Don Verdean Page #6

( HISSES )

DON ON TV:
Earlier this month

on a routine dig in Israel,

Miss Jensen, Mr. Yohalem

and myself unearthed the remains

of a very large human skull

containing a river stone

embedded in the frontonasal suture.

This discovery was made in Gath,

the ancient birthplace of Goliath.

And I'm gonna quit talkin' about it

and let you be the judge.

- ( CROWD GASPING )

- ( OVERLAPPING QUESTIONS )

- MAN:
Mr. Verdean, how tall was he?

- WOMAN:
Question. Question.

- MAN #2:
Over here.

- WOMAN:
Question right here, Mr. Verdean.

I want you to find the home addresses

of everyone involved in this broadcast.

And I want you to go to their homes

and put a dead dog in

each one of their cars.

DON ON TV:
First

question, right over here.

How do you respond to critics

who claim this is all a big hoax?

Well, I invite critics everywhere

to take a good, hard look at the evidence

and, uh, make a decision.

Bone shavings from the skull

will soon be taken to the lab

for radio carbon analysis.

So you see, it's all scientific.

Tell them the truth, Don.

( MIC FEEDBACK SQUEALS )

What?

I think you should really tell the truth.

( LAUGHS )

Tell them how we were chased

by three al-Qaeda

guys on "motorcyc-les."

( CROWD MURMURING )

Oh, yeah, well, I-I tried

to forget about that.

- It was, uh...

- Will you please tell us about this run-in with al-Qaeda?

Uh...

well, yes, as you already know

word of our discovery spread

quickly and not 10 minutes after

we were on the road with the skull,

we were followed by three

masked men on motorcycles...

- BOAZ:
With AK-47s.

- ( CROWD GASPS )

DON:
With AK-47s. Uh...

I immediately took evasive action

and I knocked all three

of them off the road.

What al-Qaeda would want with the skull

of a Philistine, I have no idea.

They're possibly cloning

an army of giant al-Qaeda guys.

- ( CROWD MURMURING )

- Uh...

What makes you think

they were from al-Qaeda?

Well, I've received numerous death threats

since the incident that, uh...

confirm they were indeed

- al-Qaeda operatives.

- ( CROWD MURMURING, GASPING )

Indeed they had... were

wearing those crazy hats.

- Thank you, Dan.

- TONY:
Now, I tell ya, if I had my druthers,

the very next thing

we'd be goin' after...

the wreckage of Noah's vessel.

I'm not talkin' about the Ark, there

was this... an earlier prototype.

It's more of a recreational vehicle.

I believe his boys wrecked

it across a rocky shore

when they were gallivanting one evening.

If I can put that piece

of the puzzle together,

I can finally close the door

on all this dinosaur nonsense,

prove that that stuff never existed.

Just a hodgepodge of

different reptilian bones.

I'm sure if you're

familiar with the old, uh,

'80s cartoon "Vultron."

Familiar with that? I believe they were

crime-fighters of some nature.

They all had their own machines,

but together the machines

would form a giant machine.

And I do believe that that

is what we can discover.

That these bones, these relics,

they're just like a little

Vultron of reptilians.

It was all tiny ones kinda

fell together to form something

that looks like a creature.

- Have I lost ya?

- Appreciate you bein' here.

Right.

Well...

Hey, Carol. How you holdin' up?

Boy, I'm sure you're not used to

this much limelight, though.

You really glowed up there today.

Stop it, Don.

Did you plan that

publicity stunt with Boaz?

What? No, no, no.

Because I would like to

be forewarned the next time

you decide to lie to the

entire Christian nation.

( STOMPS FOOT, GROANS )

Carol, I-I'm... I'm sorry,

but Boaz caught me totally off-guard.

I-I-I didn't

know what to say,

so I just rolled with it.

But I sure as heck didn't

ask him to lie for me.

( SIGHS )

Well, you know, in life I had to learn

that sometimes the small untruths

are necessary for the greater good.

My sentiments exactly.

But you know the second those

lies hurt the ones you love,

the sin is on you.

He also was in the Masad training

program for about three months.

Weapons training,

counter-intelligence,

making booby-traps,

- kicking...

- Would you excuse us for just a moment?

I just want to talk

to Dr. Yohalum for a second.

- I'm just talking to the lady about the...

- Yes. Yes.

What in the Sam Hill were

you thinkin' in there?!

Al-Qaeda, Boaz?! Cloning?!

You don't know a damn heck thing

about the media, do you, Don?

I was saving you up

there! You were suffering.

Those people were bored, they were yawning.

They couldn't give a rat's butthole

about your Goliath skull

until I mentioned al-Qaeda.

We're front page news now.

Everybody wants a piece of us.

Piece of you. Piece of

me. Piece of all of us.

This is my operation, Boaz.

Anything you say or do

need to run by me first!

- You understand?

- Do you understand that we're partners now?

I've started drumming up some

business from some new clients.

- What?!

- We should cut bait with this... this Tony guy.

We could be making serious

luka from big-time collectors.

No, no, no, no. Hold on.

That's not why I do this.

A Chinese billionaire

emailed me two minutes ago.

He wants to finance us.

I told him we're onto something big, Don.

Something really big.

The Holy Grail of Biblical artifacts.

And what might that be?

The Holy Grail.

You're an idiot. Are you jokin' me?

I'm not a joking you, Don.

And apparently he just

leaked that to the press.

Well, you've just turned

this into a royal crap storm.

How in the heck are we gonna find that?!

The same way we found the

Goliath skull, I guess.

We fabricate it.

Don't walk away from this, Don.

( SIGHS DEEPLY )

I'm the one who knows

your dirty little secret.

Don! Hold on. Let me

holler at you for a moment.

Hey, Tony, hey. How are ya?

What's going on? I-I just

talked to a reporter in there.

He said you were thinkin'

about jumpin' ship?

Go work for some Chinese

billionaire. That's not true, is it?

( GROANS ) Tony, I don't know what to say.

- A lot of big things have happened today.

- All right, well,

what's he offering you? You gotta give me

the opportunity to match his offer.

Well, Tony, I...

I'm sorry, Tony, I never

planned it to happen like this,

but... ( GROANS )

This is just too big an

opportunity to pass up.

( SNIFFS ) You know, I don't believe this.

I thought you and I were friends.

Real soldiers in the Lord's army.

But you've turned out

to be a Judas Iscariot.

- Wait, Tony, I...

- Good day to you, sir.

Tony, my hands are tied here! I...

( SIGHS )

There are a few items of business

I want to discuss with you.

- Keep your voice down.

- All right.

First item,

if you're worried about the analysis

of the Goliath skull, don't be.

Boaz has taken care of it.

- Excuse me?

- I offered the lab tech guy

10 grand to fake the results.

- You just what?

- Don't worry about the money, Don.

I'll take care of that, too.

I'm gonna negotiate an advance

when we have our Skype

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