Donald Glover Weirdo Page #8

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we would come down

and we would, like,

rule the whole house, 'cause

there was, like, a bunch of us,

not including my cousins that

would come over sometimes,

and some kids my mom

would babysit.

So there's like a bunch of us,

there's eight of us

just jumping around,

banging around the walls,

just like going crazy

and my mom would be like,

"Get these kids out of here,

they're driving me nuts."

And my...

Where do you want to go?

Where do you want to go

on a Saturday morning

more than anywhere else,

where do you want to go?

Where?

Where?

Park.

Park, I heard park.

Chuck E. Cheese makes me

really sad.

Someone had a stepdad.

"Yeah, Chuck E. Cheese,

whatever.

I'm gonna go call your new mom."

Oh, "new mom" hit a sore spot

for a lot of people.

No, but it was like...

Yeah, you go to

Toys R' Us, guys.

Toys R' Us.

That's where you want to go.

Toys R' Us was

the illest place on Earth.

It was so dope.

Like, Toys R' Us was so dope,

you didn't even need to go home

with anything.

That was how awesome it was.

Sometimes you just

want to hang out there,

just look at all the new stuff,

get on bikes,

like, ride 'em in the aisles.

And somebody'd be like,

"Hey, get off that,

you can't do that!"

And you'd be like,

"Oh, I'm sorry."

And as soon as they turn

the corner, you'd be like...

"Ahh, f*** you!"

Just run around, be awesome.

But like, we would always ask

to go to Toys R' Us.

We'd go, like, "Dad,

Dad, can we go to Toys R' Us?

We really want to go

to Toys R' Us."

My dad would be like, "You guys

want to go to Toys R' Us?"

We'd be like,

"Yeah, we really want to!

Let's go to Toys R' Us!"

He'd be like,

"Well, get in the van.

We're like, "Yes, we're going

to Toys R' Us!

We're going to Toys R' Us,

we're going to Toys R' Us."

Toys R' Us dance.

We get in the van, we're like

all happy and stuff,

like, yes, we're going to Toys

R' Us, we're going to Toys...

We're going to Toys R' Us!

Toys R' Us!

Toys R' Us!

And we never went to Toys R' Us.

We never went to Toys R' Us.

We always went to f***ing

Auschwitz for kids,

f***ing Home Depot.

F***ing worst...

Worst place on Earth.

F***ing hate Home Depot.

I hate it.

It's the worst place, 'cause

that's where your childhood

goes to die, it really is.

It's where your childhood

goes to die.

The second... The one day

you walk into a Home Depot

and you're like, "Oh, knobs,"

you're dead.

You're dead inside.

'Cause all of us have had that

moment when we're at Home Depot

and was like, "Oh, that's a cute

little mailbox."

Bury your dreams 'cause

you're not a kid anymore.

You're dead.

And we would always go in there

and it's the worst place

as a kid,

it's the worst place ever,

because you want to touch stuff,

you want to hang out, and then,

just a bunch of

quiet adults

looking around like,

"Oh, don't touch that,

that's sharp.

Hmm, I can make

my house a mansion."

No, you can't.

You can't make your house a

mansion with a bunch of 2 X 4s.

Like, it's not gonna do

anything.

So it was me,

my brother and this new kid

we had just gotten named Terry,

and he was new, brand new.

And we go in there, we're like,

"Hey, come on, let's go."

He's like, "What?"

And we go to the toilet section

and we pretend to take shits.

Like, that was a fun thing.

We'd go to the toilet section

and pretend to make poops.

Like, we'd go over to the toilet

and be like...

"I ate a lot of beans," like,

and that was, like, a fun thing.

"Ooh, I must have had

a lot of fruit."

Like, that was, like

the fun... the fun thing to do.

And Terry went over and took

a real sh*t.

And I remember it so vividly

because he pulled down

his pants.

And I remember thinking...

he doesn't have to do that.

And he sat down

and he just goes...

And he gets up.

And me and my brother

look at each other.

And no one in here knows fear

until you've seen a dry turd

in the middle of Home Depot...

at 11:
00 a.m. in the morning.

People are eating waffles

and jogging.

People are like,

"Muah, I love you, honey,

I'm gonna go to work."

And someone pooped in the middle

of Home Depot.

And I think my brother

kind of lost it for a second.

He kind of went crazy

for one second,

'cause he was like...

"I'm... I'm...

I'm gonna try and flush it."

I was like, "What are you

talking about?

"There's no water!

"We're in the middle of

Home Depot!

We're right by

a washing machine!"

And like... We're freaking out.

"We're dead, we're dead,

we're gonna die.

"We're dead meat.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die,

we're dead meat."

And then, like, I look over at

Terry and Terry's freaking out,

he's like, "I don't wanna go

back to the house.

I don't want to

go back to the other place."

And I just grabbed him and I was

like, "Get it together, Terry!

"Get your sh*t together.

"We are no longer children.

"You took that

away from us, man.

"You took that away from us.

Get your sh*t together."

So, we're freaking out, like,

"what are we gonna do?"

And I'm like, "Okay,

I'm the oldest, I'm the oldest.

Okay, I'm the oldest."

So I run to the toilet-seat

section,

pick up a toilet-seat box,

and just put it on top.

Still in the box,

just a box with a picture of

a toilet seat on it,

on top of a turd.

And I look at my brothers

and I was like,

"Let's just fade away, guys.

"Blood oath, right?

Just fade away."

And then for, like...

like for five minutes.

Like, my little brothers, like,

they hid underneath some, like,

2 X 4s for, like five minutes,

and like for ten minutes,

I hid in, like, some rakes.

Just be...

super quiet.

And for the next five minutes,

we were the most well-behaved

kids in Home Depot history.

Like we were the most...

Like kids are just going,

"I don't wanna be here."

And we were like,

"What's wrong with that kid?

Need a back massage, Dad?"

And my Dad was like, "Whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's... What's going on?"

And we, like,

look at him and he goes,

"You want to go to Toys R' Us."

"All right, well, you didn't

have to work that hard,

it's okay."

And he goes and me and my

brother look at each other and...

"What the f***?

"We... we gotta sh*t in stuff

more often.

We have to poop

in stuff more often."

But we look over at Terry

and Terry's losing it,

he's never

lied like that before.

So he's just standing there...

He can't look at my dad,

he's like, freaking out,

shaking and stuff like that,

I'm like, "Terry,

we're almost home-free.

"Just hold on,

we're almost there.

Just hold on, we're

almost there."

And that's when we hear it.

That's when we hear the loudest

sound I've ever heard

in my entire life.

And it was...

"Oh, my God!"

And it was the...

oldest Asian woman

I've ever seen,

just on the ground, like...

"Poop!

Poop"

And she didn't know much

English, but she knew "poop,"

and she was screaming it.

And the manager runs over,

he's like,

"What's... what's wrong?

What's going on?

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