Donald Glover Weirdo Page #5

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hilarious for some reason.

Like, if a tiny Klansman ran

onstage right now and was like,

"Get off stage, you n*gger!"

I'd be like,

"Look at the little guy!"

Pick him up, tickle him.

"I'm gonna burn a cross

on your lawn,"

like, "Shut up,

you little motherf***er.

Get out of here!"

"Aw, I mean it!"

That'd be hilarious.

It'd be like a messed-up

Webster.

We'd like,

share a split-level house.

He's going up the stairs with

his tiny cross.

And he's like, "Hey, Donald."

"Yeah?"

"I hate you."

"I hate you too, tiny Klansman.

I hate you too."

It's funny how, like,

the N-word still comes up in

weird places.

It does, like,

it's strange 'cause, like,

it doesn't really affect me

like I'm sure

it does like it used to.

Like, I don't really think about

it, it doesn't really come up

and like, I don't really

care about that sh*t,

but it still

comes up in weird places.

Like, I like...

Like, I write raps,

so sometimes I will write them

in my iPhone,

so I was like, writing, you

know, the N-word in my iPhone,

N-I-G-G-A, I was writing

the N-word.

And my iPhone goes,

"Did you mean 'niggardly'?"

And I was like, "No, iPhone.

"I meant 'nigga.'

Write it."

But then, like, two weeks later,

I was writing "jigga,"

which is the shortened

form of Jay-Z, J-I-G-G-A,

and my iPhone goes, "Did you

mean 'nigga'?"

And I went, "Whoa, iPhone!"

"You do not get to say that."

I like to... I like... You know.

I've said this

in my raps before.

I like to date the black girls

of every culture, you know.

Like Filipinos.

They're like the black girls

of Asians.

Armenians, who's like

the black girls of white girls.

And I was dating this

Armenian and...

Someone's racist.

Armenians!

Oh, God, but seriously,

who were you dating?

I was...

No, I was dating this

Armenian girl

and we were making sex.

I was having sex with her.

I know, I wish I could start

every sentence that way.

Just like, "I was having sex

with this girl,

and enjoy 'Black Swan.

"Oh, I liked that.

I liked the part where he said

he was having sex."

But I was having sex with

her and we were towards...

towards the end, and she goes,

"F*** me harder

with that N-word dick."

And I stop,

look at her right in the eye...

and I came harder than

I've ever come...

before.

It was so awesome, you guys,

it was so great.

Like, I was like, wha?

Like, I couldn't believe it.

Like, it was almost worth being

black my entire life.

It was so great.

It was so great, I actually felt

bad for white dudes, I felt bad.

I was like, you guys'll

never have that!

You'll never have that...

what do you guys have?

"Cracker dick"? That's not...

That's not sexy at all.

That sounds like a virus

you pick up on a cruise ship.

Like, yeah, you've got

cracker dick.

Yeah, just hold it

together, I don't know.

People always want to know

who can say the N-word

and who can't say the N-word.

You know, like people always...

You know, I've got a lot of

white friends.

And they're all

just kind of like,

"Oh man, I wish I could

say that stuff.

"It sounds so cool

when you say it in rap songs.

Like, I want to say that,

it sounds cool."

And I'm just like, oh,

it doesn't really, like,

do anything...

it's not that great, you know?

Like, it still comes up in

weird places, like...

You know, like that niglet joke?

I told that joke in Alaska,

and Alaska, for some reason,

has a large deaf population.

So they hired a woman to do

sign language with me

for that joke,

and she comes up to me

and she goes,

"I'm sorry, but are there any

terms or phrases in your act

"that don't exist

in sign language

that I have to make up

on the spot?"

And I was like...

"Yeah.

Niglet?"

And she goes, "Oh."

There's already a term for

"niglet" in sign language!

They already have it!

Deaf people have been saying

"niglet" for years!

For years!

A nigga that is tiny,

that's what that means!

Was it... Why is this "nigga"?

Why is this... This is...

I feel like it should be...

Or... Way, way before this.

I've done this walking

down the street.

Like, when my nose itches,

I've done that

and I feel like deaf people

were looking at me like,

"That motherf***er's racist."

"That guy hates his own people."

But like I was saying,

people always want to know

who can say it and who can't

and it doesn't help me,

it doesn't help anyone.

Like, it doesn't...

Like, being black

and being able to say, like,

the N-word doesn't help at all,

like, no one's ever...

I'm not gonna get a job

off of it or anything like that.

It's like,

"This dude is extremely

qualified for this job...

"but this guy can say n*gger

whenever he wants.

Which one do we choose?"

Like, no one cares.

But there is one person

in the entire world

I know for a fact

who can say the N-word,

who isn't a minority.

There's one person,

there's one dude.

There's one dude in the entire

world who can say the N-word

and he's not a minority,

he's not black.

And that one person

in the entire world

who can say the N-word is...

Charlie Sheen.

"Why does Charlie Sheen get to

say the N-word, Donald?"

I will tell you, audience.

The reason Charlie Sheen

gets to say the N-word

is because Charlie Sheen,

before all this crazy stuff

happened two years ago,

got in a fight on the phone with

his ex-wife, Denise Richards,

and just straight up

called her a n*gger.

Just called her... Just called

her the N-word, like literally.

He was like, "Listen here,

you n*gger!"

Like, really,

really gave it to her,

and I'm sorry, give that man

the NAACP Award.

That is...

Seriously, that is amazing,

think about it.

A white dude called

a white woman a n*gger.

Straight up,

he didn't say, like,

"I hope you get raped by..."

Or something like that.

You know, he didn't

Mel Gibson it, like, he just...

totally just called her...

I'm sorry, and that's amazing,

that really is an amazing thing,

like, think about it.

Like, see, black people

use the N-word for everything.

We use it for everything, like,

mother, brother, sister,

like, love, hate,

we use it for everything.

I called a seat belt a n*gger

earlier today.

I called a seat belt the N-word.

I was putting on the seat belt

and I was like...

"Nigga, if you don't..."

I called it...

it just needs a little flavor,

so I gave it the N-word.

You never...

Like, we use it for everything.

You never see any other

minority...

You never see white people just

using it, you never see that...

Just using it for everything.

Like, you'll never go in Ikea

and see, like,

two white undergraduates

from NYU just holding...

just holding up, some,

like rugs and being like,

"What do you think of this rug,

Denise?"

"I hate green."

"Oh, stop being a n*gger,

what do you think?"

You'll never see that.

You'll never see that,

and that's the problem,

it has to become a bad word

for everybody.

I hate it when

black leaders are just like,

oh, we're getting rid of it,

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