Dogma Page #19

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(makes the universal metal sign)

he'd understand this.

SERENDIPITY:

(shakes her head; to Rufus)

Whoever sent this might send mor~. I suggest you take the princess and get

as far away as possible.

(to Bethany)

I'll do what I can to extract some info from sh*t-boy here. If there's

anything helpful. I'll get it to you somehow.

BETHANY:

(hugs her)

Thank you. And... you're a great dancer.

SERENDIPITY:

I'm a better juggler.

(to jay and Silent Bob)

You know you're supposed to be prophets. right? Start acting like prophets.

You should have seen that thing coming.

JAY:

(to Bethany)

Why the hell are we getting yelled at?!

SERENDIPITY:

Just watch out for Bethany. Go.

Bethany leads Jay and Silent Bob up the stairs.

JAY:

(to Silent Bob)

Man, b*tch thinks just 'cause she's good-looking, she can tell us what to

do.

BETHANY:

She told me that if you behave, she'll give you head.

JAY:

(excited)

Yeah?.

BETHANY:

Oh, a demon'd have a field day with you.

Serendipity and Rufus watch them disappear up the steps.

OC JAY:

(beat)

Shut up.

OC BETHANY:

You shut up.

SERENDIPITY:

(to Rufus)

Nice girl.

RUFUS:

Comes from good stock.

SERENDIPITY:

You haven't told her yet?

RUFUS:

Not the right time.

SERENDIPITY:

How uncanny is the resemblance? Those eves, the lips...

RUFUS:

The nails.

Serendipity looks at Rufus. He smiles. She hits him, laughing. He cracks

up.

SERENDIPITY:

Blasphemer.

Then, the OC Golgothan makes a groggy, grumbling noise.

SERENDIPITY:

Sh*t. You'd better go. I'll take care of the trash.

RUFUS:

(hugs her)

Good luck.

Rufus runs up the steps. Serendipity tunrs on the Golgothan.

SERENDIPITY:

Alright, Stinky - let's see what you know.

EXT CHURCH -DAY

A suited MAN stands at a podium, addressing a small thrall of reporters.

MAN:

And now, to speak on behalf of his Holiness' 'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign,

ladies and gentlemen of the press, I give you the driving force behind the

movement - Cardinal Glick.

The reporters clap as CARDINAL GLICK takes to the podium. He strikes one as

more of an agent than a man of the cloth as he removes his Wayfarers.

GLICK:

Thank you, Mister Flanagan - one of this parish's chief patrons, who

donated the stained-glass likeness of Our Lady of Gleeful Misery that

welcomes you as you enter the church every Sunday.

(off index cards)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - few would deny that the Catholic Church

has fallen behind somewhat in the times. Catholicism usually strikes the

average person as an old-fashioned remedy for the ills - both moral and

psychological - of a society that has since left it's stringent rules and

ornate rituals on the heap with 45's and eight track cassettes. And in an

effort to disprove that, the Church has appointed this year as a time of

renewal, both of faith and of style. So, it is with great pleasure, that I

present you and your parish - mere days away from it's centennial

celebration - and the continental United States, via Satellite with the

first of man revamps that the 'Catholicism -Wow!' campaign will unveil over

the next year.

(applause)

Now, what does this mean for the average church-goer? Are we going to throw

out the rule book and adopt a hippie mentality in regards to our faith? No.

We're simply talking about a few minor alterations to both the aesthetic

and theoretical aspects of a religion that boasts one of the highest

membership numbers on the planet.

A few applause ring out. Glick smiles.

GLICK:

Thank you, thank you. So what are we talking about here. Well, for

example...

(pulls out crucifix)

while it has been a time-honored and traditional symboL of our faith, we

have decided to retire the highly recognizable, yet wholely depressing

symbol of our Lord, Jesus Christ, crucified. Why? Well, look at it. Would

you relish being a member of a group that uses a man nailed to two pieces

of wood as it's masthead? Of course not - who would? I've got enough

downers in my daily routine without having to deal with this visual

everytime I go to worship. lnstead, the church is going to adopt this new,

more soothing and inspiring sigil, which we feel is in-line with our new

outlook.

Glick pulls a cover off an object to his right - a two foot figure of

Christ smiling and giving the 'thumbs up'. The crowd buzzes.

GLICK:

See? Isn't this better? How could you not feel just great walking into a

church and seeing this behind the priest - a positive reinforcement that

whatever we do, God thinks is 'a~kay'. I love this thing, it's so...

REPORTER I:

(interupting)

Cardinal Glick - has the church given any thought to it's position on john

Doe Jersey? Will he be given the right to die with dignity?

Another buzz rises from the crowd. Glick rolls his eyes.

GLICK:

C'mon people. We're not here to talk about that. It's an issue we stand

firm on - euthanasia is a big no-no, just like abortion. Murder's murder.

Why won't you people accept that? Besides, we're here to talk about this

little guy - your friend and mine... the happy Jesus. Can't you just see it

on chains around people's necks, and as the new background in avant garde,

MTV videos?

INT BUS TERNIINAL - DAY

The image of the 'Happy jesus' - thumbs up and all - is captured on a t.v.

monitor, a label reading U\'E VIA SATELLITE - RED BANK. NEW JERSEY' at the

bottom of the screen. Bartleby and Loki look up at it, then at one another.

LOKI:

And you say Siskel and Ebert have no influence over this culture.

BARTLEBY:

We're getting out of here at just the right time. These people are nuts.

LOKI:

(off t.v.)

And that's the church we're heading to?

BARTLEBY:

(steps to ticket window)

If you want to go home...

(to WOMAN in window)

Two tickets to New Jersey, please.

WOMAN:

Jersey's sold out, sir.

BARTLEBY:

Are you sure?

WOMAN:

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