Dirty Laundry Page #6

Man, that is the last thing

that I need.

Some psychoanalysis from a guy

who cuts meat at a butcher shop.

Butcher shop, huh?

That's fine. I guess you

can talk about me, huh?

'Cause I just work

at a butcher shop.

And you've done gone off and made

this whole new life for yourself, huh, Sheldon?

- Well-

- Oh, wait a minute. That's right. I'm sorry.

It's Patrick now.

Patrick the writer.

Patrick the man about town.

Man, you think you are smarter than everybody

else and better than everybody else.

Better than me. Better than Mama.

You don't know yourself, boy.

You know, Eugene, listen to me.

- I am not ashamed of who I am.

- Oh, you're proud of who you are?

Is that why little Swiss Miss out there thought

Mama was some supermodel in France?

You so damn proud of yourself, but apparently

you couldn't tell your fancy-ass friends...

- that your mama ain't nothing

but a washwoman, huh, boy?

- Sheldon, is that true?

- Mama, l-

- [Eugene] You need to look in the mirror, boy.

- Look in the mirror.

- Could you guys keep your voices down?

You know what? You think you know everything,

and you don't know sh*t.

- [Eugene] Really?

- [Sheldon] Really!

All you do is whine.

Talk about yourself.

Complain about yourself.

You didn't even care about your own son!

Look, I didn't ask

to have a damn kid, okay?

Everybody shut up!

[Sheldon]

Know what? This is simple. It's real simple.

Wanna know why I didn't

come back here for 10 years?

Because I didn't want

to have to look in the mirror...

and realize one day

that I had become you!

Sheldon.

[Sheldon Narrating]

Let's go back a couple chapters.

[Typing]

I had a wonderful life

in New York City.

And why wouldn't I?

I had the perfect job-

a successful writer

at a prominent magazine.

- [Knocking]

- Yes?

You're late.

This month's cover just hit the stands,

and the buzz is phenomenal.

We are on fire.

All I keep hearing...

is how this absolutely captures

the drive, the energy...

the struggle of what

it's like for today's woman...

to be successful, both at home

and in the marketplace.

It is very new,

very now, very modern...

and very, very, very Susan.

Thank you, everyone. I really

couldn't have done it-

Oh, Patrick, so nice

of you to join us.

Oh, I am so very sorry.

- He was drinking coffee.

- I spilled coffee on my tie.

Okay, Liz, be a love and get us two coffees,

would you, dear? Patrick, what'll you have?

Uh, yeah. I'll have

a mochaccino grande...

made with decaffeinated

native bean, uh, soy milk...

heavy on the foam

and a hint of nutmeg.

- Okay? Thank you.

- Two black coffees, dear.

- What about his mochaccino?

- For next month's magazine...

we're gonna have a wonderful photo

of myself and the dog, Winston.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Yes?

Well, this month's cover, Susan-

I didn't notice my article.

- I got your latest article.

So anyway, Winston and l-

- And?

- [Chuckles] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Susan.

- I hated it.

Susan, I've been very good

to this magazine.

Well, of course you have. Otherwise I never

would've hired you to work for Susan Fairchild.

- Okay. So what's the problem?

- There's no grit.

There's no emotional depth.

It just doesn't pop.

- Pop.

- It's boring.

- Boring.

- Boring?

- Boring.

- As a friend, I adore you...

but as your editor,

you bore the hell out of me.

Susan, are you firing me?

No, no, no, no, no.

Nothing like that.

What I do think is you should go back

to the drawing board. Take a couple of months-

two, three, four, six.

And come back with something fresh.

Get real, Patrick.

You're a writer. Now write.

- Uh-

- Thank you. For next month's cover,

Winston and I are-

[Sheldon Narrating] You know how we're always

looking for that one person...

who accepts us for exactly who we are,

warts and all?

Well, I found him.

Well, it's their loss.

Me. Fired.

I can't believe it.

Well, I mean, she didn't really fire you.

She just said that you should-

You needed to take some time off.

[Together]

Fired.

Two years.

That job was so perfect.

- Nothing's perfect, baby.

- We are.

- Oh.

- [Chuckles]

Well, maybe now you can-

you can write that book

you've always wanted to...

- and you'll become super famous

and everyone will want you.

- Right.

And then you can

make tons of money...

and buy the magazine back

and totally fire her ass.

[Laughs]

Yeah, yeah.

You are goofy. You know that?

Cute but goofy.

And we're gonna have mini quiches.

- Mmm. Do I have to come?

- Yes.

It's my three-year anniversary.

You're my best friend.

It's not like you guys are married. You know,

honestly, I don't know what you see in him.

He loves me and we wear

the same size shoe.

- I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

- Ooh.

You know,

and another thing-

Patrick has never once complained

about my acting career...

- or any of-

- Or lack thereof.

That's what I'm talking about.

You're my best friend and you are constantly

ragging on me all the time.

I'm just saying that

nude musical theater...

isn't the fast track to Broadway.

Maybe not, but Patrick

supports what I do.

Seriously, Daniel, he's the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

- Weight Watchers is the best

thing that ever happened to you.

- Oh!

- [Doorbell Rings]

- I'm here to party, baby.

[Sheldon Narrating] Have you ever had a day

where anything that could go wrong, does?

Happy anniversary, baby.

Oh. Thank you, baby.

[Sheldon Narrating] Some people call it

Murphy's Law. I call it Tuesday of last week.

- Happy anniversary, you two.

- Mmm!

- Oh. Thank you, Daniel.

- Mm-hmm.

[Hip-hop Playing]

He's a little touchy.

- [Chattering]

- [Doorbell Rings]

- Hello there!

- Is this Apartment 7 B?

Hey, guys, who wants

Sunflower Girl cookies?

I'm not selling any cookies.

- Are you serious?

- [Continues]

[Chattering]

[Sheldon Narrating]

In the literary world...

this is what we call

an emotional climax.

- I'm looking for Mr. Davis.

- Excuse me?

I'm looking for Mr. Davis.

I'm- I'm Mr. Davis.

Who are you?

Um, Gabriel.

Your son.

- [Scratches]

- Oh!

[Glass Shatters]

Look, I just need to go

and straighten all of this out.

- But you said he's not your kid.

- And he's not.

Then why do you have to leave?

This is-This is crazy.

Somehow he got all the way out here.

Obviously, there's been

a mistake. He's only 10.

I know...

but I need to figure out the whos

and the whats of this whole thing.

We're okay.

Look, baby, trust me.

I love you.

I love you too.

And I do trust you.

Good. Well, I'll call you

when I get to Paris, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

- So let me get this straight. You let him leave?

- What was I supposed to do?

Hmm. Let's see.

Go with him? Follow him?

Hire a private investigator?

Hit him over the head with a baseball bat?

- But a relationship is built on trust.

- Let me tell you about trust.

When I was a kid,

I would wait all night for Santa Claus.

I'd have the milk and cookies by the fireplace

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