Donald Glover Weirdo Page #6

---

everybody's got to stop

saying it.

No one... Like,

rappers will still say it

because you told them not to.

That's what makes them badasses.

Like, you got... Everybody's got

to start saying it.

Everyone, like white people.

Like, you guys have got to start

saying the N-word.

You guys gotta start saying it.

We will lose some of you

in the process.

Not all of you

will make it home.

But you'll be dying for a good

cause, it'll be great.

I saw a lot of

white people here just like,

"No, I would never... Uh-uh.

"Not me, I won't be doing that.

I will never...

I would never do that."

And let's be honest.

White people have been getting

pretty bold with the N-word

lately anyway.

Like, seriously,

I was at a Kanye West concert.

I was at a Kanye concert

the other day, right?

I was at a Kanye concert and he

was doing "All the Lights,"

and you know how

"All the Lights" starts.

He does like three...

three parts of a verse

and then he gets to the end,

and then he holds the mic out

for the N-word part

and everyone was like,

"N*gger-

Like, everyone, everyone.

And I was in...

I wasn't in Detroit,

I wasn't in South Africa,

I was in Texas, where they make

white people.

I was surrounded by

white people and I was like,

what the hell just happened?

And they all looked at me like,

what you gonna do?

It's a Kanye concert,

we outnumber you.

I was like, okay.

I'm, like...

I just got out of a relationship

that was, like, pretty, like...

Pretty hard.

Like, I mean...

'Cause I was, like...

Really, like, fell

for this girl.

And the thing is, like,

well, I learned a lot,

which is always good.

Like, you want to learn from

stuff like that

and like,

one thing I did learn...

I guess the biggest thing I

learned was, like, if...

If a conversation starts with,

"What did you mean by that?",

it is not gonna end with,

"Oh, now I know what you

mean by that."

"Let's go to Game-Stop."

Never happens.

The thing is, is like dudes

are pretty...

Like, we're pretty simple.

We're dumb, but we're simple.

Like we're very simple.

Like every dude pretty much is

like, oh, I woke up,

now I want to eat, did I eat?

Now I want to f***, did I f***?

Time to sleep again.

That's pretty much all...

That's all dudes.

Girls, they're,

like, individuals.

Like, all of them very

individual, very different,

and sometimes they will want

two opposing things

at the same time,

like two opposing things,

which is crazy to me,

like that's insane.

Here's a perfect example,

is Destiny's Child.

You guys remember

Destiny's Child?

Destiny's Child?

Yeah, Destiny's Child.

Women love Destiny's Child.

And remember what their first

big hit?

Their first big hit?

"Bills, Bills, Bills."

Remember that?

"Bills, Bills, Bills"?

Every girl in here is like,

"Yes, I do, I remember that.

Totally do,"

because it was just like...

Everybody was just like, can you

be... can you be responsible?

That was that whole song.

Can you be responsible?

Can you pay my bills?

Can you be a man

who provides for me?

Can you be... can you be there?

Are you responsible?

Can you be there?

And then we were like,

yeah, sure, yeah.

Dude, we can do that,

we can totally do that.

Not even a year later,

they come out with another song

called "Soldier,"

all about dudes who smoke weed

in the middle of the street

and sh*t, with two pit bulls

working out.

It was like, hey,

Destiny's Child,

make up your f***ing mind, okay?

The dude working out

in the middle of the street

is not the dude

paying your bills.

I've never... I've never been...

I've never seen a 245-pound,

buff,

like ripped dude

wearing no shirt

wearing a bandana

and sunglasses,

holding a briefcase

at the bus stop, like,

"I'm gonna be late for

my data-input job at Google."

'Cause it doesn't exist.

You can't have a thug

and a working man.

They're not the same.

You can't have it,

like, that's...

I hate this "Sex & the City" guy

that every girl is looking for

where it's just like,

"Oh, he makes chairs,

but he also fixes babies."

That doesn't exist.

That dude doesn't exist, okay?

Being a girl and

wanting that type of dude

is kind of like being a dude

and being like,

"You know, I want a girl who

will willingly do butt stuff.

But I also want a girl who

wasn't molested."

Doesn't exist.

Doesn't exist.

No girl wants a penis

in the butt.

Sorry, guys-

No girl wants a penis

in the butt.

Penises are gross.

That's why we talk about them

all the time

and hold 'em and stuff,

'cause we know they're gross.

We're trying to talk 'em up like

a used-car salesman.

We're trying

to make 'em sound cool.

It's kind of like your friend

who bought a Zune

when everybody

else bought an iPod.

He keeps talking about

how awesome it is.

He's just like, oh, mine

has bigger battery power

and it picks up the radio.

It's like, "it's still a Zune,

nigga... nobody wants it.

Put it away."

"Obama has it!"

"Get out of here."

I'm sorry I'm being so crazy.

It's weird.

I mean, like, I grew up with,

a bunch of, like, kids,

and that's basically how

I learned all about,

like, insane stuff,

like all the crazy stuff

we used to do,

was like, that's

how we did it, and you know,

I want to make people happy.

And it's hard to find that

balance sometimes,

because like, I know I'm gross.

People laugh, but some people

think it's kind of gross, too.

But I always try to make

people happy.

Like, when I was a kid, like,

we had a bunch of kids come

and we had my cousins coming

over once,

all... like eight cousins.

They're all coming and I wanted

to do something,

like, special for them,

I wanted to do something

really cool,

so I used my allowance money,

which took me a long time

to get.

I had like... I get like a dollar

or two dollars, like, a week,

so I saved $20 and I went

to the store

and I bought all

the stuff to make s'mores.

And I was like, oh, I'm gonna

make s'mores with my cousins,

it's gonna be great.

I was like, this is my money, I

can do whatever I want with it.

I'm an independent woman.

So, like, I buy all that stuff

and then, I like,

take it home

and all my cousins are there

and I'm, like, handing out

the stuff.

But I bought two for me.

Like, I was like, it's my money,

you know, it's my money.

I'm gonna get two for me,

I'm the oldest, it's my money.

I'm gonna get two s'mores for

me, everybody else can get one.

It was just like, okay, cool.

I hand out the s'more stuff,

we're all getting crazy

and stuff, we're really excited,

and one of my cousins just looks

at it, looks at me,

and then he just goes...

(squishing sound )

It's not warmed up or anything,

he just took all the ingredients

and crushed them in his hand.

He was just like...

Just looking at it.

All my other cousins were like,

what the f*** is his problem?

What is going on with him?

He's a weirdo.

And he's just like... whatever,

so we make our s'mores,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes