Donald Glover Weirdo Page #2

---

Like, you don't have to do that

every time you go in.

As an actor, I have

to prove I know how to act

every time I have to audition

and prove I know how to act like

I'm just gonna forget

how to act one day.

Like, I just won't know.

Like, I'll come back from summer

break, go to "Community,"

and they're gonna

be like, "Okay, and action!"

And I'll just be like...

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know! Is this acting?

Help, help!"

It's ridiculous.

But like,

I was talking about music.

I like music a ton, but the

problem is, is like,

I like weird stuff.

I like weird, crazy music,

like, weird people making music,

and we really don't have that

anymore.

Like, you know, we got

Lady Gaga and stuff like that,

but that's... I don't think

that's really weird.

I feel like that's

planned, like, I don't...

We need weird stuff.

But as an adult,

we're not really allowed

to be weird anymore.

Like, the older you get, the

less you can take weird stuff.

That's the truth.

Like, you can't take

weird stuff anymore.

Like, as a kid,

the idea of Santa Claus is

really weird and f***ed up.

It really is, but you're...

Like for some...

Just like, "Hey,

there's this fat guy

"that comes in your house,

eats all your food,

"and he leaves little gifts

for you and while your parents

are sleeping,

he runs up the chimney."

You're like, "He gives me

gifts... cool."

You're just fine with it.

You're fine with that guy being

in your house.

As an adult, somebody's like,

"Hey man, 'Glee' comes on at

9:
00 instead of 8:00 tonight."

You're like, "F*** you, really?

"Why'd they change it?

Why'd they change it?"

Can't take any change

whatsoever.

But that's basically what it is,

is like, you know, I'm 27,

like, I'm about to

become who I'm gonna be

for the rest of my life.

Like, basically, once you hit

around your 30s,

that's who you're gonna be

for the rest of your life

pretty much.

Like, if you're conservative

and you're around your 30s,

you're probably gonna be

conservative

for the rest of your life.

If you're like, liberal,

and you're like, in your 30s,

you're probably gonna be liberal

for the rest of your life.

You know, if you're a girl

and you don't give blowj*bs,

curl up to your nine cats

and your "Twilight" DVDs,

'cause you're gonna die alone.

You're gonna die alone.

Sorry.

I love that joke because guys

are always like,

"Well put, Mr. Glover."

But it's true,

like you can't take any...

Like, as you get older, you

can't take any weird stuff,

that's just the truth.

Like I know...

That Lady Gaga! Kanye West tour.

I was super stoked about that.

That was gonna be so awesome and

weird, it's gonna be so crazy.

I was having dreams about it,

that's how much I was excited

about it.

I was having dreams about it.

I was like, there's gonna be,

like, two big pillars on stage,

like, one big pillar here, like,

Lady Gaga's there

and her hair's,

like, blowing in the wind

and she's playing the bass,

like this, going...

like a huge bass,

but the bass isn't a bass,

it's just a huge tampon,

she's playing a huge...

She's just plucking at

a huge tampon.

And at the end of it

is Tony Danza's face.

He's just like...

He's just going, like,

crazy on there.

And then, like,

there's another one,

there's like, another

huge pillar,

and then, like, Kanye West

is on it, he's playing a piano,

but the piano's not a piano,

it's just a bear,

it's a live bear.

For some reason, he's playing...

And the bear's not eating Kanye

'cause he has so much respect

for him,

he's just, like, looking at him.

He's just like, "Oh, I want

to eat you,

"but you made 'Graduation!

You motherf***er!"

He's like, mad.

And then, like, in the audience,

there's like,

a big, clear beach ball

that everybody's pushing

and kicking around,

and in the center of

the big clear beach ball's

just this one lone baby,

just like, one lone, naked baby,

and he's not crying or anything,

he's just confused and sh*t.

He's like, why did my parents

put me in here?

I'm... I thought they loved me!

And I was like,

yes, that's worth $50.

I wanna see that.

And they canceled it.

They got rid of it.

They were like, it's too weird,

it's gay,

I don't get it, get rid of it.

That hit home for someone.

"It's funny 'cause it's true!"

Well, they got rid of it.

They canceled it,

and that's ridiculous.

That's crazy.

Only adults would do that.

Like, as a kid, we watched the

weirdest stuff and nobody cared.

Nobody...

You guys remember

"Muppet Babies"?

( Cheers and applause )

Let me refresh your memory what

"Muppet Babies" is about.

"Muppet Babies" is a show

about a lady

with no face

who takes care of a frog, a pig,

a dog that plays the piano,

and an alien named Gonzo

that fucks chickens.

And adults were like, "Yeah,

watch it, I don't give a f***.

I got things to do, I gotta go."

No one cared.

You guys remember "Teenage

Mutant Ninja Turtles"?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"?

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"

sounds like

a homeless person's fever dream.

If you... If you were walking

down the street

and you saw a homeless

person and they were like,

"They're all named after

Renaissance artists

and their father's a big rat,"

you'd be like, "Get the f***

away from me, man!"

I'm kind of obsessed

with homeless people.

I really am.

Because, I don't know, we have

a long history together.

We do, we have

a long history together.

Like, when I first moved here,

when I first moved here

from Atlanta,

like, the only thing

I knew how to do to make money

was to babysit, 'cause my

parents, like,

they ran a day care,

we had a lot of foster kids,

so the only thing I really knew

how to do was take care of kids.

So I had this job, I was

supposed to pick up this kid

and I was running late

and I was leaving a message

on the phone,

and I was like,

you know, talking,

and I wasn't really paying

attention to where I was going.

And a homeless man...

punched me in the face.

And I think he was like,

schizophrenic or something,

'cause he was like,

"Stop following me!"

And I was just like...

Just ran away.

So anyway,

I go and pick up the kid,

I pick him up, bring him

home, make him dinner.

His mom comes home,

she's like, "Hey."

She goes in the back room,

she comes back out and she goes,

"Hey, are you okay?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm fine,

I kind of forgot..."

She's like, "Are you sure?"

And I'm like,

"Yeah, what's wrong?"

And she plays me the voice

message I left.

And I didn't keep it,

but I remember it very well,

and it went a little something...

It went like this.

Boop.

"Hey, it's Donald, I just

wanted to let you know that

"I'm running a little bit late

picking up Ben,

but I just

wanted to let you know..."

( screaming )

"What'd you do?

"What'd you do?

I gotta hide!"

( panting )

"I'll hide in this tree!

"Get away!

"Get away!

Leave me alone!"

( sobbing )

"I want to die, I want to die."

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes