Dirty Grandpa Page #5

Okay, let's discuss

the wedding vows.

Jason, why don't you

begin by telling us all

what it is you like

about Meredith.

Yeah, where do I start?

She's...

Hello.

Hello, buzzy bee.

What?

If you can't

think of anything,

lean into them looks, dawg.

Can I touch buzzy bee?

I've loved her for... No,

you can't touch buzzy bee!

I love the way that she...

What are you doing?

Stop it!

Go away!

You're getting me in...

F***, go away!

Your buzzy bee

looks so fluffy!

What did he say?

I just don't know

where to start.

Let me touch buzzy bee!

- You can't have the bee!

- What?

I want to stroke the bee!

You can't

stroke the bee! Okay?

I want to kiss buzzy bee!

You can't kiss the bee!

I love the way

that she kisses.

- Kid!

- Hey!

- My God...

- Hey!

- F***ing pervert!

- No.

I got to go right now.

I'm sorry.

I love you. Bye!

No, no, no! Jason! Jason!

Come on. I told you

to stay with us.

He let me stroke it.

Hold on! He's talking

about a pee... A bee.

A little stuffed bee.

What bee?

There was

a bee here, man!

It was so soft.

He let me kiss it.

No, I did not

let you kiss it!

What are you

talking about?

- He did not even...

- You're f***ing dead!

Dad, that was cool!

Sh*t!

Please, for the love of God,

may I have some pants?

Please...

Jesus, I'm so sorry. Of course.

Yeah, definitely. Let

me hurry on over there.

You like khakis

or sweatpants?

I mean, anything's fine.

You know what? Khakis.

- Khakis? All right.

- Yes, please. Thank you.

Also, I'm going to step

out and get some lunch.

Do you want a sandwich?

Yeah, sure.

That'd be awesome.

Yeah. Ham? Turkey?

I would love turkey.

That's so funny, because

I'm a turkey man myself.

Thank you so much.

Turkey... Okay...

All right...

Also, finally,

do you want to be ass raped

by the man with the

mental age of seven

or do you want to be

stripped naked

and used as a human diaper

by the, same man?

Let me know

what time works for you,

'cause you're

in f***ing jail.

Sit down.

All right. Gary, I'm all done.

It's late.

I gotta go open

the store, buddy.

I don't know, man.

You tried to sell peyote

to middle schoolers.

Well, I don't know if I'm

going to be able to get you

that human growth hormone

you asked me about.

So that you can get

"jacked," you said?

Remember?

You're already looking good.

All right,

let's get you out of there.

- Why are you letting him out?

- Gary! Gary! Gary!

He's the one

that sold me crack!

Hey, man!

That's how you're gonna

do me right now?

- Snitches get stitches!

- Yeah!

Zip it!

Yeah. Snitches

do get stitches!

I thought we were friends...

Don't mess with

my best friend, Pam.

Yeah!

I'll see you later, Gary.

See you, buddy. If you can get

me that money you owe me too,

- that'd be great.

- Finchy.

Hey, Officer Finch.

What's up?

- Here's the deal.

- Yeah.

- I'm about to skedaddle...

- Yeah, you are.

I came in here with

some drugs in a bag.

It would be great

if I could leave

with those drugs

in the bag.

You know what?

I want what's great for you.

Thank you.

There they are.

- There you go!

- Look at the arm on that guy.

I know.

He's really

getting big!

- He's working on it.

- I really need that HGH.

He's working on it.

- All right, I'll talk to you guys later. Bye.

- Yeah.

Bam! One of the

good ones. Right?

Okay, listen.

Guys, I'm incredibly sorry

for all this confusion,

but listen to me, please,

I have to let you know

I'm a lawyer.

All right? I know

my rights and I know

that I should have

a phone call.

Well, is this

your phone right here?

Yeah, that's my phone.

That's your phone right there.

Just gonna take

a little picture.

Snatch-chat.

Please don't do that

with my phone.

Hope you got

a wide angle lens on that.

Kidding.

Somebody just posted his bail.

Get that pervert some pants.

All right.

These were

a couple pair of pants

from murder victims

from a 1990s orgy gone bad.

We got semen-stained

or blood-stained.

Take your pick.

What's it gonna be?

- Blood.

- Semen it is.

- Hey, there he is.

- No.

Don't even

f***ing talk to me.

I know things

got a little chaotic,

but I'm so close

with Lenore...

What the f***

is wrong with you?

I'm about to get f***ing

married, Grandpa!

In one week!

To a Jewish girl!

And I just woke up

in f***ing jail

with a bunch of penises

on my forehead

in the shape

of a swastika!

Could call it

a swasticock.

- What?

- It's a play on words.

It's a play on words.

A play on words.

Play on these words.

I'm dropping you off

at your old army vet

buddy's house,

he's gonna drive you

to f***ing Boca.

Because I'm f***ing

done with you.

What the f***

are you looking at?

I can't help

staring at your tits.

Pow!

What the f***

is wrong with you?

You know, Stinky

had more confirmed kills

than anyone in our platoon

back in 'Nam? 118.

Shut the f*** up.

What is this place?

I don't know.

Or care.

At least just

come in with me.

Let's make sure

it's the right house.

After you.

Grandson of the year.

Your grandmother's

ashes are in there.

She's in a coffin.

F*** you!

Well,

better late than never.

Yeah! F*** them up, ALF!

Motherf***er!

Stinky?

What the f*** are you

doing here, Dick?

This?

This is liver failure.

Who's the lesbian?

That's my grandson,

Jason.

Yeah?

Is he here to

scissor with me?

Okay, that's just

offensive to lesbians.

I am very sorry,

k.d. Lang.

Time for Bingo!

Come on. Stinky, we got to get

you the f*** out of here.

Come on, let's go.

I have one

f***ing month left, Dick!

I don't want you to

remember me like this, man.

I want you to remember

me as a warrior.

Please. Leave me be.

But, Stinky...

No, no, no...

Just let me finish, Dick.

Leave me your

beautiful lesbian grandson

so he can

blowj*b me to death.

It's all over

for me, Dick.

You know, all I wanna

do is play Bingo.

Go.

All ready?

Bingo!

I'm sorry about

your friend, Grandpa.

So it comes

to this.

Even before you die,

you just stop living,

and it's all one f***ed-up

facsimile of the real thing.

We have to go back.

Yeah. I know.

I'll drive us home.

Not Atlanta.

Daytona.

What?

I have to f***

that girl, Jason.

Jesus, Grandpa!

I do. I have

to f*** her!

Grandpa, you're

just depressed.

You're confused right now

because of Grandma.

Grandma wanted me

to do this.

- What?

- Yeah. She said when she died,

She wanted me

to move on

and live my life

the way I wanted to,

and right now, you know

what I want to do?

I want to get my dick sucked

by that f***ing college girl!

What is that

going to do for you?

Is that going to make

you feel young again?

Yeah! Yeah,

what's wrong with that?

Yeah?

Feeling young again?

What do I have?

A dead wife,

dying friends.

A few f***ing good

years left if I'm lucky.

And you know what?

It f***ing freaks me out!

Yeah.

Look, I don't expect

you to understand.

You're young.

You have a long,

long time

before you have to

look into that abyss.

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