Don Verdean Page #3

standing right here before us,

I think it's very plausible that.

Lot's wife was a hermaphrodite.

I'm sure it was quite

common in those days.

Limited gene pool,

incest, and what have you.

That would probably explain why Lot's wife

was so dead-set upon returning

to the Forbidden City.

DON:
Bingo.

My only fear is the, uh,

milk drinkers of my congregation.

Is this meat going to be

too much for them to swallow?

- ( HEBREW ON CAR RADIO )

- ( CELL PHONE RINGING )

- BOAZ:
Hello?

- Boaz, what in the hell did you send me?!

What do you mean

what did we send you?

We sent you Lot's wife. The

one with the two breasts.

Well, she also came

with a veritable fruit salad in her pants!

Now, come on, Boaz!

I just can't tolerate this

type of sloppy archaeology.

Let me ask you this,

which one of you screwed

up my pillar of salt?!

Don, Don, this is the real

Lot's wife. I promise you.

She was smuggled straight

out of the Holy Land.

I know it's different from

the picture we sent you,

but this one matches the

description in the "Bibla."

- What did you say?

- You have to believe me

that this is really her, Don.

This is Lot's wife.

I'm telling you, Don.

I'd bet my life on it.

Now stop calling me about this.

( ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING )

Don't turn back

When your husband tells you not to

It's not a woman's lot in life

To give a single thought to

What her husband commands

Is what she ought to do

And don't turn

To a pillar of salt

Pillar of salt

It's all her fault

She should have listened

When her husband shouted "halt"

Instead of Sodom and Gomorrah

She should have just stayed home

And read the Torah

Now she's a pillar

Of salt.

( APPLAUSE )

( SMOOCHES ) Wonderful.

( MAN COUGHING )

Wasn't that beautiful?

Beautiful voice, beautiful message.

Brothers and sisters, I am humbled

by what I am going to share with you.

Just a few weeks ago,

an incredible discovery

was found in Israel.

World renowned

archaeologist Don Verdean

and his team of experts

have uncovered what many scholars believe

to be the remains of Lot's wife,

as found in Genesis 19, verse 26.

"His wife looked

back from behind him

and she became a pillar of salt."

Just when the world thought that

the windows of heaven were closed,

the Lord has granted us a miracle.

And an answer

to life's greatest mystery.

Who was this woman, and

why was she so dead-set

about returning to that hellhole?

Without further ado,

I present to you the

first of what I hope to be

many archaeological discoveries

to prove that the Bible

is true.

( MAN COUGHING )

( MURMURING )

( ORGAN PLAYING HANDEL'S "MESSIAH" )

MAN:
Hallelujah.

MAN #2:
Praise the Lord.

Whoo!

Blessed be.

( CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUES )

( EXHALES SHARPLY, CLEARS THROAT )

Whoo.

( MURMURING )

DON:
Thank you. Praise God.

Congratulations, Tony.

Impressive turnout today.

Looks like your ministry

is almost relevant again.

( SCOFFS ) Don, this is Dennis Fontaine.

He's from the Friendship Harvest Temple.

- Ah, good to meet ya.

- TONY:
You know, a funny little piece of trivia

- about Mr. Fontaine, he used to be a Satanist.

- Is that right?

Oh, yeah. He was a high priest.

Participated in the orgies, the whole deal.

Then one day he woke up and decided

he was playin' for the wrong team.

Decided to become a Christian.

Quite a discovery you've made here.

Where exactly was it located?

In the Valley of Sittim,

Southern tip of the Dead Sea.

Ah, I'm sure it was.

My colleague Dr. Stanley here

teaches life sciences

at Sioux Valley Vo-Tech.

He was wondering if he could

take a sample back to his lab

for carbon dating purposes?

What makes you think you can carbon

date the wrath of the Almighty?

Besides, anyone with a brain

knows that carbon dating

is completely ineffective when

dealing with mineralized fossil.

The isotopes are rendered useless.

Why don't you leave the science

to the scientists, Mr. Verdean?

Why don't you leave the things

of God in the hands of his people?

Just thought you boys might like some

forensic data to back up your claims.

But I totally understand if

you're skittish about the results.

I think you might be better off

gettin' some of your own lab work done,

make sure your blood ain't loaded

with V.D. from your Satanic orgy days.

Hey, you better watch yourself.

You better watch yourself.

Fontaine, get ahold of.

"Planet of the Apes" here.

You put this jackrabbit in a

corner, he's gonna find a way out.

Look, you can avoid the facts all you want,

but sooner or later

people will want the truth.

Get ready for it.

Fontaine!

I know you'd like to take a

sample back to your machine,

but you can find out what it's made of

right now with a good,

old-fashioned lick test.

( HISSES )

( CROWD MURMURING )

What in the world was that?

I believe that was some

sort of demonic hiss.

Yo, Don, I'm not so sure that

was a wise move to challenge him.

CAROL:
I don't think

you could have asked

for a better reaction today.

The look on everyone's

faces should be bottled up

and sold as an anti-depressant.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that Joylinda's a real surprise.

She and Tony are perfect for each other.

It's a shame they can't have any kids.

You know, doctor's

say a woman her age...

she should have plenty of fresh eggs.

What in the world are you jabberin' about?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Seems like that pastor may

have shaken you up a bit.

I've had to deal with vipers

like him my whole life.

Nothin' but bottom-dwellers

tryin' to destroy the work.

Oh, I know, but you just gotta

let it just roll right off you.

Well, now, Carol, you need to learn

your place in this partnership.

And right now I need

you to stay quiet

when I think things through.

- ( DON SIGHS )

- ( EXHALES SHARPLY )

You know, in the eight

months that you've known me,

you've never asked me one

thing about my personal life.

I-I-I assumed it was a

professional courtesy,

but now I realize you think of

me as a mindless subordinate.

Now, Carol, that's not true.

I just never thought

you had a personal life.

Well, if you cared to ask...

you'd learn that I have a son in prison.

Carol, I-I-I had no

idea you had a son.

( UNZIPS BAG )

He was my youthful indiscretion.

Sometimes I feel like that French

whore from "Les Misrables."

( SNIFFLES )

I'm sorry to hear that.

How'd your son end up in prison?

( VOICE BREAKING ) Well, he

said he was starting to become

a Forest Ranger, but he was

actually growing cannabis

in Zion National Park.

( WHISPERS ) Three tons of it.

Good Lord be, that's some serious weed.

Yeah.

Now he's servin' a 12-year sentence.

It's a heavy burden

for a single mother.

All I've ever wished for that

boy is to have a father figure.

( CRYING ) He just needed a dad.

I can't believe you've

shouldered this all by yourself.

My life's just been a train wreck.

( SOBBING )

But ever since I started workin' for you,

I feel like it's slowly

gettin' back on the right track.

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