Dirty Girl Page #2

my dad would kick the sh*t out of me.

I don't have a dad.

- So I do what I want.

- [Slow-tempo song plays]

[Danielle] Boy or girl?

I think I'd ruin a boy.

Girl. Name?

Uh... I don't know.

How about Joan? Like Joan Jett.

Or Crawford. That's nice.

Is there some sort of special gene

that makes you say "Crawford"

when I say "Joan"?

Huh?

It just seems the more times

a person gets poked in the butt,

the more likely they

are to say stupid faggy sh*t.

I'm a virgin.

It's not a big deal.

Tell it to my dad.

He'd be happier if I didn't exist.

That's not true.

I'm sure my dad loves me,

and I don't even know him.

That don't make no sense.

You know, if you're not careful,

you're gonna end up one of them

overweight homos with nobody

to love you but a gerbil named Bruce.

- You ready for me, baby?

- [Up-tempo song plays]

Here I come.

Daddy's cleaning you all up.

Yes!

- [Danielle] Is that your dad?

- [Clarke] Unfortunately.

- Where the hell have you been?

- I had homework.

[Danielle] Hey!

You forgot this.

You ruin me for anybody else.

Hey.

Hey.

Sh*t.

[Up-tempo song plays]

[Man] Peggy, what are you doing?

[Laughter]

Are you crazy? That dog would kill you.

[All chuckling]

- Oh, hi!

- There she is!

We saved you some. It's on the stove.

Your mother and I would like

to speak with you about something.

Where's Mindy?

Get out of my room!

- You can be Heather.

- [Danielle] This is bullshit.

I mean, you can marry

this Mormon loser if you like,

but there is no way I'm sharing

my room with this little twat!

All right now, that's

going to be rule number one.

Anyone caught swearing

under this roof

is going to get their

mouth washed out with soap.

- F*** you!

- Danielle.

- Don't test me.

- What's a twat?

You see? Now that's

what I'm talking about.

Evil has a unique way of spiraling.

A twat is an ugly,

flatulent, hairless vagina!

- I'm not going to warn you again.

- OK now, Ray, Danielle.

Have you ever heard of

the celestial kingdom, Danielle?

That's a magical place in the sky

where we'll live for all eternity.

- That's very good, honey.

- So?

Well, we want you

there with us, Danielle.

What are you talking about?

After your mother and I are

married, I'm going to adopt you.

- The hell you are!

- The hell I'm not.

It's the only way for you to get in.

We don't want you cast into...

...the outer darkness.

How's that different from any other day?

Think about it, Danielle.

You've always wanted a daddy.

- I have a daddy.

- A real daddy.

You know what? I'm going to take

this family on a retreat this weekend.

- [Sue-Ann] Oh, wow! That's great!

- A little fishing, a little hot cocoa.

- Help you get used to the idea.

- You love cocoa.

I'm not going anywhere. Me and Clarke

are going to work on our project.

Well, family first.

Tough love time, Danielle.

You don't want us,

- we don't want you either.

- Ray!

- You can stay.

- Thank you.

But we're taking all

the food out of the kitchen.

- All the money out of your pockets.

- Fine.

- And the keys to your car.

- What?

- No! No!

- Then you will know

what it means to be alone

and stranded for all eternity!

- Ray, not a good idea.

- Well now, dadgum it, Sue-Ann.

You want me to be

the man of the house,

you gotta let me

make the tough decisions.

I believe, after this weekend,

Danielle will see the wisdom

and let me be her daddy.

Yeah? Does that mean

this guy will be my brother?

Well, is that a problem?

Yeah, considering I f***ed him.

[Up-tempo song plays]

- Mindy, go to your room.

- Don't you...!

- Hey, you f***ing cow!

- Girl fight!

- [Indistinct yelling]

- I hate you!

- No!

- [Groaning]

Calm down!

I am bigger, and I will win.

- Let go of me!

- [Groaning]

You are not my dad!

Could you leave me alone? Please?

Ray's a good man.

He could be a good father.

You can try to make me a Mormon,

but you're still a shitty mother.

[Whispers] Good guys don't come

around that often, Danielle.

I'd like to keep this one.

He's not even cute.

[Sniffling]

We could have

a good family going here.

I don't want your stupid fake family.

OK.

We'll see how you do on your own.

[Door closes]

Meet Joan.

So named for the irrepressible

lead singer of the Blackhearts.

And the alcoholic,

child-abusing movie star.

[Bell ringing]

Hey, wait up.

Don't f*** with me. I haven't

eaten in, like, 13 hours.

Why not?

Sue-Ann thinks she can

starve me into being a Mormon.

- That sucks.

- I'm having a really shitty day.

If you don't mind,

I'd just like to be left alone.

My dad said that I can

take you out tonight, his treat.

I have discriminated,

and designated. And I designate you.

Just... Please, just go away.

He gave me his credit card

if you want to go eat, or something.

Screw this.

I need a fork, you want one?

Chinese men must be good

with their fingers, I swear.

I hear they have straight pubic hair.

I tired to get a look at Shani Suzuki's

once in the locker room.

She's real careful with

her towel, so I never saw sh*t.

[Slow-tempo song plays]

- Why are the lights off?

- Uh, fluorescent bulbs hurt my eyes.

Sue-Ann's so cheap.

You'd think at her age

she'd want to give her face

the benefit of the doubt.

But it saves money, so I guess

she doesn't mind being green.

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

You're hitting on me,

and I do not appreciate it.

I have discriminated,

and I have designated.

Ahh!

- [Grunts]

- [Music halts]

What the f***?

I thought you were a f*ggot.

- Only 65 percent.

- Huh?

My therapist showed me this chart.

It says that I'm 35 percent hetero.

And if I can get that up to 60 percent,

my parents won't

send me to military school.

You're bleeding.

I'm gonna get you a Kleenex.

Thanks.

Soon as it stops bleeding,

you'd best go.

You send me back now and

they're going to know we didn't do it.

Contrary to popular belief,

I'm not the world's personal whore bag.

I just figured, after yesterday,

you wouldn't mind.

You'd best go now.

Joan's family tree's due tomorrow.

Shouldn't we work on it?

Hm?

Sometimes...

...he hurts me.

[Sniffling]

Well...

...he already thought we were doing it.

What, am I going to save

my reputation now?

- You owe me one.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Ah, ah! Mm-mm.

[Paper crinkling]

Oh, sh*t.

It's lopsided.

Looks like we're gonna be spending

holidays with your side of the family.

We should put some on your side

just to balance it.

Maybe draw some birds

or something in the branches.

It just doesn't look very good.

I'm gonna show you something.

When I do, you can't say

it's stupid or nothing.

OK.

- What did you do to your hair?

- It's Sue-Ann, you idiot.

Oh.

That your dad?

I found it in Sue-Ann's jewelry box

when I was little, and I swiped it.

- He's cute.

- Thanks.

- Let's put him in.

- I don't know his name.

I'm a real good drawer.

I could draw him in.

No, just do birds or something.

Poor Joan.

She only has one grandpa,

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