Dogma Page #10

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Be fair. Humans are dumb, but not that dumb.

(off couple)

So is it adultery or not?

LOKI:

(thinks; to couple)

Excuse me.

The Couple stops kissing. The MAN looks at Loki.

LOKI:

Are you married?

MAN:

(puzzled)

Why?

LOKI:

Just curious.

MAN:

(holds up ring finger)

What do you think?

The Man shakes his head and goes back to kissing. Bartleby offers Loki a

"Satisfled?' expression. Loki taps the Man on the shoulder.

MAN:

(breaks kiss; pissed)

What?!

LOKI:

To her?

MAN:

What?

LOKI:

Are you married to her?

MAN:

Not that it's any of your f***ing business, but no! Why?!

Loki looks at Bartleby. Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki calmly shoots the man

in the head. Screaming ensues.

EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT

The bus skids to a halt. People flock off in a panic. scattering. After a

beat, Bartleby and Loki deboard and stand there alone.

BARTLEBY:

You're such an a**hole.

LOKI:

Don't blame me, man. Blame the Commodores.

BARTLEBY:

Troubadors.

EXT ROADSIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAWN

Silent Bob still tools around under the hood, Jay hands him various

wrenches. Bethany steams off to the side.

JAY:

(to Silent Bob)

She's pissed, dude. She'll never f*** us now. Well,

maybe you, but definitely not me.

(beat)

Let me know how she is.

BETHANY:

(turns on him)

Nobody is f***ing me! You got that?!

JAY:

At least not in this car.

BETHANY:

(sighs)

I'm sorry I dragged you to that diner. I don't know what I was thinking.

But being that I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, this is where

you two get off.

JAY:

You're breaking up with us?

BETHANY:

Good luck with finding Molly Ringwald, or whoever it is vou're looking for.

Sorry for the inconvenience. Good bye.

Bethany starts walking away. Jay stares at her, shocked.

JAY:

(to Bethany)

Who the hell do you think you are, lady? You can't go around breaking

people's hearts like that! We fell in love with you! Guys like us don't

just fall out of the sky, you know!

On cue, a naked black MAN falls from the sky. landing between the two

parties. Bethany and Jay stare at him. The Man is face down, sooty, and

ashen - as if he's just been in a fire. Bethany drops to her knees and

rolls him over, feeling for a pulse. Jay looks down, then looks skyward as

Silent Bob joins him.

JAY:

(yelling up)

A beautiful, naked woman doesn't just fall from the sky, you know?!

(beat; to Silent Bob)

Was worth a try.

Silent Bob nods. Bethany presses her ear to the man's chest.

BETHANY:

No heartbeat.

JAY:

Do you think he fell from a plane? Like 'Alive'? Did you ever see that

flick?

BETHANY:

(starts CPR'ing him)

I think there would have been more of a mess if he fell from that high.

MAN:

Not necessarily.

Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob leap back. The man sits up and rubs his face.

JAY:

KILL IT!! KILL IT!!

MAN:

That sounds familiar.

BETHANY:

Jesus, are you okay?

MAN:

Rufus. And yes, I'm fine.

JAY:

He's the f***in' undead!! Cut his head off!!

RUFUS:

(getting up with Bethany's help)

What happened to your car? You clock ninety in first gear or something?

JAY:

Mind your own f***ing business!

RUFUS:

(to Jay)

Listen, goldie-locks, what I just did was not easy and it ga\e me a f***ing

migraine. Now if you don't pipe down, I'm going to rip your balls off.

JAY:

(hiding behind Silent Bob)

I knew it! Mother f***er wants to eat my brain!

BETHANY:

I think he was aiming a bit further south.

(to Rufus)

Speaking of which, you're awfully nude - Rufus, is it?

RUFUS:

Rufus it is, Miss.

(to Silent Bob)

Hey, tubby... how's about lending a brother your coat 'till I can find my

own threads?

Jay looks at Silent Bob.

JAY:

Dude, he fell out of thin air!

Silent Bob shrugs and passes his coat to Rufus. Jay bugs.

JAY:

Dude, his dick is gonna be rubbing all over the inside of your armor!

RUFUS:

(to Silent Bob)

I'll do my best to tuck it back, brother.

Silent Bob nods. Something OC catches his eye. He stares OC and exits.

BETHANY:

Where exactly did you fall from?

RUFUS:

Some might say grace.

JAY:

(to Silent Bob)

Dude, he's talking about your mom.

Jay turns to see that Silent Bob isn't there.

Silent Bob peers at a large bush at the road side. The bush rustles

slightly.

OC BETHANY:

You know, normally I'd have a hard time with this, but somehow you falling

out of the sky seems to go hand in glove with some of the other stuff I've

been deaiing with.

OC RUFUS:

Believe me - you ain't seen nothing yet.

Silent Bob peers closer at the bush. Suddenly - a Stygian Triplet leaps out

at him, pinning him to the ground with his hockey stick.

The other two Triplets leap on top of Jay and BETHANY

Rufus grabs the one off Bethany and hurls him to the side.

Jay manages to reach into his jacket and pull out a copy of Penthouse. He

rolls it up and starts beating the kid in the head with it.

Silent Bob gets his hands under the stick that pins him and pushes it up

hard, into the Triplet's forhead, knocking him off. He rushes to Jay's side

and plies the other Triplet from his throat, hurling him OC.

The Triplet Silent Bob fought 'punctures' the air with his stick and rips

downward, creating a 'hole'. He grabs his friend and leaps into it,

disappearing.

Jay and Silent Bob look at eachother, blink, and embrace passionately.

The Triplet that Rufus threw rushes Rufus from behind - hockey stick in

lancing position. Without looking back, Rufus reaches behind himself,

grabbing the stick and swinging it (and the Triplet) over his head in an

arch, letting go. The last Triplet goes sailing through the 'hole', and it

seals shut.

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