Dirty Grandpa Page #4

all the way home, handsome?

I'm also giving you

zero stars on Yelp.

What a dick.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Hi, Professor.

Well, there's the prettiest

little girl on the beach.

Thank you.

I was actually

talking to him.

Yup! Immediately offensive.

I'm going back to the hotel.

Just try not to join the cast

of Rent on the way back!

So we got the Professor,

you got the millionaire.

How's the rest

of the Gilligan's Island cast?

We're good.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, everyone's good.

Well, that's good.

Copacetic on the island.

How are those washed-out

pictures you're taking

because you still have

the lighting optimizer on?

They're not...

Where is that?

Actually, it's really

hypersensitive

on the new 60D model.

So you have to...

- Wait. What is that?

- Okay, nope.

- What are you doing?

- Give it back, Malibu Ken.

- No...

- What?

You did it. You turned

into one of those people.

I turned into

one of those people

that gives a sh*t

about something?

Are you gonna chain

yourself to a polar bear?

Only if you

let me borrow...

What is this,

a beach sweater?

Yeah.

What, did you just

come from skiing?

Yeah, I skied in,

just to see you

save the world.

One Jell-O shot at a time.

High-five!

You want me

to do your back?

Only if you promise

to do my front first.

Gladly.

Whoops!

That never

usually happens.

Really? It happens to me

all the time.

Well, guess who just took

a sh*t in the water?

We've been looking

for you b*tches all day.

Where the f***

have you been?

Our car

broke down in Orlando.

Do you ever

look at your cell phone?

Awesome.

Who are these c*nt punches?

These are our friends that

we met on the way down.

Yeah.

That's Cody and Brah.

They're on the

lacrosse team at Florida.

This guy

plays lacrosse?

All-conference, brah!

Yeah? Which one, the f***ing

Diabetes Conference?

All right, we're about to boat

race a bunch of those fucks

from the University of Georgia

up in the room. So...

My God!

University of Georgia!

No way! You're a Hornet?

Afraid so.

Well, you guys

should get in there then,

Edward Jizzumhands.

Well, thank you. We will.

Good, that's great.

I'll see you up there.

Good. Well,

you say we'll be there

and on time.

- Sweet. I will.

- Yeah.

Yeah, let's do that.

- No, we should.

- Let's do it now.

- Yeah, I'll see you up there.

- What...

Come to the hotel.

By the pool.

Georgia sucks!

Can we please just go?

They've got boyfriends.

Those meatdick fucks? They're

not their boyfriends.

They're just seniors,

and they're all just terrified

and speed-f***ing each other

before the ship goes down.

Didn't you ever

go on Spring Break?

No, I didn't go

to Spring Break,

'cause I was studying

for law school.

Besides, I can't

chug alcohol anymore

like I used to, Grandpa.

I've developed,

like, a gag reflex.

- A gag reflex?

- Yeah.

You're chugging a beer,

not taking down

a horse cock, Jason.

Come on.

Go Hornets!

Go Hornets, yeah...

Hey, you know, one in three

of these girls has herpes.

Even if you can't see it.

Jesus.

Nut the f*** up.

It's just a college party,

you nance. Chill!

Hey, here they are.

I'm gonna get some beers.

What about you, twinkle toes?

You want some of dat drank?

Some of dat purple drank?

Some of dat

purple-ass muthafuckin'

pimp-dick drank?

Who the f*** are you?

It's a pretty rockin' party.

Whoo.

Who let the dogs out?

Am I right?

Sir, before we start,

would you prefer

if we gave you

a spritzer to chug?

Maybe a Pinot Noir?

You're going

down, old man.

Nobody chugs like me.

I bet. You've been chugging

Brah's cum for years.

Let's go.

Chug!

Chug!

Chug!

Chug!

Go! Go! Chug!

It's actually

kind of fun.

Yeah, I'm not really,

you know, for sure,

per say...

...what we're doing

after graduation.

I mean,

- we have offers to play...

- Blah, blah, blah...

...professional

lacrosse in Europe,

but a bunch of agents

Words, words, words...

also want us to start

modeling, so...

And again, we're talking about

this fat f*** right here?

You guys... You have

to come see this right now.

All right, our team won!

Let's celebrate

by buying local drugs

from a reputable,

local drug dealer.

Hey, what are

you doing here?

I'm selling drugs, man.

I'm trying to put my kid

through preschool.

How honest is that!

Touching my face

a lot, bro.

Touching my face

a whole lot, man.

Why don't you take

some of this.

This'll mellow you out.

- What is it?

- E-cig, bro.

"E" is for "Weed"!

Sure, why not?

Yeah, that's a big...

That's a big one.

Whoo!

Just be glad you didn't smoke this, man.

This is crack!

- What?

- Yeah!

This one...

Wait a minute...

Maybe that one's crack

and this one's weed.

Hang on.

What'd you do now, Pam?

F***. Hold on.

Which one's crack?

Okay. I got this.

Don't freak out.

Sorry to worry you, man.

You're not gonna believe this.

They're both crack.

What?

And you have taken an amount

that will probably kill you

in about 30 minutes.

- I just smoked crack?

- Yeah.

But just, like, a lot.

I just smoked crack.

I just smoked crack!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

Told you.

He's fine.

He's just a little drunk.

Whoo!

Everybody loves crack!

Bee loves crack.

Bee loves some crack.

We should probably

go help him.

Sting? You're stung!

Sh*t,

I just found my queen.

All right.

Okay, let's help him.

Excuse me. Jason!

- Hey, Jason.

- Jason.

- Jason.

- Jason.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

I'm gonna live forever!

Party on!

Sh*t!

One, two, three...

- Hello?

- Where the f*** have you been?

We got to Grandpa's

a little bit later

than we thought last night,

and my phone charger

wasn't working.

Well, you know

we missed the deadline

for our wedding announcement

to be in the Times.

Where are you?

Are you close?

Listen, Grandpa got

really upset last night.

So I'm just getting

a little bit of

a late jump here.

I want to show you the

bouquets for the bridesmaids.

So switch to

FaceTime, okay?

Sh*t! Baby, the reception at

Grandpa's isn't very good...

Jason, just

f***ing do it!

Okay, one second.

Switching over.

F***! F***! F***!

Is that sand

on your face?

It's just sawdust

because I was helping

Grandpa in the garage, so...

I naturally got the dust

of the saw on the face.

- Hi, honey.

- Jason.

Mom? Dad?

Is that writing

on your face?

I was working on my vows

late last night and...

And I fell asleep and I got

some pen on my face, so...

Yeah, that must be

the exact thing that happened.

Yeah, Meredith

called us because

she hadn't

heard from you all night.

We got the rabbi here

to work on the vows.

Boker tov, Jason.

Hey. Shalom.

No, Jason, really...

What is on your forehead?

It's a swastika

of penises.

No, that's not what it is.

Acting as a pinwheel

of ejaculate...

No, no, no,

it's a FaceTime effect.

All the kids are using

them these days.

There's a Hanukkah one. See?

I don't like that one as much

as the swastika full of d*cks.

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