Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star Page #8

you might kill yourself.

Look, Dickie, you've

been going about

this thing all wrong.

You know, there's no rhyme

or reason to your plan.

You're like a chicken running

around with its head cut off.

I am.

A chicken with his head chopped

off, that's a good analogy.

Stop it.

Okay,

but if you want my help,

you play by my rules

and my rules only.

Okay?

So first, the gloves.

Off they go.

Wait a minute.

Dickie, for this to work,

we've got to almost reboot you,

like a human computer.

Not the gloves,

anything but the gloves.

Okay, well.

Okay, okay.

But I just want you to know

that this is like me asking you

to take your top off.

Which is crazy, right?

Dickie.

Right.

Oh, air... Ow.

I don't like it.

Happy?

Yes. See?

Grace?

There are men in stilts

plastering in there.

Is this part

of your interior design thing?

No, George, it was damaged

from the water bed accident.

Dickie what the hell

did you do to your hair?

Oh. I dyed it.

It no come out so good.

Look, it was my idea, okay?

People were recognizing him

and he was being distracted

from his project.

He was going to do a commercial

for me, Grace.

George, he's already paying you

a lot of money

to be here,

isn't that enough?

I had a lot of plans for him.

He's a human being, okay?

He's not just some product

for you to use.

All right.

Wow, I feel like you have

completely undermined me here.

I'm going out.

Oh, boy.

What?

That was, like, the nicest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

What is?

That I'm not some product.

Wow.

Then, as Hallmark cards go,

you'd be easy to please.

Listen, I... I'm sorry

George is mad at you.

Is that because of me?

No, but that's good.

You're starting to think

like a real kid.

Kids always think it's their

fault when parents split up.

Is that what's going to

happen to you and George?

I don't know.

You know, I do

everything I can think of

to keep it together

for the kids.

I'm a mom first, but...

George makes me feel so guilty

for even wanting a career,

you know, like it makes me

less of a mom.

Well, I got news for you.

They don't even write TV

moms as good as you are.

Well now, we're even.

Because that's the nicest

compliment I've ever heard.

You know, we probably should

dye your hair back.

Yeah.

Well, since you're going

to be here a while,

I think I should read

this script.

See what it is

you want so badly.

Please do.

Maybe you can make

some sense of it.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't know what to do.

No gloves.

Don't need 'em.

Dickie, you promised

to help me

with my pep squad tryouts.

Oh, I will.

That pep squad spot's

got your name all over it.

Did I ever tell you I was a

backup dancer for Vanilla Ice?

No way.

Oh, yeah, I owe him a call.

Boom.

We're right on time.

- Are you sure?

- Yep, yep.

All right.

Here we go.

You got the words down?

I think so, yeah.

I think you do, too.

I drew this up last night.

These are your dance steps.

Okay, girls, come on, let's go.

It's time to start.

Our first contestant

is Heather Bolan.

Hey, Stallions,

I got a message for you.

And it goes like this.

Oh

I, I

I:

I wanna be bad with you, baby

I, I...

I, I

I wanna be bad with you, baby

Do you

Understand what I need from you?

Just let me be the girl

to show you, you

Everything that she can be

is everything that I can be

I wanna be

My turn

Let me let you know that I can

Promise that I won't do that

So, boy, I-I wanna be bad

You make bad feel so good

I'm losing all my cool

I'm about to break the rules

I, I wanna be bad.

Thank you.

Slut.

Our next contestant,

Sally Finney.

Have fun.

Just have fun, okay?

You're good.

You know it.

It is the night

My body's weak

I'm on the run

No time to sleep

I've got to ride

Ride like the wind

To be free again

And I've got

such a long way to go

Such a long way to go

To make it to the border

of Mexico

So I'll ride

Like the wind

Ride like the wind

Gonna ride like the wind.

Oh, that was great!

Yeah!

That was perfect.

Sally, I'm so proud of you.

Yippee!

Oh, good morning, everybody.

Ooh, I had a rough night.

First time I tried

sleeping without my gloves on

in ten years.

Insane in the membrane.

Hey, Dickie, okay.

I saw Barbie outside and

I started talking to her,

but I got all tongue-tied

and I wasn't making sense.

I know.

It sounded like you said,

"I love meat loaf."

Oh, so you could understand

that part.

All right, I think that's going

to need a little work, buddy.

Nothing against

meat loaf though.

All right, why don't you

tots run off to school?

I'm going to grab

a cup of java.

Bye, Dickie.

Bye, Dickie.

Bye.

Ooh, morning.

Morning.

Never needed this stuff more.

No. No coffee.

Kids don't drink coffee.

What? That's crazy.

Juice.

No, coffee in the morning.

Shh. Dickie, I got to talk

to you about this script.

I know why you want to do

this movie so much.

I read it last night.

It's wonderful.

Really?

Please, can you

explain it to me?

Okay, Mr. Blake

discovers that heaven

is in his own backyard.

Oh, wait.

That's... I didn't

get that part.

Like heaven, like real heaven?

Yes, he's this billionaire,

and he buys

this mysterious plot of land

and he wants to build

the biggest house

of all time on it.

To be admired

by the whole world.

Right on.

Well, that sounds like me.

They should just

give me that part.

Here's the problem.

The bigger he builds

this giant house,

the smaller heaven becomes

in his backyard.

Hmm.

But he still has

a big house, right?

Have you ever seen MTV Cribs?

Tommy Lee has a sex room.

And how come all the

rappers have a video

of Scarface going all the time?

Yeah, okay, meanwhile,

there's this woman, Esmerelda,

she's Mr. Blake's housekeeper,

and he falls madly

in love with her, right?

And then she dies.

Wait.

She die-dies?

I thought

this was a happy movie.

Oh, it is.

Esmerelda goes to heaven...

you see,

so by discovering true love,

Mr. Blake's able to see

the heaven in his own backyard...

the heaven that was

always there,

only he couldn't see it...

so he tears down

this enormous house,

and he lives in his own backyard

in a little shack...

and it's all

to be near Esmerelda.

Do you see, Dickie?

Do you see

what that story means?

I don't. No.

I don't understand any of it.

- Now, come on.

- No!

No coffee.

Here, have a nice bowl

of cereal instead.

Cereal?

I've been drinking coffee

since I was three.

I need a pick-me-up.

Too bad.

Fine, cereal it is.

Oh, my gosh,

there's a prize inside.

There's a prize...

Hey, you guys!

- Hey, Dickie.

- Hey, Dickie.

What do we have planned next?

Oh, your Mom's got a lot

of stuff planned.

- Yeah.

- Like what?

Like what?

You're crazy.

Whoa.

Hello, Dickie.

I've missed you.

So, this guy

totally kidnapped me

when I was hitchhiking

that day,

and he was totally weird

with, like, this great haircut,

so I was actually fooled

into thinking that he was okay,

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