Dogma Page #9

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(horrified)

Holy sh*t - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come out

of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak!

(to Silent Bob, getting up)

Let's go...

BETHANY:

(grabbing his sleeve)

No. wait...

JAY:

(pulling back)

I'll scream rape.

BETHANY:

I can pay you.

JAY:

(quickly sitting back down)

Pay?

BETHANY:

For being my guide. You were going to leave anyway; all I'm asking is to

tag along and see where it leads. I'll pay a hundred bucks and all

expenses.

JAY:

(thinks; to Silent Bob)

I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and

we're in that f***ed up bar.

(to Bethany)

What about sex?

BETHANY:

No sex.

JAY:

Alright, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like

five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off - would you

f*** us then?

BETHANY:

In that highly unlikely situation?

(beat)

Yeah, sure.

JAY:

Yeah? You slut. Noonch.

(to Silent Bob)

What do you think?

Silent Bob shrugs. Jay stands up.

JAY:

Alright. But I'll drive.

EXT MAIN HIGHWAY - NIGHT

Bethany's car roars overhead, speeding down the road, reving awfully

loudly.

INT BETHANY'S CAR - NIGHT

The speedometer reads ninety five.

Jay drives, eyes glued to the road. happy as hell. Silent Bob smokes to his

right. Bethany sits pinned against the back seat, wearing an uncomfortable

and dubious look. She struggles to lean forward. The engine still races.

BETHANY:

(yelling over engine noise)

What gear are you in?

JAY:

(not looking back)

Gear?

EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT

Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany sit on and against the car. The hood is open

and smoke billows out.

JAY:

(defensively)

Well what do I know from shifting?! Like I ever drove before!

Silent Bob shrugs and smokes. Bethany walks away, shaking her head.

JAY:

Chicks.

Silent Bob nods and extracts a tool from his jacket. He begins working on

the engine as a cross~ountry bus races by.

INT BUS - NIGHT

Bartleby and Loki sit in the back. Bartleby reads a map and Loki stares at

the gun in his lap. A COUPLE makes out in the seat in front of them.

BARTLEBY:

We have to pass through three more states to get to New Jersey: Indianna,

Ohio, and Pennsylvania.

LOKI:

With a very important stop in Cleveland.

BARTLEBY:

Oh right. The Angel of Death Returns. Sounds like a bad movie.

LOKI:

Movies are bullshit. And don't start with me, airight. The last time you

bugged me about my job, you got us sentenced to life in Wisconsin.

(looks out window)

All this time we've been down here, why didn't we ever leave the Cheese?

BARTLEBY:

He said to stay where he put us. We feared worse punishment if we disobeyed

Him again.

LOKI:

Where were we afraid He'd send us?

BARTLEBY:

New Jersey.

LOKI:

Now that, my friend. is irony.

BARTLEBY:

(beat)

You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter. How can you even be sure

of what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. Remember when

eating meat on Friday was supposed to be a Hellworthy tresspass? Or when

people weren't even supposed to shop on Sundays?

LOKI:

That stuff was small potatoes. The major sins never change. And believe me

- I can spot a commandment breaker a mile away.

BARTLEBY:

Sure.

LOKI:

You don't believe me?

(looks around; eyes fall on kissing couple)

There. There's one.

BARTLEBY:

(off couple)

So what? They're kissing.

LOKI:

Adultery.

BARTLEBY:

That's a stretch. How do you know they're not dating?

LOKI:

You'd know better than me - let's hear it.

BARTLEBY:

Oh, I know the truth. But let's see how boned up on the job you really are.

LOKI:

A test?

BARTLEBY:

Of sorts. So what's your proof?

LOKI:

He's wearing a wedding band.

BARTLEBY:

So? Maybe that's his wife.

LOKI:

No married man kisses his wife like that. You get married and the passion

dies, man. Don't you ever watch talk shows?

BARTLEBY:

What are you talking about?

LOKI:

A guy makes his best plays when wooing. When the object of his desire is

won, there's no need to expend the effort anymore. He relaxes, satisfied

with the spoils of victory, which he then decides isn't so victorious

because he's saddled with a life-mate.

BARTLEBY:

Very romantic sentiment.

LOKI:

That's the problem - romance. You think about it :back in the old days,

nobody got married out of quote, unquote, love. People married for

property', dowries, or to procreate - to immortalize oneself through

offspring. When did all this love stuff start? What the hell happened to

the status quo?

BARTLEBY:

The Troubadors.

LOKI:

Lionel Richie's old group?

BARTLEBY:

No, that's the Commodores. The Troubadors were wandering minstrels and

dramatists that sang melodramatic and sappy songs of undying love.

LOKI:

Sounds like the Commodores.

BARTLEBY:

The Troubadors made 'love' fashionable. And their influence altered the

balance in a significant fashion. Until them, people got married because

they had to. After them, people started 'falling in love'. Romantic

courtships became the norm. What started out as simple entertainment made

such a dramatic impact as to forever alter the way society operates.

LOKI:

That's human beings for you - easily misled. From the Garden of Eden to the

'Thigh Master' - thev believe what they're told. I'm telling you - one day

they're all going to watch one too many John Hughes flicks and start

looking for Shermer, Illinois.

BARTLEBY:

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