Dogma Page #8

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BARTLEBY:

Then don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste like Sodom and Gommorah.

Now that was something.

LOKI:

Oh yeah, for you maybe. You got to stand there and read. I had to do all

the work.

BARTLEBY:

What work? You lit a few fires.

LOKI:

I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.

BARTLEBY:

Sure.

LOKI:

Are you kidding me? Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire.

Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the

most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.

(to Salesman)

I'll take this one.

SALESMAN:

Five seventy five to walk with it right now.

Loki starts sifting through his wallet.

BARTLEBY:

Soccer?

INT DINER - NIGHT

An English muffin is covered with a knife-full of jam. Bethany raises the

bread to her mouth and takes a bite. She glances at the OC pair and stops

chewing.

Jay and Silent Bob study her intently. Jay smiles widely, anticipatory, and

nods.

All three sit at a small table near a window. Bethany puts the English

muffin down and brushes off her hands. Jay's feet are moving a mile a

minute.

BETHANY:

Are you both from around here?

JAY:

I'm hard as hell.

BETHANY:

Do you live in the city?

JAY:

Do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you going to do us both? If so,

I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.

BETHANY:

You're a man of principle. Where do you come from?

JAY:

We used to live in a small town in Jersey. Real small town. We practically

knew everybody.

BETHANY:

What brought you to McHenry?

JAY:

Hollywood.

BETHANY:

(beat)

Hollywood?

JAY:

Oh yeah. See, we used to sell smoke in front of this video store. And one

day this f*** wants to rent a video. So we did, only we didn't have

anyplace to watch it. So we went to the mall and popped it into a VCR at

Macy's and sat on the floor and watched it. It was called 'Sixteen

Candles'. Did you ever see it?

BETHANY:

Yes.

JAY:

So the next day we rented 'The Breakfast Club', and then 'Weird Science'

where these two fucks have a chick that'll do anything for them and they

don't do nothing because it's a PG movie. But then we got thrown out of

Macy's when we watched 'Pretty in Pink', because of this b*tch.

(points to Silent Bob)

BETHANY:

(to Silent Bob)

What'd you do?

JAY:

You know how at the end the red-headed b*tch gets together with her dream

guy at the prom?

(Bethany nods)

Well p*ssy here starts f***in' sobbing all sorts of loud and sh*t. And the

manager's like "Get the hell out of here!" And I'm like "F*** you, you bald

cocksucker! I'll kick your lard..

BETHANY:

(speeding him along)

So what exactly brought you to Illinois?

JAY:

Oh yeah. See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in

Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick

all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson

- he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says

to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in

Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a

bus. But when we got here,

you know what we found Out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of

sh*t is that?! F***ing movies are bullshit!

BETHANY:

And now you live here?

JAY:

F*** that. This berg sucks. Everyone talks with a stupid accent so you

don't know what they're saying, and it's too f***in' cold. We were talking

about taking off. Until we met you, that is.

(kisses her hand)

BETHANY:

(retracts her hand)

Right. So how much longer are you staying here?

JAY:

Until you're ready to skip out and make with the sex.

BETHANY:

No. How long are you staying in McHenry?

JAY:

We're leaving tomorrow.

BETHANY:

Where are you going next?

JAY:

(to Silent Bob)

Jesus - this broad asks alot of questions.

(to Bethany)

Back to Jersey. We've been going straight for like five

years now. It's about time for us to retire or something. Enjoy our salad

years. No more adventures.

BETHANY:

I see.

(sips her coffee)

JAY:

Yeah. So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in

the ass?

BETHANY:

I didn't ask you out for sex.

JAY:

I'll take head.

BETHANY:

I don't know why, but...

(composes herself)

...I want to go with you.

JAY:

What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?

(shrugs to Silent Bob)

Alright, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.

BETHANY:

No, I want to go with you to New Jersey.

JAY:

Really? You're the only chick I ever met that wanted to go to Jersey. Most

chicks try to get out.

BETHANY:

When can we leave?

JAY:

Wait a second! What is this sh*t? Are we going f*** or not?

BETHANY:

You're going to lead me somewhere.

JAY:

Me lead you? Lady, I don't even know where I am half the time. If we're not

going to f*** then what the hell did you ask me out for?

BETHANY:

Someone told me I'd meet you, and you'd take me somewhere I was supposed to

go. I didn't believe it until you said that thing in the parking lot.

JAY:

What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from

some angry f***ing dwarfs and you promised us se~..

(to Silent Bob)

Didn't this crazy b*tch promise us sex?

(to Bethany)

...and now you're telling me that I'm supposed to take you somewhere, and

you don't even know where it is?

BETHANY:

(beat)

Do you believe in God?

JAY:

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