Donald Glover Weirdo Page #4

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the secret word

"that means you need to behave?

"'Dolphin' is the word,

I just said it,

"so you need to

behave, you understand?

"You understand, huh?

Okay-r.

Like the kid's gonna be like,

"Oh, you're right,

we did agree upon that."

"I'm gonna stop pissing

in this Nutella jar

and really...

really start behaving."

He's three years old,

he doesn't know.

He... He can't even talk.

He can't even talk,

he doesn't speak English yet.

If... That's the thing,

when they're going, like...

And they're screaming

and they're spitting

and they're screaming

at their mom,

they're not saying anything.

That's because

they don't know words yet.

If they could talk, they'd be

cursing their mom out.

They would.

They'd be like, "Oh yeah, Mom,

I'm just gonna...

"Yeah, I'm just gonna

eat this cookie for dinner.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna eat this

cookie for dinner,

"it's not a big deal,

I'm just gonna eat this...

"What are you doing?

What are you doing?

"Oh, you f***ing b*tch!

"You knew I wanted that cookie

for dinner

"and you put it

somewhere I couldn't reach it.

"You're dead, you're

f***ing dead.

"I'm gonna tell Dad

"and he's gonna beat the living

sh*t out of you.

"Dad, Dad?

"This c*nt that you married

"put a cookie somewhere

I couldn't reach it.

"F***ing kill her.

I'll wait."

That's what's in a kid's head.

Kids are awful.

Kids are awful people...

You want to...

You want to know a testament

to how awful kids are,

how terrible kids are?

Um, I was walking

down the street in LA,

just walking down the street

from a restaurant,

from one of my

favorite restaurants,

and I had, like, a bag

full of food,

and it's right

across the street from a school.

And I saw two kids fighting

over a basketball.

They're like...

Fighting over it,

I'm just walking by.

And one of 'em just goes,

and just pulls it.

And the other one goes,

"That's why your mom's

in a f***ing wheelchair!"

And I dropped my sh*t,

I was like,

Wha... Wha... What?

You can say that?

You can say those words in that

order and you don't explode?

Like, the people police don't

come down from the sky,

like, "Oh, I'm sorry,

this person's a demon.

"I didn't even know...

I don't know how...

I don't know how he got out."

That's the most awful thing

in the world.

Nobody in this room

could get away with that.

If you went to work tomorrow

and it was like,

"Hey man, Dave is

being a real jerk today."

"Yeah, I know, what's going on?"

"I don't know, but that's

why his mom's

"in a f***ing wheelchair.

"All right, I'll see you later,

I'll see you later.

Basketball later?"

"No, no basketball later.

I'm not playing with a monster."

Tiny Hitlers.

All awful.

Seriously, that's why

I wear condoms.

I'm not having a baby.

I'm not ready to have a baby.

And I know a lot of people

are just like,

"I wear condoms 'cause

I don't want to get AIDS."

But I gotta be honest,

I'm sorry,

I'd much rather

have AIDS than a baby.

Sorry, AIDS beats baby

by this much.

Seriously.

People get all upset when

they hear that.

Think about it, they're

not that different, you guys.

They're not that different

at all.

They're both expensive, you have

them for the rest of your life,

they're constant reminders of

the mistakes you've made,

and once you have them,

you pretty much can only date

other people who have them.

What's the difference?

What's the difference?

The only difference is,

you can't go to jail

by accidentally dropping AIDS.

So AIDS wins by this much.

I'm serious,

I mean, like, people...

At least people, when you

have AIDS,

people are, like, aware of it

and people want to help you.

People feel sorry for you.

Like, people want to

help you out

and make other people aware of

that when you have AIDS.

People don't give

a sh*t when you have kids.

No one's just like, "Yeah, man,

I'm living with kids."

"Been kids-positive

for about five years now.

"I lost a lot of my friends in

the '80s to kids.

"We're doing a kids walk

tomorrow and just...

"I'm sorry, one of

my kids coughed in my face,

I have to leave," like, no...

No one cares.

And it's weird...

Like, I remember, here's...

I was babysitting this kid once,

this mean kid,

and I remember the first time

I saw him, I opened the door

and there were tears

streaming down his face,

tears streaming down his face,

but he wasn't crying.

He wasn't crying.

Just tears, he was giving me

this mean mug, he was like...

I was like, what the f*** is

wrong with this kid?

What's going on with this kid?

I found out later that his

parents were very organic

and they wouldn't let him

have any sugar,

they wouldn't

let him have any candy.

He would... The sweetest thing

he was allowed was mints.

He was just

allowed to have mints.

So he would steal mints

by the handful.

So his breath was so fresh...

the vapors from his own mouth

made his eyes water.

Like, he'd be like, "Hello!"

And then like...

Just, they would just bleed...

It was crazy.

I would take him to the park,

right?

Washington Square Park,

and all the babysitters

in New York

for some reason are Trinidadian.

They're all Trinidadian

babysitters.

And I would take him to the park

and I was the only boy there,

you know, I was hanging out.

You know, they were cool.

You know, we'd trade jerk-

chicken recipes and stuff.

And he... he was just

a mean-spirited kid,

like, he kind Of...

Like, he watched HBO

just a little too early

and was just kind of a mean kid

in general,

so he would just

come through and just...

He wanted to get to his slide,

so he just pushed over this

little girl, she fell over,

and her Trinidadian babysitter

comes over and goes,

"Hey!

You leave that little girl

alone."

And he goes, "Shut up."

And she goes, "Don't you talk

to me like that,

I am a grown-up,

you will respect me."

And he goes, "Suck my dick!"

And the lady goes...

I sh*t you not...

The lady goes,

"Someone betta get this little

niglet away from me."

And I fell out

because I have never heard

the word "niglet" before!

I never heard...

My brain started...

I was like, niglet,

I haven't heard that one!

It was, like, insane.

Like, the first thing that came

to my head was, like,

the name of a band or something,

like, everybody give it up for

Bobby Johnson and the Niglets!

And like, three little kids in

like, slim-fit suits come out.

They sing, like, exclusively

Hall & Oates songs.

I was like, "niglet!"

I was taking him home while it's

still in my head.

I was like, niglet, like,

is that like the black version

of Piglet, like, Niglet?

One of 'em's just like,

"Hey, I'm Niglet!"

And like, Pooh's at the door,

he's like,

"Oh, come on, man,

it's 3:
00 in the morning,

you smell like malt liquor."

"Shut up, I'm Niglet!"

Like... And like, I couldn't...

I couldn't even get mad

at the slur

because there's just something

about racism that's funny...

when it's tiny, you know?

When it's tiny, it's just

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