Dogma Page #12

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JAY:

(to Silent Bob)

I can't wait to die.

BETHANY:

And why are you watching me?

RUFUS:

Because you're the one who's going to help me get some changes made in that

book you all hold so much stock in.

JAY:

Hustler?

RUFUS:

The Bible.

BETHANY:

What's your beef with the Bible?

RUFUS:

I'm not in it.

JAY:

Neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching.

RUFUS:

But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the Thirteenth Apostle.

BETHANY:

I've been going to church my entire life and I've never heard of a

thirteenth apostle named Rufus.

RUFUS:

See? You know all about the other twelve Apostles -white boys, I might add.

But no mention of Rufus. And why? Cause I'm a black man. But that's just my

pet peeve. I mainly want to correct a major error that you people are

basing a faith on.

BETHANY:

What's that?

RUFUS:

Jesus wasn't white; He was black.

Rufus bites into his sandwhich. Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob look at him and

then each other.

JAY:

Bullshit. I've seen pictures of Jesus, and He has blonde hair and blue

eyes.

RUFUS:

(wiping hands)

That's what's particularly insulting. Between the time when He established

the faith and the church started to officially organize, the powers-that-be

decided that while the message of Christ was integral, the fact that He was

black was a detriment. So all renderings were ordered to be Eurocentric,

even though the brother was blacker than Jesse.

BETHANY:

If that's true, then why'd He get written about while you were left out?

RUFUS:

Well He is the Son of God, right? It's kind of hard to have the New

Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts and put a spin on His

ethnicity. Leaving me out's okay because there's still Twelve apostles to

choose from.

JAY:

I don't buy it.

RUFUS:

That's what the good people of Antioch were saying when they stoned my ass.

BETHANY:

You were martyred?

RUFUS:

That's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to

sh*t by big rocks. See - Christ told us Apostles to go out into the world

and spread His word. Antioch was already garnering a big Christian

following, so I got sent there. And was a big hit. They loved hearing about

Jesus' message, and how He was the Redeemer. But when I mentioned He was

black, the whole town turned on me - called me a liar and sh*t. I pressed

the point, and before I know it, I'm wearing stones - although not to

accessonze.

BETH ANY:

Why didn't you just let the point go when you saw how they were reacting?

RUFUS:

Because it's part of the facts. White folks only want to hear the good

sh*t:
life eternal, a place in God's kingdom. As soon as they hear they're

getting all this from a black Jesus, they freak. And that - my friends - is

called Hypocrisy. Folks just can't accept a black Savior.

(to Silent Bob)

You going to eat that hash brown?

BETHANY:

So you went to Heaven?

RUFUS:

Sh*t yeah; it was the least the brother could do. I gave up my sheep and

followed His ass around Jerusalem for three years. And in all that time,

did I ever get laid? Hell no! But I didn't b*tch, because I was into His

message. And while the message is what counts, folks should know that He

was black. That's why I'm going to help you find stop those angels from

getting to that church in exchange for you helping me with my campaign.

BETHANY:

How do you know about that?

RUFUS:

Heaven's a pretty boring place, and anything that breaks the tedium is

news. The unmaking of existence is what you might consider a great

tediumbreaker. Besides, there isn't much I don't know about you.

BETHANY:

I find that hard to believe.

RUFUS:

When you were five you let a kid from next door piss on your hand.

JAY:

(shocked)

You did that?

BETHANY:

Yeah... but I never told anyone about it.

RUFUS:

Neither did he. He died of Leukemia two years later. His name was...

BETHANY:

...BryanJohnson.

RUFUS:

Your exploits - no matter how inane - are well-known in Heaven. Probably in

Hell, too.

Bethany rubs her temples and exits OC. Rufus watches her go.

JAY:

(intrigued)

Tell me something about me.

RUFUS:

(preoccupied with the OC Bethany)

You masturbate more than anybody else on the planet.

JAY:

Sh*t, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

RUFUS:

You think about guys when you do it.

Rufus gets up and exits. Silent Bob looks at Jay, shocked.

JAY:

Not all the time!

Bethany sits on a swing in the kiddie-jungle gym, shaking her head. Rufus

joins her.

RUFUS:

I'm sorty if I spooked you.

BETHANY:

I just feel... violated. Like my life isn't mine exclusively.

RUFUS:

That's the way it goes with celebrities.

BETHANY:

What are you talking about? I'm a nobody. I'm just a quiet girl from the

suburbs who counsels pregnant teens.

RUFUS:

You sound like Christ. He had the same reaction when He found out who He

was, minus the quiet girl from the 'burbs angle. And like Him, I'm sure

you'll come to terms and do what you're supposed to.

BETHANY:

Why not get the pope or someone holy like that?

RUFUS:

Just because a guy wears a funny hat, doesn't make him the right man for

the job. Only certain hands can deliver the world from the brink of

destruction. last time it was Jesus - this time it's you.

BETHANY:

Why me?

RUFUS:

Can't say yet. But the question is - are your hands capable enough to carry

the burden. It all rides on you.

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