Don Verdean Page #5

God speed. Good night to you.

( PHONE LINE CLICKS )

( SIGHS )

( SIGHS )

( DOG BARKING )

( COMPUTER KEYS CLACKING )

Come on, now.

Please don't be cremated.

( BLOWS )

( DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE )

( SIGHS )

Dear Lord, please forgive

me for what I'm about to do.

And I know that someday

this man will be resurrected

and his members will be made whole again.

Until that day comes,

I pray that his remains

will be put to good use

and bring You many new souls unto Thee.

Amen.

( GRUNTING )

( SCRAPING )

( CROWBAR CLATTERS )

( GROANING )

( CRACKS )

( CAR DOOR CLOSES )

( GRUNTS )

( TELEPHONE RINGING )

- Hello?

- DON:
Carol, I need you to wake up.

I'm up.

DON:
I was wrong about

our location yesterday.

They never would've

buried Goliath there.

It's just too obvious.

That police officer yesterday was God's way

of telling us that we

were on the wrong path.

Well, where could it be, then?

Praise God, we'll find out.

CAROL:
What is this place?

This is the ancient village of Gath.

Goliath's birthplace.

We all need to keep our eyes

peeled for any natural landmarks...

a... a monument of sorts.

What about that monolith right there?

- What monolith?

- Right there.

That's not a bad idea.

All right, boys, let's head over there.

DON:
Good thinkin' there, Carol.

BOAZ:
You have really great ideas, Carol.

All right, Carol, this is your call.

You take the lead on this one.

Well, to me,

this monolith represents

the physical strength of Goliath.

So, it only makes sense

that they would've used

something like this as a grave marker.

Dang, you're a natural.

Where should we start digging?

Right here.

All right, boys, you heard the lady.

Let's get to it.

Everyone be careful. Most Philistine graves

in this region are quite shallow.

That being said, let's dig fast.

Don't want any looky-loos showin' up.

( CLANGS )

Don.

I hit something.

Okay. Ho, ho, ho... everyone stop.

- Where is it?

- Right there.

( EXHALES SHARPLY )

Carol, can you hand me

that brush from my kit?

- I can see a chunk of bone.

- Let's not get carried away.

Ooh! Is that the dome of a skull?!

Phew. Certainly appears that way.

Wow.

DON:
Carol, would you do the honors?

No, I'm afraid I'll break it. You do it.

All right, next time.

Get that bag ready.

Oh, my God.

I don't believe it. That's...

the skull of Goliath.

Hey! Hey! T-these guys just

found the skull of Goliath!

All right. Let's get out of here.

( INDISTINCT CHATTER )

- ( KNOCKS )

- BOAZ:
Can I come in, Don?

DON:
Sure. What can I do you for?

I was just thinking about the

incredible discovery we made today.

Another big win for Christianity, huh?

Your people, too.

You should be proud of

yourself. Shalom.

Your shovel made first contact.

I guess you're right.

I just found it a

little strange that...

we found the skull

in the very first place we started digging.

My brother and I both agree

that that ground felt very soft.

Almost like somebody had already dug it up.

I'm sure you can guess where

I'm going with this, Don.

No, Boaz. Actually, I don't.

Oh, don't you? It just seemed a

bit convenient, don't you think?

What we experienced today is

nothing short of a miracle.

Don't ever forget that.

God has always said,

"My ways are not your ways."

( COMPUTER CHIMES )

- Hey, hey. Hey, hey.

- What the hell?

- Hey, hey, hey. Mind your business.

- What is wrong with you?!

You sick, sick man, Don.

Easy, now, Boaz. Let's... let's

talk about this, all right?

No, there's nothing to talk about.

You're a grave robbing creep!

Dismembering the head

of Johnny Jerusalem?!

Johnny Jerusalem is a hero here!

Listen to me now, Boaz!

I was always gonna put him back.

Give him the proper hero's burial,

but you need to understand

why I had to do this.

I-I-I'm doin' it for

the good of everyone.

I should report you to

the authorities right now.

Let's not be rash here.

( CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY )

I'm sure there's somethin'

we can work out between us.

You trying to bribe me, Don?

I don't want your filthy luka.

Well, wh... what do you want?

I want to come to the States.

I want to live the

American Dream for a while.

And get a Pontiac.

And I want the Levi's jeans,

acid wash, super taper.

- Like John Stamos.

- ( SIGHS )

I want a wife, Don. I'm lonely here.

She has to be gentle

and sweet and hot like stripper.

Well, that can be arranged.

But on one condition, now.

I need you to bear

witness to the skull.

You're gonna have to be

a part of this for a bit.

Maybe even share how the experience

has caused you to consider Christianity,

but you're still on the

fence about the whole ordeal.

Christians love hearin' that

thing from a real-live Jew.

What do you say? Do we have a deal?

You better start lining up

some hot chicks for me, Don.

DON:
Amen.

( SIGHS )

( PLANE ENGINE ROARING )

( ANNOUNCEMENTS IN HEBREW )

MAN ON RECORDING: Hey, t-these guys

just found the skull of Goliath!

Let's get out of here.

CAROL:
One of those tourists

uploaded it this morning.

It already has over 1,000 views.

Let's hope the authorities don't

see it before we're airborne.

Put that away.

They got a lot of undercovers

on these Jew planes.

( ANNOUNCEMENTS IN HEBREW )

Stick it below the seat in front of ya.

Sorry, Carol.

Keep a close eye on it. Be gentle, now.

( CRACKS )

I think it's broken.

If Satan can get in there and get

you to start your day off wrong,

he's gonna do it. Trust me.

And he's gonna do it

through breakfast cereal.

Kay?

Listen to some of the deviant

names of these cereals.

Grape-Nuts.

Grape-Nuts!

Nice try, Satan.

Nuts, testicles.

Come on. Don't get that image

in my head in the morning.

Banana Nut Crunch.

Yeah, we know what the nuts

are, we've established that.

Bananas? ( SCOFFS )

We know what that is.

It's a penis.

Well, I'm here to tell you

that each and every time

you spoon into a bowl of Lucky Charms,

you might as well be partaking

of Lucifer's sacrament.

I mean, come on!

Turn it around! Let's get God cereal in ya!

Start the day off with a

little God in your life.

You know what I eat?

I eat Life.

I eat Raisin Bran.

I eat Special K.

Right? Special K.

( WHISPERS ) Come... come

right now. It's on TV.

Oh. Brothers and sisters,

let's all take a 15-minute recess.

Fontaine, I'm tellin' you, you

could really be screwed here, man.

TONY ON TV:
Ladies and

gentlemen, members of the press,

at this time, I would

like to introduce to you

the people sitting here to my left.

First we have Boaz Yohalem,

field supervisor and Israeli national.

Next to him Carol Jensen,

chief research assistant.

And, finally,

world-famous archaeologist,

Donald Verdean.

Mr. Verdean is also

the president and CEO

of BibleQuest Enterprises,

headquartered in Duchesne, Utah.

Now, at this time, I'd

like to hand the floor over

to Mr. Verdean so he can share with you

the evidence of his latest find.

- ( APPLAUSE ON TV )

- I'm gonna book you a massage right now.

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