Donald Glover Weirdo Page #7

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they're really good,

we're making all our s'mores

on the stove

and we're just, like, oh,

this is so good, mm, mm, mm.

And he's just like...

"I broke it, my s'more,

I want a s'more."

And like, I was,

like, "You messed up,

"I'm sorry, dude, I don't know

what to do.

You... I saw you do it."

And my mom was like, "Donald,

give him the s'more."

And I was like, "What?"

She's like, "Just give him

the extra s'more.

He's crying,

give him the extra s'more."

And I was like, "No!

No, no, he can't have it,

this is mine."

Just like, "Donald, don't be

selfish, give him the s'more."

I'm like, "No!"

I was, like, crying.

I was like, "No, please!

This is my s'more, I did it

with my own money!"

She's like, "Donald,

you're being selfish,

this is your cousin, be nice to

him, give him the s'more."

And I'm like...

And I give him the s'more

and he's like...

So, you know, I've been getting

a little more famous lately.

You know, I'm on TV and stuff

like that,

so a lot of relatives

have been reaching out to me

and stuff like that.

So this cousin...

I find him on Face...

He contacts me on Facebook

and he's like,

"Hey, man, what's going on?"

I'm like, "Oh, hey,

how's it going?"

It's like, oh, we catch up,

we're going back and forth.

Like, "Oh, man, it's so great."

"Oh cool, how you doing?

I saw you on TV."

I'm like, "Oh, thanks,

man, that's really cool."

He's like, "Man, you're doing

big things,

that's awesome, man,

like, great."

"Thanks, man,"

he's like, "Yeah."

I'm like. How are you?

He's like, "Yeah, man, I...

"I got this girl pregnant, man.

I don't... I don't know

what to do."

And the first thing

that came to my head was...

good.

I'm glad.

I'm glad you're in a dilemma.

'Cause you ate my s'more.

I hope he comes out

and he's a giant s'more

and you crush him in your hand,

because that's what

you do to awesome stuff.

That's how f***ed up I am.

This guy's having a serious

dilemma, like a serious thing.

This will... It's gonna change

his life forever either way

and I'm like, good!

That $2 s'more.

Yes, success, revenge!

So ridiculous.

I like... 'Cause, like...

You know...

'Cause that stuff is important

to you when you're a kid.

That stuff is really important.

Like, that was like the world

to me as a kid.

Like, we like...

'Cause kids love sugar.

Like, my brother, Steven,

loves sugar.

He loves sugar.

And I remember, like,

we weren't allowed to have

any sugary cereals as a kid,

we weren't.

We just weren't allowed

to have any sugary cereals.

And, like, my mom would,

like, get us...

Like the two cereals we were

allowed to have

was Cheerios and Kix,

and Cheerios is like

cardboard doo-doo,

and Kix is kind of

like the handjob of cereals.

It's like, a little sweet,

it's like...

It's the handjob of

cereals, 'cause it's like,

this is pretty good, but...

you know what I really want.

So, like, we would always go to

the store and my mom...

And my brother would be like,

"Mom, can we get Cocoa Puffs?

"I really want Cocoa Puffs!

Can we get Cocoa Puffs?

I want Cocoa Puffs!"

And my mom would be like,

"No, no, no, no, no,"

like, "No, we're not getting

Cocoa Puffs,

no sugar, no, no, no, no."

And then one day my brother

just snapped.

He just snapped.

He was just like, "Mom,

everyone's eating it!"

My mom goes...

grabs it and goes, "Fine."

Throws it in the cart

and just walks away

and me and my brother go, what?

It was that easy?

So we go home, we go home

and we're like skipping around,

we're like, yes, yes, yes!

We're gonna get Cocoa Puffs,

this is gonna be so awesome!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

I can't wait.

Oh, this is gonna be so great,

we get to tell everybody at

school we had Cocoa Puffs!

And she...

My mom was a Tupperware woman.

And my mom goes over

to the cabinet

and does the most devious thing

I've ever seen anyone ever do.

She takes a big Tupperware

container meant for cereal,

like, one of those big things

that you pour and stuff,

opens it up, takes

a quarter of the Cocoa Puffs,

like, just the top, like 1/4th

of the Cocoa Puffs,

pours it in there, like...

Then takes a big 'ol box of Kix,

pours like the

whole thing on top of it,

shakes it up.

So like, the ratio is like,

13,000 Kix to one Cocoa Puff,

like, it was like one spot

of brown...

It looked like a Kanye concert.

That's what it looked like.

It looked like a Kanye concert.

She takes the box and slides it

across the table

and was like, "There you go."

And my brother's just like...

( crying )

And continues to pour himself

a bowl!

You b*tch!

How could you ruin this?

Like, crying.

But he still ate it!

That's how much kids love sugar,

that's how much

my brother loves sugar.

He was an addict.

He could have been like,

f*** this,

I don't need this, whatever...

He was like,

"No, no, I still want it!

I still want it!"

It's just like, if you love

pizza and then a dude's like,

"Hey, you like pizza?"

"There you go!"

You're not gonna be like,

"Oh, you a**hole!

You a**hole!"

Don't eat the pizza!

Don't eat it!

There's not people lined up

around the block,

just like a Domino's,

like, "Oh, come on, baby.

I used to be a lawyer."

Don't eat it.

Like I said, like, I grew up

with a lot of foster parents...

foster kids and stuff like that.

Like, I mean, like, my parents

were my parents,

I never had foster parents,

but like, we had a lot of kids

going through there.

And that's how I learned about

all the stuff in the world,

like sex and all

that crazy stuff,

'cause they would talk

about this crazy stuff.

I'd be like, what?

Like, I was so, like, sheltered.

Like, my parents did a good job

about that.

Like, they did, like...

And it would be weird,

because I remember

we would have kids coming in.

And Dimarco's like

my little brother,

and he's adopted, but we had him

since he was little,

so he's like, my real brother,

for all intents and purposes,

like, he was there

since he was a baby.

So, like, I would mess with him

like he was my little brother,

like, I'd be on the top bunk

and he'd be on the bottom bunk,

I'd be on the top and be like,

"Hey, Dimarco."

He'd be like, "What?"

I'd be like,

"When you fall asleep,

I'm gonna piss in your mouth."

"stop!"

And my dad would be like,

"Quiet down in there!

I'm trying to

masturbate in the den!"

You can't do that stuff to kids

who have been in the system.

You can't do that stuff

to kids who have been in...

like, in house after house,

like, because they've been in

the system too long.

They're too rough.

Like, I tried to pull this stuff

on this kid named, like, Teddy.

I tried to pull it.

You know, I was, like,

on the top bunk and I was like,

"Hey, Teddy."

And he was like, "What?"

And I was like,

"When you fall asleep..."

"... I'm gonna pee

in your mouth."

And he was like,

"You piss in my mouth, I'm gonna

bite your dick off."

And I was like, "Good night!"

Like, terrified.

Like, every Saturday morning,

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