Dirty Grandpa Page #7

- Colonel Sanders!

It's all right.

It's all right.

Let's not dirty

this place up.

It's a shrine. Sinatra

sang here. Parking lot?

It'll be fine.

How is this going to be fine?

Look at this crew.

Come on.

We have a good crew too.

We have no crew.

We have no crew.

Are we going to J.Crew?

F*** J.Crew.

Don't do this.

I think I'm going

to have to fight them all,

so you're going to have

to take the first punch.

- What?

- Okay! He's up first.

Whatever.

You like that sh*t,

white boy?

Dude, what the f***

is wrong with you?

What? You want next, b*tch?

Hey, I thought I had next.

Tell him you're sorry you made

fun of him for being gay.

I'm sorry I made fun

of you for being gay!

Tell him you were raised

in a different era,

but now you know

it's wrong to judge people

based on their

sexual orientation

and that if you had to

be gay with someone

for some reason,

you know, to prevent a

terrorist attack or something,

it would be with him.

What?!

Say it.

If I had to be gay

with somebody

to prevent

a terrorist attack,

it would be you!

Apology accepted.

Okay.

Get out of here

before I use my other arm.

This ain't over.

Now f*** off and take

Jodeci with you.

Let's roll.

It's too bad Lenore barfed

all over herself tonight.

I definitely could have

had sex with her.

Yup.

I probably could have

still had sex

if she just threw up

on her front,

but she somehow got

it all over her back,

and I would

have felt bad.

Well, chivalry

isn't dead.

I like the way you took

that haymaker tonight.

Sometimes you just gotta take

that punch up front, you know?

Then things get easier

in the long run.

"De Oppresso Liber."

It's written

on your knife too.

What does that mean?

Hey, lights out

after 12:
00, boys.

I better not

catch you swimming

across the lake

to the girls' camp, okay?

- Night.

- Good night.

You know, maybe I'll find

something to do

with Shadia tomorrow

and give you and Lenore

a little more alone time.

I kind of feel like we're

just getting in your way.

Yeah?

I'm sure there's

something...

What the f***?

Did you just get naked?

It's the best

way to sleep.

My God!

I picked it up in Uganda

from the Umbatdo.

Umbat-don't let your junk

touch my leg again

or you're sleeping

on the floor.

Night.

Night.

Jason...

The f***! My God!

What do these guys want to cut

all the trees down for anyway?

For some stupid, like,

massive, tacky

entertainment complex.

You know, the ones with,

like, arcades

and laser tag.

That sort of thing.

Laser tag?

I love laser tag.

Yeah.

- When does it open?

- Nice. Thanks a lot.

- Shadia!

- Hi, Griz.

My God, your pics from

the Boston rally look amazing!

- Thank you.

- Yeah. Absolutely.

Sweet Hacky Sack, man.

It's not a Hacky Sack, dawg.

That's the trade name.

It's an organic

hemp-seed foot satchel.

And what's someone

from the f***ing

laser tag lobby

doing here?

No, I'm just

a friend of Shadia's.

Just a friend.

That's pretty cool, man.

What is that, a dance ball?

F***! What the f***?

- You're f***ing kidding me.

- It's like a...

What the f***!

It's a 4-inch acrylic

juggling orb!

Dick.

I'll see you guys

next weekend.

- Absolutely. Absolutely.

- Yeah? Okay. Bye.

Love your necklace.

Bye.

Hey, Griz...

Don't touch that,

it's from Laser Tag.

Sorry.

They're good people.

I swear.

Let me see that.

Where are you going

with these "good people"?

We're heading out

to the coast

to... charter

a boat for the year.

- For the year?

- Yeah.

To do what?

We're documenting

the effects

of climate change

out on the ocean.

Aren't you supposed

to graduate next weekend?

Yeah.

Seems to me like you're

running from something.

Come on, haven't you

had to make sacrifices

to get where you are

as a photographer?

I mean, yeah, but...

That's different.

Look at this.

I hate photos of myself.

Why?

You look beautiful.

See?

Hey.

Wait, just calm down.

What?

Sh*t. Yeah,

we'll be right there.

- What's going on?

- We gotta go.

And then I came back

from the bathroom

and all those black guys

from the club

were, like, standing around

Lenore and Dr. Richards

and they were yelling at

them and threatening them

and they, like,

kidnapped them!

And I think

one of them had a gun!

Did you see

where they took them?

No.

Those guys are staying

at The Tillman.

That's all I know.

- Okay.

- Come on!

- Come on!

- Sh*t!

What?

I smell marijuana.

What are you going to

do with a bucket?

I don't know!

Okay, on three. Ready?

One, two, three!

Okay, let me try

one more time.

The GZA, the RZA,

Ol' Dirty Bastard.

What's going on?

Gang stuff.

Raekwon the Chef!

And the Method Man!

Hey! Here they are!

How was the protest?

It was good.

Yeah, it was good.

This is Lamar,

Lil' Chris, Big Chris,

Murray Finkelstein.

And, of course, you've

already met Ty-rizone.

That nigga's crazy, man.

Yeah, what's with

the N-word, anyway?

I can say it.

I can't say it...

You can say it

when we let you say it.

Which is never.

Just never say that

under any circumstances.

Shotgun!

What the f*** is going on?

I thought these guys

wanted to kill you!

Lebanese Red.

I had some of this left over

from my time

in the Middle East.

You throw some of

this sh*t around,

you can really

get away with anything.

Have some.

You're smoking

grass now?

Jesus, this is a

gateway drug, Grandpa.

Yeah, well, you just opened

the gateway to being a p*ssy.

- Take some.

- Yo, D.

Let's f***ing bounce!

Let's f***ing bounce!

Where?

Can I say it?

Can I say it?

No! No, no.

Say it!

Say that sh*t!

I'm totally gonna

f*** him tonight.

Can I watch?

'Cause I kind of want

to f*** him too now.

Drop the mic, baby!

Drop the mic, baby!

That's what

I'm talking about!

Peace out, niggas!

I see you, boy.

Nasty!

Up next we have

Shadia and Jason!

Yep, it's us now.

What? No. No, no, no, no.

- No...

- Come on.

We can't top that.

I don't want to do this.

You know the song.

You know every word. See?

You're going to make me

do it all alone?

Fine.

Hey.

Damn!

Who are you?

I'm just saying,

who sings that well

and isn't

a professional singer?

You're so good at singing

you actually suck!

You guys want to come up

for a nightcap?

Yeah, well...

See if sh*t gets real?

Well, young

Michael Buble and I

are gonna have a stogie

by the pool, so...

- See you up there?

- Yeah.

I want you to know

how much I appreciate

you doing this

for me, Jason.

The greatest gift a grandson

can give his grandfather

is a hot college girl who

wants to have unprotected sex

with him before he dies.

Yeah, well, most grandpas

just want toffee.

What's the matter?

I think I'm gonna

call off my wedding.

Well, when you get married,

it's for a long f***ing time.

And it's hard.

So it damn well

better be with a woman

who keeps things

interesting.

You know

your grandmother,

she tried to grow her

own pot plant once?

- Really?

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