say to that, Sam?

Give it a yea?

I wouldn't know.

He never asked me

to go to work with him.

All right, mark you

down as no help.

Sally, over to you? Yea?

Yeah, a "yay" will cover it.

Yay!

So head up there

around, what, 12:00-ish?

All right. Heh-heh.

Hey, and you... push

me in a stroller.

I want to get a feel

for that thing.

What?

Ah-dah-dah.

Daddy!

Mommy's balking.

She doesn't understand...

I'm up against the likes

of Mr. Sean Penn here.

Grace, let's try

and make this work.

Yes, let's try to make it work.

Thanks, Daddy.

Whoo!

Whoo, whoopie!

This feels a little odd.

Dude, I'm the one

in the stroller.

Did you just call me "dude"?

I mean, "Mommy!"

It's hard to get my head

around that word.

You know, my actual mother

wanted me to call her

by her first name.

And you're, like,

way too beautiful

to be a mom.

I mean, you obviously are

a mother, so...

I'm wrong, but maybe you're not

as beautiful as I think you are.

Wow, let me sift

through that to find

the nugget of compliment.

Sift away, sifty.

You realize, don't you,

that this whole idea

is without a doubt

the most ridiculous endeavor

ever attempted.

Oh, Grace?

Hi-hi, Mrs. Gertrude.

You know, your tree

is dropping leaves

on our property again.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

It's just that I...

It's getting to be a nuisance,

and we're trying

to be good neighbors,

but you're really

making it hard.

Oh, who do we have here?

Aren't you a little

big for a stroller?

Aren't you a little big

for a sidewalk?

I mean, good God,

hide the wicker furniture.

Whoo! This ass means business.

Folks, this is not a drill.

China, I'm sorry

about the tremors,

but this lady needs her mail.

What, cat got your tongue,

or do you eat that

for breakfast, too?

And you keep your filthy dog

Popeye out of our yard, too,

you horrid neighbor!

Ca-coon, ca-coon, ca-coon.

Dickie, you were

very rude to her.

Well, and she was

straight-up with you?

Come on, Grace,

you got to learn to

stand up for yourself.

But to be honest,

I kind of liked standing

up for you just then.

Well, it...

I will say,

in a way, it was nice.

I'm not used to it.

Hey! You're that guy

from the TV show.

The washed-up actor freak.

Can I get a picture?

You know what?

You put it that way,

you sure can.

Look at this.

Smile.

Zoom. Nice.

Ah. There you go, Cap'n.

Memories are forever.

Hey, make doubles.

Unbelievable.

No, look, I'm sorry, all right?

Look, I'm new at this, too.

I need your help.

Well, I'll tell you

this much...

you're going to have

to disguise yourself somehow.

Wait, wait, wait,

what do you mean?

Like, dye your hair.

Anything, so people

don't recognize you

and make you forget

you're trying to be a kid.

That's a great idea.

Oh, not only is she sexy,

she's a smart mommy!

Why did that compliment

almost make me puke?

What'd I say?

That was nice.

So, this Indian's sitting

by the side of the road.

He's selling clay pots.

Now a tourist is

looking 'em over.

He says, "Hey,

"you're selling this pot

for five dollars.

You got the same exact pot

over there for ten dollars."

And the Indian says,

"Some people like to spend

five dollars;

other people like to spend

ten dollars."

Ah, I got a better joke.

Two gay monkeys

go to Istanbul...

Dickie, it's not a joke,

it's a philosophy of life:

money.

Oh...

Making money... isn't money

what your little comeback thing

is all about?

Actually, no, it's...

I'll be honest with you, Dickie.

I've been married for 14 years

to the same woman,

and we got a couple of kids.

They seem like nice kids.

I don't know, I don't spend

a lot of time with them.

I'm not really much

of a kid person.

Man, I'm on a treadmill, Dickie.

I look around,

I see everybody else

is having all the fun.

Just when I think

I can't take it anymore,

you fall into my lap.

You're my answer, Dickie.

You're the thing

that's gonna make me happy.

I'm not into dudes, if that's

what you're ramping up to.

Like, I don't.

I did. I don't anymore.

All I'm saying is,

you get what you want

out of my family...

let me get something out of you.

Star maps here.

Maps to the stars' homes.

God bless you, sir.

Thanks.

Hey, Rob Reiner's

not on this map.

God bless you, sir.

Ah...

Mm, hey.

Oh, what time is it?

3:
20. Oh, I gotta go

meet the kids.

Look at little Sammy,

the sissy.

Come on, you guys,

just leave him alone.

Ah!

His wittle sister

has to stand up for him.

What a little wussy Sam is.

Why can't you just

leave me alone?

What'd I ever do to you?

Sammy, the sissy,

acting all prissy.

Sammy the sissy, acting

all prissy.

Sammy the sissy,

acting all prissy.

Guys, he's minding

his own business.

Sammy, the...

- Why don't you?

- Sam, Sally, what's up?

Dickie, is that you?

Holy crap on toast!

Look at this freak!

Figures he'd be

with Sam Finney, huh, Sammy?

Let's get out of here.

Leave him alone, you creeps!

What did you call us,

you little b*tch?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you just

said the wrong thing

to the wrong little girl, Cap'n.

What does she weigh, 20?

What do you weigh, 2,000?

You want to pick on her?

Why not pick on me?

You bastards want to go

toe-to-toe with me?

I'll go Water Wiggle

on your ass.

Huh?

"Huh? Wha?

I don't understand words.

I'm a dumb-dumb."

Is that red hair, or did someone

light a fart off your mouth?

- Hey!

- Hey?

Don't you mean oink?

Little Piggy, shouldn't you

run off to the market?

Oink, oink.

That was crazy.

Now the crowd's

turning on you, and that sucks.

Tell you what.

Listen.

Red, tub o' goo,

freak of nature,

why don't you guys run home,

pee your pants,

cry your eyes out,

spank each other's

chubby, little butts,

get up, have an Eggo,

run back here, and

we'll do it all again?

'Cause I like working out

on you puke-stained,

little punching bags.

A-choo!

Now beat it.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Get out of my way!

- Sam Finney's

way cooler than any of you

will ever be.

What a joke.

Oh, yeah!

Mom, you should have seen

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