Don Verdean Page #4

Carol, I want you to know

that I'm here for you.

I'm glad you shared that with me.

I-I know it can't be easy bein' the mother

of a dope slinger, but know that God

can heal even the worst of sinners.

He doesn't want anything

to do with that right now.

Well, he'll come 'round.

We'll get that boy saved

if it's the last thing we do.

Now have a bite of your bacon.

( LAUGHING )

Gotta have your protein.

Praise God.

( LAUGHS )

( BELL TOLLING )

Donald, I'm gonna go ahead

and swing for the fences

with this one, all right?

We're battin' 1,000, so why not?

Lot's wife has gone over like gangbusters,

and we cannot succumb to a sophomore slump.

We need to come correct.

I think the very next

artifact we go after,

Ark of the Covenant.

Well, that's a great idea, Tony, but, uh,

we already know where she is.

We do?

- Where?

- DON:
Ethiopia.

It's rested there for hundreds of years

at the church of Our

Lady Mary of Zion in Axum.

It's watched over by a

single guardian monk 24/7.

Does this monk know martial arts?

Tell me this, is there anything into

tryin' to strike up some sort of

friendship with this monk fella?

Convince him to bring

the Ark over here?

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Years ago, I tried to make

small talk with the fellow

when he came up for air... not a good idea.

Besides, if anyone actually sees the Ark,

they will implode.

Whoo. Well, that sounds

like that would suck.

Frankincense.

Penicillin.

Sweetheart, those are wonderful

ideas, they really are,

but, uh, we don't need

to waste Don's time

findin' penicillin, baby,

'cause we are... the

world has that already.

What about a scuba expedition

to the bottom of the Red Sea?

Search for the remains of Pharaoh's army?

Gold chariots, breastplates, and the like?

Well, the Red Sea's roughly

170,000 square miles of open water.

I'm not sure I'd know where to begin.

Well, I'll tell you where to begin, Don.

- Faith.

- You got me there.

But dredging the ocean floor's an operation

that's way out of our budget range.

I'd say our current resources are

best suited for land excavation.

Don, this is hard.

Oh, this is tough. I

got a jumble of thoughts

just going on like there's a fog.

Like Lucifer has farted inside my brain.

Well, what sort of, uh,

artifacts do you think

will be more reasonable?

Well, there's one object

that's eluded me for years.

I'm goin' after...

the Goliath skull.

TONY:
That is brilliant.

Goliath's skull.

Don, I'm gonna get you some SkyMiles

and we're gonna get you to Israel.

You know about the road to Jericho?

- No, I don't.

- Well, it's a long story.

I don't want to get into it right

now, but the Valley of Kidron

and the Valley of Josaphat...

I'm stuck between left and right.

BOAZ:
So, Carol, is this your first time

in the Valley of Elah?

Okay, right now we're

standing in the very creek bed

where David collected his five stones.

That means the Philistine army

would have camped over here

and the Israelites would have camped...

over there.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

( SIGHS )

Military protocol of the day

would put David and Goliath somewhere

right here in the middle.

To pinpoint a more exact location,

you go stand over there, Boaz.

Let's see how this thing

would've played out.

( BOAZ GRUMBLING )

You better not sling that rock at me, Don.

This will give us a general area

of where they might have buried the skull.

Hold that shovel above your

head so I have about six cubits.

Now, if I'm David, I'm

thinkin', "I've got to swing"

this contraption as hard as I can.

"I'm probably only gonna

get one chance at this."

And then David begins to pray

for a kill shot right between

- the Philistine's eyes.

- ( GROANING )

BOAZ:
Carol!

- Carol!

- ( GROANING CONTINUES )

Are you all right?

- You hit her in the uterus, Don.

- I am so sorry, Carol.

The sling just fell apart on me

it's... it's... it's clearly

not a reliable weapon.

- Can you breathe?

- ( GROANS ) Yeah.

Well, let's all gather

'round for a word of prayer.

Okay.

Dear Lord, we are indeed grateful

that Carol's flesh was not harmed.

Bless her with renewed vigor.

We pray, Lord, that when I throw

this river stone in the air,

that it may land in the general area

of where we should begin to dig,

that we might be able to locate the remains

of that heartless Philistine.

Yay, even Goliath. Amen.

All right, there she is.

Let's start diggin'.

( BIRD CRIES )

"Remember, my child, I

never said it would be easy,

I only said it would be worth it."

Our Lord and Savior said that.

I know you people don't

respect him as a deity,

so I figured you may have missed

one of his best one-liners.

( SIREN CHIRPS )

Hey! Hey!

( SPEAKING HEBREW )

Stay cool, I'll handle this.

( CONTINUES SPEAKING HEBREW )

- Shabbat shalom.

- ( SPEAKING HEBREW )

- Mazel tov. Mazel tov.

- He says it's illegal to dig here.

- Why are you digging here?

- ( SPEAKING HEBREW )

He said, "Shut your face, you."

- Hey!

- ( POLICE RADIO CHATTER )

( SPEAKS HEBREW )

Well, I was told to pack a shovel

when touring these parts

in case of inclement bowels.

No toilets anywhere.

( SPEAKS HEBREW )

He says you can't come here

to our country and bury your caca.

( OFFICER SPEAKING HEBREW )

You need a government permit to dig here.

( SPEAKING HEBREW )

If we don't put it back, everybody to jail.

- ( RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES )

- Move!

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- ( BOAZ SPEAKING HEBREW )

- There's no need for that.

- ( SPEAKING HEBREW )

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

We will return everything

to exactly the way it was

and be on our way.

( SPEAKING HEBREW )

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you.

- ( SPEAKING HEBREW )

- ( SIGHS )

- ( CAR DOORS CLOSE, ENGINE STARTS )

( GROWLS )

( SIREN WAILING )

( TELEPHONE RINGING )

- This is Don.

- Don, it's Tony. How are ya?

I'm good, Tony, I'm really... I'm good.

How's everything goin' there? I just

really wanted to check up on your progress.

You know, people are

chompin' at the bit here

to see the head of that Philistine.

Well, Tony, I...

- we're gettin' close.

- Yeah, you think you'll be able

to wrap it up there in the next day or two?

I know your return trip is on Friday.

Praise God, I think there's an 80% chance.

Those odds have me a little worried, Don.

Well, we've already

located the burial site.

At this point, it's

just a matter of digging.

Hmm. Okay.

Well, I gotta be honest with you, Don,

we need that skull.

The fate of thousands

of people's very souls

- are in the balance here.

- I understand that.

I mean, their fate is... is

barely hangin' on by a thread.

If they do not have this second witness,

we could lose these people forever.

Can you imagine that?

I promise you, I will not return

until I have Goliath's head in my carryon.

All right. Well, I never doubted you, Don.

Why don't you go ahead

and get some shut eye?

I'm sure it's pretty late

over there in the Holy Land.

Will do, Tony. Thank you.

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