Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star Page #9

you know?

So I finally escaped,

and I went back

to Dickie's apartment,

and Dickie was gone,

and I was, like,

"Well, I have got

to see my Dickie."

Um, right.

Uh, I...

I'm doing this thing here,

Cyndi, and...

I just don't know

if it's a great idea

if you're around,

only because I'm trying

to focus on the plan.

Um, I'm thinking if we, uh,

up your rent

a little bit, there's

really no reason why

Cyndi can't stay in the den.

What?

Oh, Dickie, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, baby.

Wha... George?

Baby, I have saved up

a sexual experience

of a lifetime for you,

but first, let's loosen things

up a bit,

light some candles,

drink some champagne.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Do it.

Oh, me, yeah.

Get out of here, gross dog.

- Hmm-mm-mm!

- Hmm-mm-mm!

Taittinger, the finest bubbly.

Do you like that painting?

Huh?

Ow!

Oh... whoo, got ya.

Got away from me.

Ooh, this baby is wound up.

Incoming!

Ow.

You're fine, you're fine.

No blood. Cheers.

- Nice.

- Yuck.

So... relax, let me tell you

about this family.

Oh... I'm having a good time.

They are great.

Well, George, he's the dad.

He's a little... off,

but Sam... he's a great kid.

He... he's funny.

He doesn't know

how great he is,

because he's always

getting bullied at school,

and it took away

all his confidence.

He has a crush

on this girl next door,

and I'm helping him

with that, but...

uh, you probably don't want

to hear all this.

Yeah. Maybe you're right.

And Sally is cute,

and smart, and funny,

and just the other day

I was telling her...

Yeah? Wow, that's

really interesting,

um, but that Grace...

she's a real looker...

in her own way... I guess.

Grace... Wow, I...

Mom? I never thought

of her like that.

That's funny.

Yeah, right, like

you hadn't noticed?

Come on, and you

think I didn't notice

that George is hot?

You haven't changed, Dickie.

You just think you have.

So, are we going to do

this sex or not,

because I kind of want

to get it over with.

Maybe we shouldn't, you know?

Maybe-maybe it's not

a good idea tonight.

Wait, y-you're turning me down?

Unbelievable.

These yokels

are really getting to you.

Okay, well,

if we're not doing it,

will you at least

put out the damn candles?

Oh, not this one.

It smells great.

This is sandalwood vanilla.

You'd love that.

Ooh!

Oh! Oh!

- Oh, oh!

- Oh, my God.

I'm on fire, you idiot!

I'm sorry.

Hey, pal.

Up-bu-bu-bup, excuse me.

I thought I told you

not to bother our customers.

Hey, pal, I'm harmless.

I just want to talk to Robbie

for, like, ten seconds.

Jerry, Asto,

get rid of this guy.

Beat it, pal.

Let's go.

Oh, it's him!

It's Rob!

Hey, how you doing?

Nice to see you.

Always a pleasure.

Love your car.

Oh, yeah, we have,

uh, global warming...

I understand.

Hey, Rob, it's me,

Sidney Wernick.

Rob?

Oh, he's getting away.

Robbie! Rob!

It's me, Sidney Wernick.

I'm Dickie Roberts' agent.

Give me five seconds.

Yep, she's a cutie.

I'll give you that.

A girl that pretty

is never going to like me.

Come on, have you seen

Ric Ocasek from The Cars?

That guy's rough.

You're way ahead of him.

Listen, all you got to do

is show her

what a cool,

funny dude you are.

But... I'm not good at talking

like you are.

Well, that's debatable.

Let's talk to your mom about it.

Maybe she has some ideas.

No, no. We can't talk

to a mom about this.

This is stuff

a dad has to help me with,

you know, man to man.

I got an idea.

Come here.

Ooh...

Each day through my window,

I watch her as she passes by

To have a girl like her

Is truly a dream come true

Out of all the fellas

in the world

She belongs to me

But it was

just my imagination

Running away with me

It was just my imagination

Running away with me...

Ho-ho, whoa, Sam!

Whoa-whoa!

Ow.

Uh, Barbie...

Uh, Barbie, I was...

I was hoping

you'd like to go

to a movie with me.

Yes, Sam, I'll go to a movie

with you.

Ooh...

Idiot!

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, hey, wait,

hold on, here he is.

Dickie, it's Sidney... it sounds

like something's wrong.

What?

Hey, Sidney, what's up?

Dickie, turn on the news.

Famous director Rob Reiner

was the victim

of a road rage incident today

in Hollywood.

Witnesses say that Mr. Reiner

was stopped at a red light

when a large angry man

pulled Mr. Reiner

out of his Honda Insight

and began beating him

for well over a minute.

Mr. Reiner was rushed

to a nearby hospital,

his only dazed words being,

"I have no idea what I did

to make that man so angry."

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Dickie, I got you an audition.

You got me that audition?

How?

Well, it's a long story,

but it's tomorrow at 3:00.

Tomorrow at 3:
00?

I-I-I'm... I'll never be ready.

Well, you got to be ready,

because the audition's

at the hospital,

and then Rob's going under

for an operation.

What, an operation?

Well, anyway, long story short,

Rob needs a kidney,

and I'm giving him one of mine.

We swapped...

a kidney for an audition.

You'd better get that job!

Holy crap.

It's tomorrow.

I'm not ready.

Wait.

I've got an idea.

Okay, here we go.

You're going to be ready,

Dickie.

This is the big one.

It's Christmas morning.

You're waking up excited.

You think you heard reindeer

on the roof, okay?

All right, I'll be

down in a second.

Mom, this was such a good idea

to help Dickie.

Do you think he could pretend

it's Christmas even though

- It's not for a while?

- Sure, he can,

and if coming down the stairs

and seeing his first red bicycle

helps him with his acting

somehow, then...

huh?

He really is special, isn't he?

Who would've thought?

Yeah, I mean how is it possible

that Stranger Danger

turned out to be so cool?

Hey, where's Cyndi?

I thought she would've

helped him with this.

Slut.

Here I come.

Wow, a bicycle.

You guys...

that was... that was great

of you to do this for me.

Thanks for being so cool

to put this together, but...

But what?

but... I guess it's true

you can never go home again.

I mean, I missed out

on the real thing,

and I don't... I don't think

I'll ever get it back.

Well, maybe you didn't get

something back.

Maybe you got something

you never had.

Dickie...

...you've been so good

with my family.

You've been so good to me.

You're so different

than the angry, weird guy

who landed on our doorstep

a month ago.

You're a joy to have around...

so... as a present

for all that you've

done to help us.

This isn't part

of your experiment.

I got this gift for you.

Candy Land.

You remembered?

That's what moms do.

You grew up, Dickie Roberts.

That's so unfair!

I'm really sorry that

you're here, Mr. Reiner.

Thanks, but why are you sorry?

It's not like you had anything

to do with that guy going nuts.

All right.

Okay.

You ready to read?

We-we don't have much time here.

I think I'm ready.

Woo! I got the part!

Yeah. Woo.

I got it, baby!

Come here, doggy.

I got...

Congratulations.

Is it hot out here?

- Oh.

- Oh.

I got it.

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