Doc Hollywood Page #4

Now listen up, smart ass.

Next time I tell you how to treat a patient

of mine, you better damn well do it! Doctor!

I doubt you'd know crap from Crisco.

Hey.

Guten abend, herr Doktor.

Uh, yeah, right

SH*T!

Uh, wait. Wait. Hold your horses, Doc.

Now, what if I walked in in the

middle of a hernia operation,

.. see some poor gentlemen's guts all over?

You killed my car.

I resent that.

That car was my life, Melvin!

That car was my baby!

You want me to stop now? I can put it in

some boxes, ship it out to Hollywood for you

No skin off my nose.

I Pumpengehause.

You and me call it an oil pump casing.

Lane had two years of the

German language in high school.

Es ist kaput.

Doc, let's step into my office.

I don't need a car.

I'm moving to Los Angeles.

What do I need a car for?

Lash you'self to the mast, Doc.

There's a fella up in Oregon, he's got a oil

pump he could air express to us tomorrow.

Two hundred and thirty-nine bucks,

plus shipping. Only one problem.

Oregon exploded?

No. He don't take credit.

Or checks. And tomorrow being Saturday,

you can't just wire some cash to him.

Okay, Melvin. Let me ask you this.

How do you propose I pay for this?

I was hoping you'd pay me.

Then I could trade him for a front rocker

assembly I got from a '68 Nova, but...

You don't take credit and

you don't take checks.

No sir. I apologize.

How long will this guy in Oregon wait?

I imagine I could stall him till Sunday noon

Now, he's got another taker in Arizona.

But I was first.

Stall him.

Hi Doc. Hi Doc!

Mornin' Doc.

Mornin' Ben Stone.

Howdy, y'all.

Dr. Stone? Dr. Stone, I presume?

Yeah, that's right.

Hi.

Hi!

Say, you're much taller

than they said you were.

Uh, I'm uh, sitting on a stool.

Oh!

And... and you are?

Dying to get out of this town.

How about you?

Here's your breakfast.

Lillian, I haven't ordered yet.

Compliments of the house.

Don't let old Hogue scare you off, Doc.

We know you weren't aiming

to kill that boy last night.

Wait a minute.

You're not plannin' on stayin' in Grady?

Oh, only as long as I have to.

Thank God.

For a second there I thought

they got their hooks into you, too.

What? You don't like Grady?

No.

So how come you don't leave?

With you?

Is that a proposition, Doctor?

I better eat this before it gets cold.

Excuse me. Nice meeting you.

Sure.

Thanks, Lillian.

"Prosser on Torts?" "Civil Procedure?"

a little light reading this morning Miss Lou

Did I invite you to sit down?

No. But you were going to.

Southern hospitality and all.

Now what?

Now let's talk about you.

Okay. I like my privacy. I'm a vegetarian,

and I'd appreciate it if..

.. you'd take that slab of ham back up to

counter with you. It gives me the willies

Uh, it's... I didn't order this slab.

Oh, let's see now.

I suppose you'll say something cute

to stall your retreat.

Maybe tell me all about the big city,

.. all the things I'm missing

livin' in this dinky old town..

.. and how you'd like to be

the one to take me out of it.

Yeah, okay. Now that you mention it.

Isn't that why you're going to law school?

'Cause you want to get the

hell out of this dinky little town?

I'm not going yet. And I plan to

practice in Grady when I'm through.

Yeah,

it looks like a hotbed of legal activity.

Well, malpractice for a visiting

young surgeon seems promising.

Who's the green apple, Viloula?

Henry, this is Ben Stone.

Hey.

Oh yeah. The new croaker.

Hank Gordon. You're in my chair.

Boyfriend?

Friend-friend.

Need any life insurance?

What?

You should be vested in a term life program.

Probably, quarter of a mil to start.

Come by my office. We could run a

what-if. Or are you too chicken?

Dr. Stone? I read somewhere that..

.. doctors have the highest suicide rate

in any profession except dentistry.

Now, is that true?

I won't underwrite dentists. Nope.

Never trust a man who'll

put his hand in your mouth.

Well, I'd love to stay and hear

where this conversation's headed,

.. but if you'll all excuse me.

There's something else I wanted to ask you.

Do doctors know more about...

sex than normal people?

I need some ketchup.

I have a fair knowledge of animal husbandry.

It's all pretty much the same thing.

Bye Doc.

Bye.

Women trouble, Ben Stone?

Nah.

Squat it here.

Regard the Grady squash, sir.

Looks like a yellow zucchini.

Nope, nope. See,

up until 1933, you had your Grady,

you had your zucchini.

They goin' at it, gourd to gourd.

Freak tornado accident wiped out a whole

entire shipment of Grady's bound for,

I personally believe, agricultural stardom

at the Chicago World's Fair.

Zucchini took there. Never relented.

If it had gone the other way,

no telling where this town would be today.

What are you talking about?

Timing. Same thing with women.

And with Southern women, well,

they require a substantial commitment.

You might have to stay here six months.

I don't know, maybe more.

Are you a betting man, Nick?

Well, I have been known on occasion.

Take me about a week.

You mean, Viloula in the center pocket?

Ten bucks?

Ten? Okay, you got it.

I'm tell... feels like I'm fleecing you,

Ben Stone.

Easy.

Hello, Nurse Packer.

All right. Ha ha. Okay, let's get

something straight right now, okay?

I got 8 years of higher education. I got 1

year of internship I got 1 year of residency

I'm seventy thousand dollars in debt.

Now, I'm waylaid in this Hee-Haw hell and

you insist on clocking me in and out..

.. like Im some kind of factory worker! Well

no! N-O, no! This is where I draw the line.

I believe you have a visitor, Doctor.

Doc, my foot feels so good,

I brought you this pig.

Okay.

I can't abide being in no man's debt.

This pig's all I got to give.

Why? I'm already paid more or less by the

hospital. I really can't accept your pig.

It's a done deal.

She's your pig now.

God bless you both.

Keep you animal outside. This is a hospital.

Nice pig there, Doc.

Thank you.

Healthy pig, Dr. Stone.

Thank you very much. Appreciate it.

Nice pig, Doc.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you all very much.

Ben Stone! Say, I think I just took away

your last reason to go to California.

Morrsiville Drum and Bugle Corps!

They played the last four years

at the Rose Parade.

I got 'em under exclusive contract

to the Grady Squash Festival.

Nick, Nick, Nick?

I'm no... I'm no... I'm not staying.

Sure you aren't.

Oh, by the way, dinner at my house

tomorrow night, six o'clock.

Dinner?

Yeah Didnt I tell you? You're guest of honor

Shoot the monkey! If my head wasn't

attached, I'd need wood screws to 'em.

Nice pig, Doc.

Thanks. Can I bring a date?

Well, I don't know. Can you?

This is Ben Stone you're talking to.

Come on pig!

Fine pig, Doc.

Melvin?

Oh, hey Doc.

We're just rehearsing for the pageant.

We doing a pollination rap song.

Uh, Melvin, listen. Uh, I uh, don't have the

money for the oil ge pumkin, hausen thing.

I mean, when I say I haven't got the money,

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