Dogma Page #18

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Don't tell me that's who I think it is.

SERENDIPITh

The stench should say it all.

BETHANY:

Who the hell is it?!

SERENDIPITY:

An excremental - the Golgothan.

BETHANY:

A what?

RUFUS:

A sh*t-demon.

The Golgothan moves slowly from the door, toward the group.

NO-MAN

No... man. ..of...woman.. born...

The Gang join the others. They hold and cover their noses.

GANG LEADER:

(to Jay; loading his piece)

Friend of your's?

JAY:

(to group)

Is this smelly f*** with us?

RUFUS:

He's coming for Bethany.

JAY:

(to Gang Leader)

Smoke that mother f***er like it ain't no thang!

GANG LEADER:

I knew I'd get to wax someone today. Represent!

The Gang charges OC, guns blazing, while we hold on the group. Suddenly,

the room is filled with screams and wet, slurpy noises. The group goes from

staring wide-eyed, to shielding themselves. The noise stops and Jay and

Silent Bob look up.

The Gang lay about NoMan in trashed, dead positions. They are covered in

murky, creamy crap - their wide, white eyes frozen in horror. NoMan scoops

a finger-full of muck off the leader and eats it, smiling.

Our heroes start backing up slowly, as to not be noticed.

JAY:

(to Silent Bob)

I guess we're in charge of the gang now.

BETHANY:

What the f*** happened?!?

SERENDIPITY:

Go for the bar. We might have a few seconds - his short-term memory's for

sh*t.

JAY:

So's the rest of him.

RUFUS:

No chance of taking him down?

SERENDIPITY:

Gee. I don't know. Let's ask the gangstas.

RUFUS:

You're right; let's book.

They dash. NoMan snaps to attention and throws it's arm at them, launching

a huge glob of sh*t through the air.

JAY:

(running; seeing it coming)

SH*T!!!

Everyone leaps behind the bar. The sh*t flies over them and slams against

the mirror above. Immediately, it stretches - Blob-like - over the entire

frame, and burns in an acidic fashion.

Jay stares, horrified.

JAY:

Now that... is some powerful sh*t.

Serendipity pulls at the floor, yanking open a door.

SERENDIPITY:

Quick! Get in!

Bethany, Rufus, jay and Silent Bob leap into the darkness. Serendipity

follows, pulling the door shut on top of them.

INT BASEMENT:

Our heroes cower beneath the floor door.

JAY:

What is that thing?

SERENDIPITY:

You ever hear of Golgotha?

BETHANY:

Skull place. The hill where Christ was crucified.

SERENDIPITY:

(peering above)

Yeah, well it wasn't just Christ up there - the Romans crucified everybody

on that hill. Ahd Christ excluded, they were all criminals - killers,

brigands, thieves, rapists. And whenever the crucified expired, their

bodies would naturally lose muscle control, spilling bowel and bladder in

the process. And the result is that walking pile of crap up there: the

Golgothan Sh*t-Demon - Hell's chief assassin. And he's here for you,

girlie.

Silent Bob stares at a crack in the doors. A milky drop of sh*t drips

through it.

BETHANY:

What are we doing down here, then?. Any second now he'll be blasting

through that door!

SERENDIPITY:

Sh*t's brainless. If we can sit tight for a couple of minutes, he'll forget

what he came for.

Suddenly another drop falls. Then another. Then a steady stream. Silent Bob

taps Rufus and points. Rufus reacts.

RUFUS:

(indicating trickling sh*t)

Looks like it's been taking memory training courses...

SERENDIPITY:

(off trickle)

JUMP!!!

The five leap from their perch on the steps, just as the doors explode,

dumping a torrent of crap on the steps. The body of muck morphs into NoMan

anew. NoMan lumbers toward them. The group, attempting to gain their

bearings on the floor, crawls backwards. NoMan pulls a piece of himself

off, rolling it around in It's hands.

SERENDIPITY:

If anybody still remembers any prayers, I suggest you start whipping them

out.

Silent Bob stares wide-eyed up at the approaching demon. And then,

something occurs to him. He stops backing up and stands. The others

continue moving back.

BETHANY:

Bob, get down! Jay!

JAY:

(to Silent Bob)

You tubby retard! Get your ass back on the floor!

Silent Bob stands like a statue in the Golgothan's path. The demon snarls a

smile, moving ever closer. Silent Bob reaches into his coat and pulls a

small canister out. He points it at the beast. A mist shoots out into the

face of the Golgothan. It pauses, looking confused. The shitball in It's

hand drops to the floor, and then so does It.

Bethany, Rufus, Serendipity, and Jay climb to their feet and crowd around

Silent Bob. They look to the fallen, unconscious behemoeth, then to Silent

Bob.

BETHANY:

(off Bob's canister)

What was that?

Silent Bob holds the can out to them: it's a small, trial size can of Glade

Air Freshener. Jay looks at it, then at Silent Bob.

BETHANY:

(reading can)

'Knocks strong odors out.'

RUFUS:

Way to go. tubby.

BETHANY:

Why would you ever carrs this?

Jay farts. Silent Bob sprays the freshener at his ass. The others look at

jay.

JAY:

What?!

RUFUS:

(to Serendipity)

Who has dominion over this thing?

SERENDIPITY:

Only Lucifer can order a killing. But something doesn't make sense: this

thing never travels alone - with it's intelligence level, Lucifer'd never

allow it. It usually has some kind of backup.

RUFUS:

Can you get some answers?

SERENDIPITY:

I can give it a shot.

BETHANY:

What's going on?

RUFUS:

Serendipity's going to talk to that demon.

JAY:

Cool! Can we watch?

SERENDIPITY:

Not a good idea. Demon's can wreak havoc on the weak-minded.

JAY:

F*** you - weak-minded! Me and Silent Bob can talk to him in his own

language! See...?

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