Dogma Page #7

---

Bethany throws her bag on her car roof and rumages through her purse for

her keys. She hears something and stops. Roller blades can be heard moving

slowly across the asphalt of the parking lot. Bethany turns quickly.

Nobody's there. She looks around, a bit peturbed.

BETHANY:

(calling into the darkness)

God, what time do you people quit and go home?! Let's just save it for

tomorrow, alright?

There's no response. Then there's the noise of wood being tapped against

the ground. Bethany peers into the darkness, looking for the source.

Suddenly, a skater whips past her, slamming his stick into the back of her

knee. Bethany goes down. Another skater whips in and slashes at her, but

she ducks. The stick hits the car door above her. She rifles through her

purse madly until another skater whips by, dragging her purse away with his

stick. Bethany looks up.

The Stygian Triplets are lined up menacingly, a few feet from her. They tap

their hockey sticks in unison on the ground. Bethany jumps up and faces

them defensively. The Triplets emit an unholy shriek and charge at her.

And from out of nowhere, a large figure swoops down from above, landing on

the ground between Bethany and her menacers. The Triplets stop short and

regard the figure curiously. The large figure whips into a defensive

stance, Batman-style.

The Stygian Triplets look to one another. They shrug and charge anew.

From behind the rock-still large figure, a smaller figure leaps into the

streetlight, shrieking, flying through the air, busting into a flying kick.

He lands before the middle Triplet and open-palm punches him twice in the

face, grabbing his stick from the falling child's hand and tossing it into

the air behind him.

The stick sails through the night air and is snatched by the grip of the

large figure, who twirls it under his arm, and then back Out like a sai. He

swings it out before him, knocking the other two Triplets off balance. The

smaller figure back flips into the larger figure's arms and kicks his feet

into the faces of the two wobbling Triplets. They go down, and the smaller

figure leaps forward with a shriek, landing between the fallen pair, elbows

into their backs.

The flrst struck Triplet leaps out of the darkness at the large figure,

screaming something unholy. The large figure catches the kid by the throat

and quickly

head butts him, tossing him to the side. The large figure sways for a beat

and then shakes it off.

The small figure collects the hockey sticks and throws them into the

distance. He kicks at the falien Triplets as they scurry away.

SMALL FIGURE:

(calling after them)

GO BACK TO YOUR PAPER ROUTES, YOU PUNK FUCKS!

(more to himself)

Snoogans.

The large figure saddles up beside the small figure. They look at one

another and shake hands.

SMALL FIGURE:

Dude, I know they were just kids, but we kicked their f***ing asses!

Bethany stares, mystified. She grabs her purse from the ground.

BETHANY:

Where... where did you learn to do... that stuff?!

SMALL FIGURE:

From this comic book some guys made about us. Long story.

BETHANY:

(beat)

I don't know what to say... or think.

The figures turn into the light, revealing the faces of the heroes for the

first time - two very familiar faces.

SMALL FIGURE:

Say you'll offer us sex as a reward.

BETHANY:

Who are you?

The large figure lights up a smoke. The small one extends his hand.

SMALL FIGURE:

Jay. And this is my business associate, Silent Bob.

BIETHANY:

Well thank you for being out here so late... Come to think of it, what are

you doing out here so late?

(freezes)

Wait a second are you protestors?

JAY:

What's a protestor?

BETHANY:

You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's?

JAY:

You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Sh*t no.

Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice:a woman 5 body is her own f***ing

business.

BETHANY:

Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging

around?

JAY:

We're here to pick up chicks.

BETHANY:

(a bit stunned)

Excuse me?

JAY:

We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else

would they be there unless they like to f***.

BETHANY:

(taken aback)

Oh. Right. Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue... I think.

JAY:

(shocked)

Wait, wait, wait - we just saved your ass, and you're just going to take

off? What the sh*t is that?

BETHANY:

I had a weird night last night, and now tonight's not shaping up to be any

better. I think I should go home, take some percosets, and lay down.

(opens her car door)

JAY:

(to Silent Bob)

How about that sh*t? F*** this town, man - I'm going back to Jersey and

selling weed~

(they start walking)

At least there I can get turned down while trying to make myself a profit.

Bethany freezes. Metatron's words echo in her ear. She shakes her head.

BETHANY:

(to herself)

You've gotta be kidding me.

(thinks for a beat; then) Hey! Wait!

She runs up to them. They whip around and raise their fists defensively.

BETHANY:

Sorry.

(beat)

Would you... I can't believe I'm doing this...

(inhales deeply)

Would you... like to have a drink with me?

Jay's face lights up. He punches Silent Bob in the arm.

JAY:

See?! I told you if we hung around outside that place we'd get laid! Thank

you!

(looking skyward)

Thank you, God!

INT SEEDY GUN SHOP - NIGHT

Various guns are laid out atop a glass case.

OC SALESMAN:

Now this piece is nice. It's not lightweight, but one look at it and nobody

- I mean nobody - is going to f*** with you. Try it on.

Loki picks up the gun. Bartleby and the SALESMAN look at him.

LOKI:

It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, I'll say that much.

BARTLEBY:

It's the weapon of choice these days.

LOKI:

It seems unimpressive. At least the sword looked intimidating. How can I

strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this?

SALESMAN:

Oh, I get it. You want to become a vigilante, right? Like Batman or

something.

LOKI:

Batman never uses guns.

(off gun)

I don't know. It feels impersonal.

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote