Dirty Laundry Page #7

and the list of toys snuggled under the pillow.

And when I'd wake up in the

morning, there were no gifts.

No gifts under the tree,

no gifts anywhere.

And my parents told me it was because Santa

didn't visit little Vietnamese kids.

And it wasn't until years later that I found out

that Santa did visit Vietnamese kids.

My parents were just cheap.

- But you're Chinese.

- That's not the point.

The point is, trust will take its hot jagged blade

and slice your heart in two.

- You really need therapy.

- And you need to wake up.

Are you saying that Patrick's

word is good enough?

I am the last one to butt into

someone else's business, but I'm just saying...

if I were you, I would be a little bit

curious about this love child.

- Okay. Stop calling him that.

- What else are you gonna call him?

Has Patrick ever mentioned

the possibility of having a child?

Children. I mean, who knows?

Maybe he has some secret life somewhere.

A wife, 12 kids.

Grandchildren maybe.

Oh, my Uncle Rico,

he had this whole secret life.

All the time we thought

he was this working-class bum fixing cars.

Come to find out,

he was smuggling fruit from overseas.

He had this whole mango empire.

Mango jam, mango ice cream, mango tea,

regular mangoes, dried mangoes...

mangoes in light syrup,

mangoes in heavy syrup, mango preserves-

Carm, Carm.

We're talking about Ryan's trifling man.

Okay, look, I am- I am

choosing to believe Patrick.

- Oh, baby.

- I trust him.

I trust him.

This is so sad.

It's like watching

a house burn down.

[High-pitched Voice]

Fire! Fire!

- [Chattering]

- [Singing Operatic Note]

- [Laughing]

- [Singing Continues]

[Jackie]

Crazy like that.

Oh.

So, Ryan, I made up

the spare room for you...

and got fresh linens and everything.

Don't even worry about it.

I'm just gonna stay with Patrick tonight.

Oh, do you know what? Why don't you

just go ahead and stay in the guest room...

and I'll check in on you

in a minute, okay?

Come on.

[Woman Vocalizing]

- You know I ain't perfect, Sheldon.

- Nobody is, Mama.

I've done the best

I could with what I had-

- Look, you know what-

- No, you hush a minute.

Now, I didn't have a lot.

I worked hard tryin' to provide

somethin' for y'all.

[Sighs]

A house, a home, a little guidance...

a good upbringing.

[Sighs]

I just wish you had

a little bit more pride-

were a little bit prouder

of me, of yourself.

Guess I did a better job

of washing clothes than raising kids, huh?

But I ain't apologizin'

to you, Sheldon...

'cause raisin' kids

ain't easy, baby.

It ain't easy.

- [Woman Singing]

- France!

Mama.

[Ends]

[Sighs]

- So, um-

- I don't wanna talk about it.

[Children Shouting]

[Chuckles]

Okay. I-I can, uh- I can respect that.

You know, look, Gabe...

about what I said

last night, uh-

You know, your uncle

and your grandmother...

they really can just

get up under my skin, you know?

And sometimes adults can say things

that they really just don't mean.

- I guess.

- [School Bell Rings]

Okay. Well, maybe

you and I can be friends.

I got friends. Thanks.

[Door Closes]

[Sighs]

- Hey. What's the matter?

- Nothing.

Well, there's gotta be something,

or you wouldn't be in here making the ugly face.

Today's the callback

for the dance recital, and I'm not going.

Not going to a callback?

That has to be one of the seven deadly sins.

You have to go.

But the girls said I'm fat.

You're not fat.

A little round, but not fat.

They laughed at me and said I bounce around

like a dodgeball in a tutu.

Sweetie, they're just

bitter b*tches.

- You can't let them steal your sunshine.

- Really?

Yeah. It's- It's like

Diana Ross in Mahogany.

You have to do it your way.

- Mahoga-what?

- Please tell me you've seen Mahogany.

[Laughs]

Oh, my God!

I mean, as incredible as Diana

was in Lady Sings the Blues-

which she totally deserved

the Oscar for-

Mahogany was a tour de force.

I mean, she even designed

her own costumes.

- Mm-mmm.

- Okay. All About Eve?

Carmen Jones, Valley of the Dolls,

Mommy Dearest?

Okay, Dreamgirls,

original Broadway cast?

- Nope.

- Baby girl, we need an intervention.

Abigail. Come on, girl.

We gonna be late. I ain't got time for all this.

- What you mean, meddlin'?

- That's right!

Because you are always puttin' your nose

in somebody else's business.

My family is my business!

I don't meddle, do I, Eugene?

Well, um, on the wedding day

you did interrupt the service.

Well, I had something to say.

Well, when the pastor asks,

"Does anybody have anything to say?"

Only ghetto people

really have something to say.

Oh, baby, that was four years ago.

You need to get over yourself.

- Stop it, Mama. Come on, Abigail. We gotta go.

- Wait.

- Baby. Baby.

- Wait.

Now, Mother Davis,

you know I love you.

- Don't call me Mother Davis.

- Mama, you asked her to call you Mother Davis!

Well, it just seems silly,

her calling me Mama Davis, old as she is.

Old? Who you callin'-

Oh, you can't even spell "old."

- Sittin' here lookin' dumb as a doorknob.

- Now-Ab-

Mama, I don't know why

you're startin' in with that.

- You know Abby's only two years older than me.

- In what, dog years?

- Mama, that's my wife you're talkin' about.

- That's right.

- And you can't talk about her like that.

- That's right!

Even if it is just two years,

Abby looks damn good to be a old woman.

- That's ri- Old?

- Well-

- It's only two years.

- Well, l-

And besides, don't get it twisted.

This body is lovely...

and I don't see you complaining.

Hmm.

Come on, Abigail.

We're gonna be late.

Well, you can't have babies

with powdered eggs!

And as the saying goes...

if the beans ain't cookin',

somethin' must be wrong...

with the Crock-Pot.

Come on, baby.

Abigail. A-Abigail! Abigail!

You know what, Mother Davis?

You are right.

I may be having some difficulties

having kids...

but when I do have my children,

I will love them...

and I will nurture them, and I will be

the best mother they have ever had.

Are your kids able to say the same?

Let's go, Cooter!

This sure ain't The Brady Bunch.

- Come on!

- I'm comin'! You ain't gotta yell at me.

Y'all get home safe.

What the hell you

lookin' at, Miss Mosley?

Nosy heifer.

- Go, Cooter. Come on!

- Now, Ab-

- Girl.

- Jesus keep me near the cross

Oh

[Man Singing]

- [Continues]

- [No Audible Dialogue]

[Fades Out]

So last on my list, ladies, is- Oh.

Okay, everyone.

Next up is Pudge Davis.

[Girl]

Mm-hmm.

Just do your best, dear.

Psst. Baby girl.

Okay. Remember-

Diana, Dorothy, Betty, Joan. Diva.

You got this.

You got it.

Diva. Diva, diva, diva.

[Hip-hop Playing]

[Man Singing]

[Ends]

- [Laughing]

- [Girl] Whoo!

[Teacher]

Okay.

You worked it.

[Man Singing]

Let's grill! Let's grill!

[Continues]

[Muttering, Humming]

You just do not

understand how-

Cooter. Cooter? Cooter.

- Look, don't be mad. I called him.

- [Scoffs]

I just think it would be good if you guys

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