Dirty Grandpa Page #6

But the way I see it,

having sex with that girl

is my last stand.

And I can't do it

without you.

So I'm asking you.

Please, Jason,

just stay one more day

so I can do this.

Please.

Okay, Daytona Beach!

Who's ready for a Flex Off!

I'm talking about dudes

getting on stage,

getting ripped!

Yeah!

Yes, I'll be home tomorrow.

I promise.

And I know... Yes,

I know the dinner

is important to the firm...

Hold on,

I'm getting another call.

It might be Meredith.

Okay? Bye.

- Hello?

- Hey, it's me.

Someone just stuck

their thumb up my ass.

What?

Yeah, I was just

standing right there,

talking on the phone,

and someone came

right up behind me

and stuck their thumb

up my ass.

- Did you see who it was...

- Jamba!

F***!

Stop doing that!

How'd it go on

the home front?

How do you think?

Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

Top Gun in the house!

We got Maverick!

We got Fat Goose!

Do we have a challenger?

Right here!

Right here!

These two!

She wants to!

These two.

Pick her!

Who will

accept this challenge?

You go up there,

I'll let you do

whatever you want

to me tonight.

- All right, I'm doing it.

- All right!

- What?

- Whoo!

- No, no, no!

- Are you kidding me?

I saw your body last night,

it's a lot better than Cody's.

And my body

sure as sh*t looks better

than that f***ing

Shamu's up there.

There's 1,000

people out here!

A lost old man

has wandered on stage.

Are you his nurse?

No. F*** no.

Get on stage! Get on stage!

Get on stage! Get on stage!

Get on stage! Get on stage!

Do it for me!

Get on stage! Get on stage!

So we have team Top Gun

versus creepy old guy

and his lesbian daughter.

Okay, Daytona Beach,

are you ready to Flex Off?

Three! Two! One!

Flex!

Having trouble getting that

coat off, Fat Goose?

Look at this guy!

He's like

Mother Teresa's vagina!

Old and tight!

Hey, look,

it's Cirque du So Gay!

What now?

Has the old man fallen?

Or is it...

One-armed

motherfucking push-ups!

Holy sh*t!

Lesbian daughter's

getting in on the action!

I happen to know

he smoked crack last night!

These push-ups are fuelled

by the devil's candy!

Unbelievable!

Your move,

Dolly Parton.

What are you gonna

do now, team Top Gun?

And, hey, everybody,

don't forget to stop

by Tam Pam Surf Slam in town

where I'm selling

"beach towels"

for 50 bucks an ounce.

"Sun screen"

for 10 bucks a dime bag.

And I'm also selling meth!

Just got married!

Your move,

Viagra Falls.

Crowd going wild

for team Top Gun!

Grandpa, I got this.

Watch!

Most muscular, on three.

One, two, three.

I think this guy

just sharted!

No, I didn't!

Yes!

Call a lifeguard, I think

there's been a shart attack!

I'm not even

holding the mic right now.

You suck!

I have an idea.

Do you remember that thing we

used to do when I was a kid?

Yeah.

One, two, three...

Hold on, what's this?

What is going on?

My God, what am I seeing?

Am I on drugs? Of course I am!

This is too incredible!

Flex Off history

is being made!

What's up now, Brah?

Yeah, what's up now, Brah?

Yeah,

what's up now, Brah?

'Sup now, Brah?

'Sup now, Brah?

'Sup now, Brah?

This is incredible!

Take out your cameras!

Put this online!

This sh*t is going viral!

Sh*t. Let me down.

Did everybody

get a picture of that?

What the f***

are you doing?

- I can't do this...

- What?

- God...

- The winners

Of the Alpha Delta Flex Off...

Wait a minute!

Where are you going?

- Guys?

- Where are you going?

Jason!

You can't just

leave me here like this.

Why'd you stop?

We were winning!

Because I'm a lawyer!

I can't have people taking

pictures of me

doing stuff like this.

Can you imagine if the firm

saw something like that?

By default, the winner

of the Flex Off is...

Bring the cup

home, baby!

...these two d*ldos.

Every single day,

my career's in jeopardy...

- What are you doing?

- I'm taking the regulator off

The pneumatic

propulsion system.

Give me a beer.

Grandpa, what did you

really do for the army?

I told you,

I was a mechanic.

Bullshit.

You speak Arabic.

You hotwired a golf cart.

Tell me the truth.

All right,

I was Special Forces!

I trained insurgents

behind enemy lines

from Vietnam to Iraq.

Now give me the f***ing beer can!

Come on!

Look at this dummy!

What an idiot!

Whoo!

Yeah! Do it again!

We can change in Cody's room.

I picked his pocket earlier.

Nothing

to see here, guys.

Cops are gonna

come pretty quick.

No, no, this is his father,

so that's what I'm saying.

Keep him heavily sedated,

but don't be afraid to pull

the plug if you have to.

Thank you, Doctor.

Okay. They're in the

hospital till tomorrow!

The room's ours

for the night.

Look at these

f***ing people.

How was brunch at

Hitler's house that day?

Hey, Grandpa, who else

in our family knows

that you were, Special

Forces or whatever?

No one, once your

grandmother passed.

Your father

stopped talking to me

before my missions

were declassified.

So he always thought

I was just an army mechanic.

But don't you think

that you guys would

get along a little better

if you told him?

Hey, come on. Let's see

how you look. Come on out.

First of all,

nobody wears

a f***ing white belt.

The only people

who wear white belts

are people who

suck at karate

and people

who suck at life.

Take the f***ing belt off.

And you better lose that

f***ing white polo shirt

and those pleated

khaki pants.

You're meeting up with girls,

not blowing an oil executive

on a f***ing golf course.

Put these on.

Well, in case

you forgot,

I don't even have

underwear, from last night.

All right, just put them on.

I'll turn around.

Nice dick.

Jeez, Grandpa.

That's a good dick. You

got your grandpa's dick.

Not the girth, not the

length, but same style.

That's good to know.

You're lucky

you're not your dad.

He's got his mom's dick.

What the f***?

Now put your pants on.

Sh*t. It's Meredith.

Don't answer it.

My rehearsal brunch

is this weekend.

No calls.

For one night,

stop worrying about your wedding.

Please.

We have two hot, smart,

beautiful college girls

at the peak

of their sexual powers

about to meet us at one of

the last great nightclubs

in Florida.

Worry about them.

Okay.

I don't think you're very

popular here, Grandpa.

You're the one that's going

to have to watch out.

You might get Oreo'd.

Oreo'd?

That's when two black guys

f*** a white guy.

You're the cream

in the middle.

Game on.

Hey! Glad you guys made it.

Let's go get

f***ed up. Right?

My stepdad

hates me!

Let's go!

Party till you're pregnant!

My God,

I love this song!

You're not gonna

die on me, are you?

- I don't think so.

- All right!

- Come on.

- No. No.

You want it? Come here,

give me that hat!

My God...

Give me that!

What is this?

Hey! Hey, hey, hey...

Leave my illegitimate

black son alone.

We were just

asking him to dance.

Well, he don't wanna dance.

Well, maybe you wanna

dance instead.

- I don't wanna dance...

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