Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star Page #7

Dickie back there.

It was awesome!

He totally nailed these kids.

It was a verbal beating,

a carpet bombing.

Actually, Dickie,

I can't believe what

you did to your hair.

What? Oh...

No wonder

everyone was staring at me.

What a weirdo.

Dickie, it was great

how you tore into those guys.

I'm not impressed

that Dickie insulted

a bunch of your friends.

Well, they're

not really friends.

Yeah, you should have seen

these guys.

I mean, I hope

they never come back.

They're losers.

Just-just, Mom, relax.

Relax?

Wrong attitude with a mom,

buddy.

You got to keep it light,

- And, you know, deferential.

- Oh!

Look, you guys, before pizza,

I've got to swing by

this interview.

It'll just take a few minutes.

They just want to meet

the voice from the phone.

You got an interview?

For what?

An interior design job.

They looked at my drawings,

and they liked them.

Mom, that's great!

- Wow.

- Mm-hmm.

That is some cool shizzit.

What did you just say?

Shizzit.

It's a Dickie word.

Dickie, after my interview,

you and I are going to have

a serious talk.

Mom, I...

Dickie will be fine.

Yeah, he may have

a few rough edges,

but we'll file 'em down for him.

Ah, see, Mommy?

It's all gonna work out.

Oh, boy.

I don't know this

part of town at all.

My first interview,

and I'm going to blow it

because I can't find the house.

Turn it, turn it!

Oh, no, do you believe this?

God, I'm really

going to be late.

You know what?

Dickie to the rescue.

I've got an idea.

Let me see that address.

9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Oh, my God, there's a fire

at the McHenry house,

368 North Hobart Street!

Hurry!

Follow those fire trucks.

Come on, Mommy.

Unbelievable.

You think a false alarm

is funny?

You think it's okay

to phone in a fire?!

Well, it's called

being aggressive towards

your career, you know?

You want something,

you gotta work at it.

That's day-one stuff.

You know what, no matter

how much you want something,

you don't trample others

to get it,

and you certainly

don't break the law.

You've been nothing

but a disruptive influence,

ever since you got here.

Well, I'm learning,

and that's the point,

but don't kick me out.

I got nowhere else to go.

I got nowhere else to go!

Why does that sound familiar?

It's from An Officer

and a Gentleman.

That's what Richard Gere said.

See? I'm a good actor.

That's it! Out!

I want you out right now!

I don't care what arrangement

you have with my husband.

I won't tolerate

this anymore!

No, come on.

- Dickie, no...!

- Please!

- No! Oh!

- Listen...

Oh, no!

Dickie! Ah!

- Go! Go! Go, now! I mean it!

- Hey, ow!

You don't understand,

I know I'm screwed up.

I have no center.

I'm completely lost.

Look at me, I'm a massive

failure as a human being.

I wear gloves 24 hours a day.

Why? Because I'm afraid

to physically touch anything

or anyone.

I don't want people

to look in my eyes

'cause they'll realize

there's nothing there.

I'm a complete and total mess.

Grace, do you think

you could take

your little dysfunctional

family fight inside?

We don't need to see

your dirty laundry.

Mrs. Gertrude, please, okay?

Just blow it out your ass!

This is between me

and my family.

Well!

- Mom, that was awesome!

- Mom, that was awesome!

Wait a second.

Why did you say that?

Is that because I told you

to stand up for yourself?

It is.

See, Grace?

I-I'm not totally useless.

Dickie, this whole thing

is just crazy.

I mean, you can't just

observe a family

and learn how to be.

You know, it's not like

monkey-see, monkey-do.

It's more than that.

You don't understand.

I'm desperate.

If I become a star again,

everyone will come back.

My mom will come home,

just like before.

Dickie, it's not supposed

to work that way.

I know, but can I hope

for anything different?

Grace, please.

I need this part.

I need it so bad,

that I don't know

if I can go on without it.

Hey, Mom?

Maybe we could give Dickie

just one last chance?

Yeah, Mom.

He could do better.

I mean, if we help.

What's Popeye got in his mouth?

My gosh, it's a dead rabbit.

Oh, my God.

It's the Gertrudes' pet rabbit.

Popeye killed their pet rabbit.

Popeye bad dog!

What are we going to do?

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Popeye must have gotten

into the backyard cage

and killed him.

God, they're already

mad at us.

Now we're in all kinds

of trouble.

Wait a second.

We can fix this.

Rub-a-dub-dub,

bunny in the tub.

Do you think

we should shampoo it?

Do you have any "Gee, Your Dead

Rabbit Smells Terrific"?

Oh.

No, but I have V05.

We'll put in

some leave-in conditioner

and a protein pack.

This thing will look

good as new

except for the being dead part.

Stop it.

I think we better start

to blow-dry it soon.

Then I'm going

to go get a brush.

Hurry.

Okay, tell you what.

I'll put it back in the cage

all clean and when

the Gertrudes come home,

they open the cage

and they think it dies

of natural causes.

It's the perfect plan.

You guys, the Gertrudes...

I think they're coming home.

All right, let's go.

Okay, okay, dry it.

Here, here.

Here we go.

Dry it, dry it, dry it.

Okay, it's back in the cage.

We're totally off the hook.

Hey, what's in the cage?

It's Peter! Oh, no!

Devil rabbit.

Devil rabbit, devil rabbit!

Mr. And Mrs. Gertrude,

what's wrong?

Our pet bunny died two days ago.

We buried it over there.

And now he's back in the cage!

Oh, Satan taunts us!

Oh, devil rabbit!

That is a sign from hell!

It means move out of that house.

Move!

Spirits of rabbits.

Devil rabbit!

Devil rabbit!

Woo! Get out!

There they go.

They're moving out.

Devil rabbit!

Devil rabbit.

That was fun.

So, can I stay?

So those three bullies

don't bug you anymore?

I knew it, they're morons.

Hey, what do you call

this hairstyle again?

The Tiger-Do.

Looks cool, right, Sam?

Yeah, man.

Bitchin' cool style, man.

I love it.

What's this one,

the porcupine? Oh, oh.

So, what do you want

to do today, Dickie?

First up, teach me

how to ride a bike.

Yeah!

I'm pedaling.

I think I got it.

Let him go.

Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go for it!

I'm doing it.

Dickie, are you okay?

Ow!

Who put that truck there?

Are you all right?

Oh, wow.

Oh. I'm seeing birds and bells

and beautiful girls.

Sam, front and center

on the double.

We're just moving in

to this house.

Oh, well, we got a new neighbor.

What do you think of that, Sam?

Sam, you want to say hello

to the new neighbor?

Hello.

Hi.

He had you at hello, didn't he?

Listen, these guys

are teaching me

how to ride a bike.

You want to come with?

- Sure.

- All right, let's go.

Yeah!

Whoa!

Ow.

Oh-oh.

Whoa.

Did you ever have such a bad

wipe-out you don't even feel it?

That wasn't one of them.

Here you go, guys.

Thanks, Mrs. Finney.

Thanks a lot.

You okay?

I munched it out there.

You're all right.

So you're really

going to help me?

Yes, of course

I'm going to help you.

If someone doesn't step in soon,

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