Donald Glover Weirdo Page #3

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That's pretty much

how it sounded.

So-

( cheers and applause )

Thanks.

So I've had a lot of run-ins

with, you know,

like, homeless people

and stuff like that.

And you know, I lived in

Downtown LA,

and Downtown LA is kind of like

the '80s decided to stay there.

They're like, oh, yeah, you guys

go ahead and be the '90s,

go enjoy Ace of Base.

We'll be here,

practicing the Moonwalk

and selling crack.

Like, that's

everything in Downtown LA.

And I... You know, I'm hanging

out in Downtown LA

and I would always have...

You know, I would have,

like, parties or something

or watch movies

and stuff like that

and I'd have girls over

and I'd always had to walk them

back to their car.

Like, they ask me,

like, can you walk me back?

And I'm like, sure.

And around the seventh time,

I was like,

wow, every girl who comes over

asks me to walk them

back to their car,

like, no matter what time.

And like, I realized,

I was like,

Oh, they're afraid they're gonna

get attacked

or raped or something,

and I was like, oh, my God,

like, that's ridiculous.

Like, as a grown man,

I never think of that,

like, that's never in my head.

Like, oh, will I get...

Like, rape isn't right around

the corner for me

like it is for women,

which is so messed up.

Like if someone...

Like, I'm an adult male,

I'm a grown man.

Like, if someone

was gonna rape me, like,

someone's gonna attack

me and rape me,

like, they had to be, like...

Like, real tricky about it,

you know?

Like, real tricky.

Like, I'd be, like, going in

the movie theater,

I got my popcorn, you know.

About to go see, like,

a movie with a bunch of

explosions in it.

Just like,

"Hey, what's going on?

"Sorry, man, sorry.

"Oh, sorry, man, sorry, just

trying to get through.

"It's 'The Expendables.'

"Sorry, excuse me, trying...

"Sorry, all right.

Ah!"

And then I see, like...

Then I see, like, a man dressed

like a chair running away.

Goddammit!

"What up, man?"

"Nothing...

I got raped again, man."

"Can you believe this?

No, I don't want to watch

'Expendables' anymore."

I was hanging out

in my neighborhood

and this girl was jogging

and we started talking

about a rape that had happened

in the neighborhood,

and we were talking about...

"Oh, this is awful,

this is so messed up.

I can't believe this happened

so close to us."

And she goes, "Yeah, well,

"if anybody ever

tries to rape me,

I'm just gonna sh*t on 'em."

"Yes, I will.

I have no problem."

Uh...

Two things, lady.

Number one, he's a rapist.

So his tolerance for gross stuff

is probably pretty high.

It's probably pretty high.

Number two...

you can sh*t on command?

Like, you can just...

You can just poop

whenever you want to?

Just be like... Hyah!

He's like, "Oh God, no!"

Like... You can poop

whenever you want?

Like, you got...

You're a national treasure.

Like, you can...

You got more superpowers

than Shaft

if you can

poop whenever you want.

That's amazing, okay?

No, I can't poop

whenever I want.

Somebody can run down...

down the stage right now

and pull out a gun and be like,

"Sh*t yourself!

Poop yourself right now!"

I'd be like, "Blow my head off."

I can't do it,

I can't do it, I'm not...

Me and my butt are, like, always

on the third date, I feel like.

I feel like, me,

I'm always like, come on,

let's... hurry up, let's do this.

And my butt's always like,

stop rushing me,

when the time is right.

I'm not in love yet.

That was me in a domestic

dispute with my... with my butt.

But with all this, like,

crazy stuff going on,

with like, you know, rapes and,

like, earthquakes and all this...

I know, I put, like,

rapes and earthquakes

in the same category.

Like if my sister was like,

"I got raped yesterday,"

I'd be like, "Did you

hear about that earthquake?

"It was like a 4.5.

It wasn't huge,

but it was big enough."

They're not the same thing.

But with all this crazy stuff

going on,

people feel like it's

the end of the world.

Like, people just...

People talk about...

Like, people say this is

the worst time.

I was talking to my dad the

other day and he was like,

"Oh man, things are so bad, man.

"Things are so bad out here,

I'm sorry, I just like...

"It feels like this is

the worst time to be alive, man.

"This is the worst time

to be alive.

"I'm sorry, son.

It's the worst time

to be alive."

And that's bullshit.

That's crap, that is total crap.

This is the best time

to be alive ever.

This is the best time there has

ever been to be human and alive.

That's the truth.

( Cheers and applause )

It's the absolute truth.

Do you realize, like, just

a couple hundred years ago,

just a couple hundred years ago,

people could come into your

village, your community,

whatever you want to call it,

people could come in there,

just a bunch of them,

kill you, rape your wife,

sell your kids into slavery

and people would be like,

"Well, what'd you expect?"

"It's nighttime."

"My hands were tied,

the sun went down."

You couldn't get away with

that stuff now.

Somebody would Twitter that

sh*t, it would be everywhere.

Be like, "Someone killed my mom

"and sold me and my brother

to Greece.

W-T-F?"

It would be everywhere.

People say the same stuff

about rap music.

People are just like, "Oh, rap

music now, oh, it sucks so bad.

"Rap music now sucks.

"Now, back in the day,

that was the good rap music.

"That was where the good rap

music was at.

"I'm gonna walk around with my...

Yeah, that's the good

rap music."

No, it's not.

Have you ever listened to rap

back in the day?

It's always

some dude being like:

Well I went to

the hat store today

And I bought myself a hat

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

It's like, "Nigga...

Nigga, I don't want to hear

your hat stories."

So lame.

You know, I think people don't

like rap nowadays

'cause they say it has,

like a bad influence on kids,

they have, like, a bad influence

on kids.

And I grew up

with a bunch of kids,

like, my mom ran a day care

and we had foster kids

and we had adopted kids.

I know kids pretty well

and I've got to be honest,

kids are pretty f***ed up

anyway.

They're awful people.

They're tiny, tiny little

Hitlers, all of them.

They're all awful.

No, seriously.

The thing that makes everybody

in here a good person

is empathy and sympathy.

When you learn, like, "Oh, I'm

not gonna punch that person,

'cause if he punched me, I

wouldn't like that, so yeah."

When you learn that, that's what

makes you a good person.

Kids don't have that yet,

so they're awful, awful people.

They're terrible people,

they don't have it yet,

that's the honest-to-God...

You ever see those kids

in the supermarket?

They're just walking around,

they're just like...

Just screaming

and their mom's like,

"Zachary, Zachary,

I mean it, Zachary.

"Zachary, Zach... Zachary,

remember?

"Remember, Zachary?

"Remember the... 'dolphin.'

"Remember, 'dolphin'?

"Remember we made

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