Dogma Page #17

---

You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for

your ideas.

SERENDIPITY:

And sick of watching incapable people take brilliant inspiration and turn

out real trash.

(to Bethany)

So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself. I gave my two weeks

notice. got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to make my

fortune.

BETHANY:

So what happened?

SERENDIPITY:

Writer's block.

RUFUS:

Writer's block?

SERENDIPITY:

Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of the

typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. 1 can't even write a

grocery list.

BETHANY:

What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.

SERENDIPITY:

That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second,

but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.

BETHANY:

Whose?

SERENDIPITY:

God's.

BETHANY:

You're saying God's a woman.

SERENDIPITY:

Was there ever a doubt in your mind?

BETHANY:

The possibility never presented itself. He's always referred to as a Him.

SERENDIPITY:

I didn't write it that way My job stops at the idea stage. The person that

holds the pen adds their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men.

One of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the

editorial process.

RUFUS:

Another one's that you can't jerk off.

SERENDIPITY:

(to Bethany)

See. these being male-dominated times, the Pharisees and High Priests felt

threatened by the idea of a woman lording over them and controlling their

fates. so they made sure that She became a He Doesn't stop with God - the

whole book is slanted and gender-biased: a woman's responsible for the

first sin, the fall of man, and the expulsion from Eden. a woman cuts

Sampson's coif of power, a woman asks for the head of John the Baptist.

Read that book again some time - women are painted as bigger antagonists

than the f***ing Egyptians and Romans combined.

BETHANY:

(stunned)

God is a woman...

SERENDIPITY:

I don't know what the big surprise is - women are the only gender that can

create life, just like God created the universe. Who else but a mother

could have the infinite patience with impudent children that God has with

humanity. A woman can give birth to and nurture both sexes, so

psychologists theorize that women are the only gender both sexes can feel

completely comfortable with; and the faithful - both male and female - feel

at ease with God. In time of trial, our first instinct is to implore the

aid of the Almighty, just as when you're a child, the only person who can

make it all better is...

BETHANY:

...mom. God, it makes sense.

RUFUS:

(to Serendipity)

Sh*t, you still have a knack for words.

SERENDIPITY:

Not really useful in my new line of work.

RUFUS:

What about that? Why'd you choose stripping?

SERENDIPITY:

In an effort to create something artistic that I could claim as my own.

See, I've been able to fool myself into thinking this isn't stripping, it's

dancing; and at least dancing is artistic. But She won't even give me that

much - the way God designed dance, it's the only creative act which results

in no tangible product. Unlike paintings, poems, movies or most other arts

forms. when the dance is over, there's nothing to show for it - nothing to

save and enjoy... or sell.

(takes a drink)

Believe me, the irony wasn't lost on this muse.

RUFUS:

How long are you going to keep this up?

SERENDIPITY:

Believe me, I think about eating crow and going back to the grind from time

to time. But I'd hate to give Her the satisfaction of my playing the

prodigal. And it sucks because I can't stand being flesh anymore -

especially this halfway crap. Not only do I have to take care of the

aesthetic - the showers, the haircutting, the pit-shaving - but I can't

take advantage of the benefits - like getting laid or using my period as an

excuse not to get laid...

(conspiratorily to Bethany)

...the only true boon to having a period, from what I understand.

RLFLS:

Well we could sure use your help. We need someone with good ideas. You

remember a couple of angels named Loki and Bartleby?

SERENDIPITY:

Sure - the angel of death and his squeamish pal with a conscience.

RUFUS:

They found a way back.

SERENDIPITY:

(shocked)

God no. Not the plenary indulgence loop hole?

BETHANY:

You know about that?

SERENDIPITY:

I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics to

destroy existence.

RUFUS:

Bethany's Catholic.

SERENDIPITY:

My condolences.

BETHANY:

What do you have against Catholics?

SERENDIPITY:

Ever been to a Catholic mass?

BETHANY:

Once or twice.

SERENDIPITY:

It's like bad sex - up, down, up, down, kneel, leave.

And the whole time you'd rather be watching t.v.

You people don't celebrate your faith - you mourn it.

BETHANY:

So if we're so wrong, then what's the right religion?

SERENDIPITY:

When are you people going to learn? It's not about right or wrong - it's a

question of faith. It doesn't matter what you believe in - just that you

believe.

Jay and Silent Bob join them, wearing bandannas.

JAY:

Look! They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang!

Suddenly, the doors behind them blast open, pouring light into the onc~im

room. A huge figure stands in the doorway, backlit and acting as a sepia

filter - the light and vapors surrounding him are brown.

FIGURE:

(deep, gutteral hiss)

Not born... sh*t into existence.

Our group stares at the OC brute. Jay sniffs the air.

JAY:

Who farted?

SERENDIPITY:

Sweet Christ, someone wants you bad.

BETHANY:

What do you mean? What's that smell?

RUFUS:

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote