Doors Open Page #7

seen me or recognised me cos if he had,

the police would've called.

Yeah, OK.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Er, Professor Gissing.

Yes, inspector, how can I help you?

Really? That's...

That's absolutely awful!

Wh... Yes.

Well, if you think I could be

of any assistance, natur...

No, no, no, not at all.

I'd be completely delighted.

Absolutely, I look forward

to seeing you, inspector. Goodbye.

Our friends, the police. What?

It seems a van full of paintings

was discovered,

stolen works of art,

some sort of bungled robbery,

and they want me

to authenticate the works.

(SIGHS) It's, erm, not exactly

an unexpected surprise.

Who else would they ask?

I am more or less the

world's leading authority

on those paintings.

I think that calls for

three more whiskies, don't you?

Yes. Yes.

Is this it? Aye.

Help yourself.

That's really good, darling.

You should stick in at that.

What would you know about it,

you big arse?

(LAUGHS)

Detective Inspector Ransome,

I presume?

Yes. Professor Gissing.

I'm here to authenticate

the pictures.

I gather they've all been found.

Looks like it.

Any idea who the perpetrators were?

None.

Bunch of amateurs, by the

looks of things. Not so

amateur if they were able to

get in and out undetected.

Mm. Erm, are there

any other works missing?

We don't think so, but

we're gonna have to go

through the rest of the collection.

(CHUCKLES)

That's not a job

for the faint-hearted. No.

Something must have made them panic.

Anyway, the good news

is that these beautiful

pictures have been

returned unharmed,

and if that's so, it's

important that they're

placed back in the collection

as soon as possible.

(BUZZER)

"Hello?" Hi. Erm, it's me.

"Come up."

Hi. Erm...

I left you a message but... You OK?

(SIGHS)

Yeah, it's been a crazy 24 hours.

You heard about the robbery? Mm.

The police wanted to talk to us

and Bruce got hurt.

Is he OK? Yeah, ish.

Poor Bruce.

Erm, can I come in?

It's a fake.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. No doubt at all.

So you, er, you're really leaving,

then?

Well, yeah, I said I was.

Did you think I was making it up?

No, no. Where you gonna go?

Haven't decided.

Right.

I'd offer you a drink but, erm...

It's over, Mike.

With me and Bruce.

I, er... I called things off.

Erm, yeah, er...

OK. I've tried really hard to...

forget about you and just move on

but...

..you're the only person I'm thinking

about whenever you're not there. So...

Yep.

OK. I have to ask you a question.

Yeah? Why do you never look back

when you say goodbye?

What?

Whenever I drop you off anywhere,

like the train station or airport, you

say goodbye but you never look back.

And I always have to look back.

So the conclusion that I came to

was that I needed you

more than you needed me.

That's not true. The

other night you swanned

off into the sunset

and didn't look back

and the conclusion I

came to then was that I

was never gonna see you again.

OK, erm...

Why did you never look back?

Because I knew you would be there.

Because... I knew you loved me.

That makes sense.

I do love you.

I'm still in love with you.

I never stopped.

Well... I still love you, too.

And I never stopped.

Hang on. Wait. Hey. Hm?

I have to tell you something.

Right, let's get this over with.

You stole our painting?

Well, you see,

I didn't know you were coming back.

You... You idiot!

Mike! And the others?

What are they getting out of this?

Well, Allan's broke

and he saw it as a way out.

And Robert, well,

Robert wanted to liberate them.

Steal them, you mean. He wanted to

steal them for himself.

Well, we replaced them

with fakes and we put the

fakes in a van to be

discovered by the police.

Where are the originals?

Where are they now?

They're in Robert's cottage.

Well, all except one, which we had to

give to a guy named Calloway and, well,

it's probably in Newcastle by now.

Hi, Laura.

Hi...

..Allan. Does she know everything?

Yeah. Right.

Have you told the police?

No, Allan, no, because you are going to

put the paintings back. All of them.

I can't see Robert agreeing to that.

TV:
"Police are still

looking into the"

baffling events surrounding

a bungled robbery"

at the Midlothian Repository

during Doors Open Day yesterday.

"It seems that the thieves,

who stole..."

(CHILDREN SHOUT)

Charlie. Charlie!

What?

Oh, here we go.

No, not picking up. He's probably still

driving on his way back to the cottage.

(LAUGHS) Did you two really,

really honestly believe that you

were gonna get away with this?

Hm? I mean, the fakes

may have bought you some time,

but what about all the things

you didn't fake? What?

The drawings.

The Picasso, the Matisse?

No idea what you're talking about.

There are over a dozen things

missing.

And we haven't even got halfway

through the inventory.

Hang on, we took

seven paintings.

That's it.

And we had fakes for every one.

I have to go and find Robert.

Allan, you stay here. Yeah.

You wanna come with me?

I had no idea. I trust...

Listen, it's Sunday.

I'm a religious man. Yeah. I should

be on the golf course. Yeah.

Instead I'm up here in jock land

collecting bad debts.

I trusted you, Charlie.

I helped you out.

And you ripped me off.

I swear to you... Shut up. Yes.

It's simple. You've got

this afternoon to sort this mess out

or I'm cutting my losses

the old-fashioned way.

And then getting home to Newcastle in

time for Downton Abbey. You understand?

Yep. I understand.

Mike?

Is this him?

That's his wee girlfriend.

Done a bolt then, has he,

this mate of yours?

It's not good. No.

No.

Get yourself some chips?

Hello, Charlie.

(GROANS)

Where's Mike?

Hello?

They should be in here.

Wow. He's cleared the place out.

How much do you think it's all worth?

Well, the paintings you lot took,

almost a million,

but if you count the prints he's

taken, it's a couple of million,

at least.

I'm so sorry, Mike.

Sonofabitch.

I'm gonna have to phone Allan.

"(PHONE RINGS)"

Allan. Mike?

Oh, thank God. Erm...

"What's wrong?"

Mike, you better hurry and come down to

Calloway's office here. Why? What for?

"It's all gone a bit tits-up,

really."

I'm really sorry. Look, hurry up,

Mike. They're coming to get you...

Thought you'd get away with giving me

a fake, did you? Listen, Charlie...

You've got my picture,

I've got your friend.

Charlie, I haven't got your painting.

Get your arse down to my office

right now.

Mike.

Mike!

Who's that? Who?

Jesus, that was quick.

What's wrong? I'm gonna

have to go with those

guys and I want you to

do something for me.

Take the keys, wait until I'm gone,

drive to the hotel, and if I'm not back

within an hour, you call the police.

Why? What's happening?

Do you remember I told

you about a guy called Calloway?

Uh-huh.

Robert's given him a fake painting and

he was gonna use it to pay off a debt.

He thinks I've got the original.

They've got Allan.

They've got Allan? Yeah.

For Christ sake, Mike,

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