Diner Page #9

I'll pay for it. No problem.

My buddy!

That's better.

Come on, honey. You can shake it.

Billy, you've got magic fingers.

A regular Fats Domino.

Hold on a second.

Come on. Firstjoke you remember.

Fifth grade, Junior Scholastic Magazine.

Okay. "Hickory dickory doc.

The mouse ran up the clock.

"The clock struck one, and the other two

escaped with minor injuries."

- That's terrible.

- Fifth-grade humor.

Since then, it's moved up

to the sixth grade. Is that it?

- You're all right.

- You guys have really made my night.

You should come down

and hang out more often.

I can't. I'm gettin' married.

She would have gotten the Alan Ameche

question that Shrev screwed up.

- Benefit of the doubt.

- Exactly.

I love weddings.

I just never found the time to settle,

or even wanted to.

And you?

No marriage.

Got a girl?

Not really. Just in love.

- Does the girl know?

- Yeah, I told her about it.

Told her.

Didn't you show her?

Nice morning.

Yes, it is.

Mornings, I've often felt,

are a nice time to ride.

- Do you live around here?

- Not around here. Here.

Which means, you're trespassing.

- I'm just waiting for an invite.

- So, let's ride.

What's your name?

Boogie.

- Boogie?

- Bobby Sheftell.

Isn't she beautiful?

- What is that music?

- It's the Colt's marching song.

It's very tasteful. Very tasteful.

In the presence of this company

as witness, you have spoken the words...

...and performed the rites

which unite your lives.

I therefore declare, you Edward,

and you Elyse...

...husband and wife.

And now I ask you,

and all your dear ones here...

...to bow your heads in reverence.

Silently, let us pray,

that God will bless your home...

...and help you to achieve

your highest hopes.

Amen.

- You look very pretty.

- Thank you.

Blue becomes you.

I made us some reservations...

...for the summer in the Poconos.

For how long?

I think we might go for 10 days.

Ten days is good, yeah.

I'm thinking of going to Europe.

Why don't you stay in the United States

and just travel around?

I don't know. It's been done. Europe.

Europe looks like a smile.

Yes, I'll have my master's in business.

And then, I guess I'll come back.

"Blue moon

"You saw me standing alone"

Every time we go to a wedding,

we have to listen to this guy.

"Without a dream in my heart..."

I'll visit you, of course.

I'm not moving to another country.

Please come back soon.

I'll make you sandwiches. All right?

"Blue moon

"You knewjust what I was there for

"You heard me say a prayer for..."

I'm getting some hors d'oeuvres.

Would you like any?

Yeah, Bobby. Can I have a few more

of whatever these are?

They're good. Thank you.

Hi, boys.

Hello, test.

I don't want to bother you.

Ljust wanted to say a few words.

I didn't prepare anything or anything.

The guys told me to come up

and say a few words.

I was thinking that now

that Eddie's getting married, and...

...he won't really be hanging out

with the guys anymore...

...ljust wanted to say that we were

never really that crazy about you.

I'll be quite honest.

I didn't want to tell you sooner

because you're a sensitive person.

Ljust want to thank everybody

who's responsible for your being here.

I don't know if everybody knows what

Elyse had to go through to get married.

She was two points away from spending

the rest of her life by herself.

It was very... It was a sad thing.

And now she knows more about football

than most girls in America.

It's important, it really is.

We all know most marriages depend

on a firm grasp of football trivia.

Eddie gets crazy sometimes with sports.

I don't know if you know him, but...

...it's one thing to dress the room

in blue and white, with banners...

...and the cake in the shape of a football.

It was a little too much.

I thought it was out of line

when Eddie asked the Rabbi...

...to wear black and white stripes

and a whistle. That was wrong.

Would you look at this?

Another article talking

about this theory of evolution.

Can I have the sport's page?

Do you believe this?

I don't buy the whole thing.

They're saying that millions of years ago

there was a swamp.

I don't want to hear it.

In the middle of this murky, disgusting,

boggy water swamp, there's an amoeba.

This amoeba meets another amoeba...

...and they have a kid who's a fish

who crawls onto land.

And from one lousy amoeba

millions of years ago...

...that today there's some guy with

a winter coat on a corner yelling "Taxi!"

Where's that connection?

How can that possibly be?

- An amoeba has no legs.

- Why do you care how we evolved?

They can float.

- We're all animals.

- You're going to argue this with him?

It's notjust people.

It's not even animals, chickens, come on.

- How could chickens live in a swamp?

- That's ridiculous.

They can't even make it

out of a pot of frying oil.

Think of chickens, dogs, birds, cows,

little Cocker Spaniel puppies...

...living in a muddy swamp.

It's enough to make you sick.

Girls don't come from the same swamp,

that's for sure.

I don't know who makes up this stuff.

It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

People do not come from swamps.

They come from Europe.

- Where do people in Europe come from?

- What am I? Rand-McNally? It's...

Let me ask you something personal.

Sure.

Is it true that you took out Arlene Stanton?

- You heard that?

- Yeah.

Get out of here. Of course not.

Come on, it was Arlene.

Would you look at her?

- Would you touch...

- Would you?

- You're embarrassed, don't want to say.

- Get out of here.

- Once. I took her once.

- Did you spend money on her?

I'm not marrying her.

I went out for a drive.

- Why did you deny it when I asked you?

- I didn't deny that.

Wouldn't you deny it?

Ljust want to ask you a question.

Did you touch her, at all?

Of course not.

- Did you touch anything she touched?

- Did she touch you?

You guys are sick, you know that.

I heard you kissed her goodnight.

I'm dropping her off. You got to be polite.

Remind me never to kiss you.

- I'll make a note about that one, Shrev.

- Disgusting, Shrevie.

- You want to hear one?

- Yeah, go.

This guy's going home from work.

He has a brand new car.

- What kind of car?

- Doesn't matter.

- Brand new car, it doesn't matter.

- Let's hear it.

So, he pulls into this bar.

He says "Give me,

give me a scotch and soda."

He's drunk, right.

Would you let me tell thejoke?

So, he says:

"Yeah, give me a scotch and soda."

And so the bartender says:

"Do you really think

you should be having one?"

Why?

- Why what?

- Why should he not be having one?

I'mjust telling you thejoke.

I don't know why he asks him.

So he looks at the guy and says:

"Sir, maybe it's none

of my business, but..."

- Oh, what?

- He forgot something.

This guy has no arms and no legs.

- How could he drive the car?

- It's a funnyjoke, but it doesn't work now.

Finish it.

No, I'm starting ajoke.

I spend 10 minutes building ajoke up.

- Let him finish.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes