Dirty Grandpa Page #9

but that he can't marry her?

He says he's very sorry,

but he can't marry you.

Uncle Ruben,

can you turn

that thing up a little?

It doesn't get any louder.

Where'd you get

that thing, SkyMall?

At this point,

I'm kind of nervous

that anybody I pick

will have a disability.

Okay... Waiter...

Hey, Pubes.

Can you please

go tell Meredith

that my cousin Jason

is very sorry,

but they cannot

get married?

Come on, man.

It's my first day...

I know

it's your first day,

but everybody needs

you to be a man here.

Okay.

Just real quick...

He sent me... He wants

me to tell you that...

He doesn't think

that he can marry you.

But that he's sorry

that he can't.

She's laughing, so I think

that you're in the clear, bro.

No, it's good.

That was good.

You can just

go back and tell him

that I f***ed his cousin

Nick while he was gone.

She's so super

cool about it.

She's like, "Go!

Do your thing. Do you."

She said that?

That's what she said,

verbatim.

Wait. Should I come down

and say bye?

No. God! F*** no!

No?

Yeah. No need to even...

Let's not even...

You just... I've done it...

We're great!

Wait, where the f***

is he going?

Jason!

Jason!

It's actually the guy on

the moped with the iPad.

NSA stopped using

utility vans years ago.

I figured once you sent

the camera back,

it was time to take

drastic measures.

What'd he say?

Are we doing this?

Plan B,

have Pam kidnap you.

I've got to

get her back.

You want me

to kidnap her?

I'll bring her back to you

in a box, bro.

She's on a bus headed west

on I-85 across Florida.

Her boat leaves

in four hours.

It was easy

to track her down

because of the whole

Middle Eastern thing.

Bet you never thought

you'd 69 a girl

because of the Patriot Act.

You 69 her, man!

And then she's dead.

Are you kidding me, Pam?

This is what you drive?

Yeah, it is so easy

selling kids drugs

from an ice cream truck.

It's crazy!

Jason!

- Jason!

- Go, go, go, go!

Jason, stop!

Stop right now.

Stop! Stop!

If you leave right now,

you can kiss your job

at the firm goodbye!

David, will you get

the f*** out of the way!

Hey, hey! Come on!

What the hell!

Hey, guy, unless you want

a Chipwich or some heroin,

get off my ice cream truck!

Who the f*** is this slob?

Slob? I am a small

business owner!

I am the backbone

of this country!

I am holding a taser!

- Sh*t!

- Dude, should I stop?

What are you...

I'm kind of in the

middle of it right here.

Sh*t! All right.

Raise your hand

if you've got a boner!

What were we

supposed to do?

Just leave him

on the side of road?

Hey, man, can you slow down?

You're making this

very difficult.

What the f***!

That was you who drew

all those d*cks

on me last week?

Yeah, I drew the d*cks.

Busted!

My God!

Sh*t!

Don't worry. Get up. We'll cut

through the back roads.

- Wait, what?

- You navigate. I'll drive.

Watch out! Watch out!

What the hell

is going on?

- Got ourselves a bogey.

- All right, let's do this!

F***! We gotta

lose some of this weight.

Pam, throw some

of this sh*t out of here!

Hey, look, it's Pam.

He's the good kind of Greek.

Hey, Gene.

Hey, Gary.

How the hell do you know

how to drive like that, Dad?

Damn it, Grandpa.

Just tell him!

I was a Green Beret

in Special Forces.

I taught insurgents

behind enemy lines.

Mechanic was just my cover.

Good! We're all made up!

There they are!

That's them! Let's go, go, go!

Shadia!

Jason?

Stop the bus!

I need to talk to you!

What are you doing here

- in an ice cream truck?

- Stop the bus!

Okay!

Pull over!

I'm not pulling over!

Thanks a lot, Pam!

You narc!

What! I'm not a narc, Barry!

F*** you!

Pam, you know him?

Barry? Yeah, he's, like,

my best friend.

I sold him, like,

six tons of ecstasy...!

That's why they're not

stopping the bus.

It's full of drugs.

Classic Pam.

- I know that man.

- Stop the bus!

Jason, where are you going?

What are you doing?

What are they...

You'd better

marry that girl.

Me? Nah, she's not really

my type. Too skinny.

What the f***?

Slow down!

My God!

What are you doing?

Slow down, dude!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go get her, man!

What is going on?

What just happened?

Hey. I don't even

f***ing know,

but I'm not

getting married.

Okay, so that makes it okay

that you were lying to me?

No. No, it doesn't.

But you have to admit that

when we were together

it felt great.

There was something

real there.

Yeah.

What do you

want from me, Jason?

I want you to stay.

I just can't stay.

Okay.

No, I get it.

Yeah.

What if I come with you?

Come...

- Really?

- I mean...

I just broke up with my

fiancee, lost my job.

And I think I'm wanted

by the police, so...

A year at sea

might actually be

the best place for me.

Okay.

Break it up, lesbians!

Let's go.

Get down on the ground!

We're doing this because

you're lesbians!

Get down on the ground!

According to

Interstate Statute 17.37,

arrests made on the

Interstate Highway System

must be executed

by state police,

not your local

law enforcement

from your adjacent

municipalities.

You seem, like,

really familiar

with the penal code.

You seem real cocksure

about the juris-dick-tion

you're in.

Real cocksure!

Someone drew d*cks all

over your face, you idiot!

Well, look at that!

You got d*cks on your face.

That middle one's mine.

Look it, this one right here.

I traced it.

I thought I recognized that!

Enough catching up.

Let my friends go.

They've literally

done nothing wrong.

Pam, we've got obstruction

of justice here.

We got reckless

endangerment.

The bus is full of drugs,

I get it.

Speaking of which,

I've got to get out of here.

I got three keys

of "Frisbees"

showing up at the

store today, so...

I should go,

question mark?

Why don't you

take my squad car.

That's a good idea.

Give him your keys.

You mean these keys?

There they are.

- Classic Pam.

- Classic Pam.

What do you say

we get some lunch?

Love it.

See you fucks later.

So, I'm gonna

go with her.

Yeah, you should.

She seems real nice.

You know, I think this is

our only way back now,

so I'm gonna try to get

these c*cks off of my face

and get that

truck started.

- Just give me one sec.

- Yeah.

Grandpa...

Thank you for...

Don't give me

any of that sh*t.

Just let me know

when you get back.

And I actually want

to see your photos

in Time magazine.

This camera set me

back three months

of my army pension!

Thanks, Grandpa.

And, Jason...

Yeah?

Back in the '80s,

when Andre the Giant

used to go to

the Playboy Mansion,

he'd stack five playmates

on top of each other on a bed

and fingerfuck them all.

Five at a time.

Because his hands

were so big.

So...

That's it.

Thanks, Grandpa.

"De Oppresso Liber."

Motto of the Green Berets.

It means

"to liberate the oppressed."

Hey. You ready?

Yep.

Well, thanks for the ride.

You gonna be okay, Dad?

I miss her.

But I'll be okay.

I was a shitty father

and I'm sorry.

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