Dirty Grandpa Page #8

- Yeah,

She just wanted to see

if she could do it.

She was always

surprising me like that.

We also tried anal

once every five years.

Sweet.

I miss having someone

to share everything with.

It's not fair

to just keep Shadia

in the dark like this.

Since we started this,

it's just been one big lie.

She has no idea who I am.

I have to tell

her the truth.

Well, maybe telling her

tonight is a little abrupt.

The most important part

of a relationship is trust.

That's right.

And I'm going

to start now.

Or you can just wait till I

have sex with Lenore tonight,

then you can

tell Shadia everything.

No. I'm just lying.

Jason,

I'm your grandfather!

You wait till I f***

that college girl!

- I'm telling her now.

- Jason...

Jason! Jason!

Jason!

Jason!

'Sup, brah?

Back off, D cups!

Well, if it isn't

the "Professor."

You know, it's amazing

what you can find

with a name

and Google these days.

You're not

a real professor?

My God! You lied to us.

How could you.

Wait, wait, wait,

this is the best part.

This is the best part.

Richard "Dick" Kelly,

Lieutenant Colonel

in the United States Army,

also known as the

American Gladiator "Nitro."

What the f***

did you Google?

Okay, well, there's

another best part then.

"Jason Patrick Kelly will wed

Meredith Miriam Goldstein

"at Jericho Temple

on Saturday, March 27th."

Wait, that's...

next Saturday.

Wait, you're grandfather

and grandson?

My God!

That is so f***ed up.

That is so hot. I mean,

that is so f***ed up.

So...

Are you getting married

next weekend?

I was.

I was getting married,

but then I met you,

and now I don't...

My God!

No. Don't pull that sh*t.

I feel f***ing stupid

enough as it is.

So you're not a professor?

Are you even a photographer?

I'm a lawyer.

I handle

SEC compliance.

LLC agreements.

I came up here to...

Get the f*** out, Jason.

Seriously.

Can I have

a second to explain?

No!

Hold up, hold up.

Not so fast, "Professor."

For what's it worth,

I still really

want to f*** you.

And we're going to f***.

Yeah, we are.

We're going to thunder f***.

You're gonna

tsunami on my face!

You're gonna

flood like the Nile.

Yeah. I guess the drought

in my p*ssy is finally over.

The villagers

will finally eat.

You're gonna die

while you're eating me out.

I want your last breath

to be in my p*ssy.

Lenore!

You're such a slut.

Police!

That's right.

Po-po in the ho-ho.

Some kind of ganja party?

Sorry to harsh your mellows.

Where's my e-vite?

Is that the jacket?

Check the right coat pocket.

Check it, man.

Okay, turn around.

Come on.

That's my jacket.

That's not his jacket.

Up against

the palm. There you go.

Let's have a look.

What've you got in here?

- Bingo-bango.

- OMG.

What the f***?

That's not mine!

"What the f***?"

That's not mine!

The f***? Well,

it looks like Spring Break

is finally drug free!

Come on, let's go.

Let's go, pretty boy.

Shall we?

No, it doesn't go down

that way. Let's go.

I'll wait for you, Grandpa.

Keep that sh*t

tight for me!

He's my Henry Miller.

What the f***

does that mean?

Exactly!

Hey, there he is.

You got blood on your

pants, you know.

Your license isn't

even suspended, is it?

You made all this up just so

I'd come down here with you.

I had to make

sure you'd come.

F*** you!

Just chill, Jason.

Hakuna matata.

Who the f*** are you?

I should have known

you were f***ing crazy

the moment you started

hitting on women

the day after

Grandma's funeral!

Don't you f***ing

judge me.

You have no idea what I had

with your grandmother.

And everything I've done

these last few days

I've done for a reason.

You were about to f*** up

royally by getting married,

- and you f***ing know it!

- Yeah?

What the f***

am I supposed to do now?

Chase around

some college girl

that doesn't even

want to f***ing talk to me?

Not know what the f*** I'm

doing for the rest of my life?

Yeah, because at least

you'd be thinking

for yourself for a change.

What the f***

does that even mean?

Your father has lorded

over every decision

you've made

in your adult life,

and Meredith is just

the latest example of that!

She's not

right for you, Jason.

If you marry her, you're

going to be sleepwalking

through the rest of your life

and be completely unhappy,

just like your father!

I am already

unhappy with my life,

because I've done nothing

but get f***ed by you

and this insane f*** rampage

that you've been on.

It wasn't

a "f*** rampage" for me.

It was

a "f*** rampage" for you.

How? How is this for me?

I f***ed up

as a father.

I wasn't there

to raise your dad

and he turned into

a materialistic,

henpecked, poop-dick

country clubber.

I don't want that

to happen to you.

So that's what this was?

I was your last-ditch

redemption project.

Congratulations,

Grandpa.

You thought you were

a shitty father?

Now you're

a shitty grandfather.

I don't want to see you

at my wedding.

Stay the f***

away from me.

So, do you like this

size, or this size?

Hey, hon,

the people at the venue

said they don't have

enough mint napkins,

so which one

do you like better?

The seafoam or

the pistachio?

I'll get it.

What is it?

It's... Just another

wedding present.

I hope it's that

new big dipping spoon

from Williams-Sonoma.

...and as a tribute

to Meredith and Jason

and the love

that you guys share.

A love I will never know

because my dog

died the first day

I masturbated.

So now I can't

get hard unless...

Okay.

Also, we've got to stop ISIS.

It's gotten... It's too much.

Got it. Got it.

You know, today's celebration

is much more

than just about the union

of two people,

it's also about the union

of two families.

Meredith...

The Kellys and the Goldsteins.

Let's have Jason and Meredith

tell their own story.

Nice job,

Uncle Dave!

Let's go in for the kill.

You've been hacked.

Because you loved me.

What the f***?

That is not

Martha's Vineyard.

Jason!

- Take it off!

- Trying, dear. Trying.

Leave them on.

Shut it down.

I have something to say.

I think I've been listening

to everybody else

about what I should be

doing with my life.

My grandpa said something

really interesting.

All right, cut the mics.

I'm going up.

...take that punch,

that point forward,

things get easier.

- The mic's off.

- Jason, your mic cut out.

What?

Your mic cut out at the

most inopportune time,

so we can't hear

why you want to leave

those images up.

Hitting it won't work.

If they caught it

from the PA... Band?

What the f***?

Nick, can you

tell her something for me?

Can you tell her

that...

I'm really sorry,

but I can't marry her.

You think that message

should come from me? Okay...

Uncle Ramon,

can you tell Meredith

that Jason's sorry,

but that they

can't get married?

F***!

I forgot Uncle Ramon

was deaf

and I talked to him

like a normal.

Uncle Ruben,

can you please tell Meredith

that Jason is really sorry,

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