Doors Open Page #6

I promise.

Welcome to Midlothian Repository

here on Doors Open Day.

Most of you will be

amazed at the astonishing

collection of art which

this building contains.

But first, some basic housekeeping.

In the unlikely event of a fire,

the main exit is through reception,

then out to the muster point,

which is on the flagstones

in front of the building.

Right, get our gloves on.

Right, if you'd just like to follow

me into the repository itself,

the tour can begin.

This way.

(CHILDREN LAUGH)

Come on, darling!

Do you want to play football or not?

Here you go.

I know it looks far

but it's not really.

Don't forget to look up.

Pretend you're in a cruise ship.

Keep up at the back.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we're

about to enter the restricted area

so I'm afraid there are one or two

more rules and regulations. Excuse me.

Sorry. Er, I need the toilet.

OK, er, back down the corridor,

second door on your left.

We'll wait here for you. I'll need

to swipe you through. Thank you.

Try not to be too long.

So once we go through

the doors, do not touch

any of the artworks.

Some of them are extremely valuable.

If anyone feels unwell,

the air quality is slightly strange

due to climate control.

If you do feel unwell,

let me know as soon as you can.

Some of man's earliest art has been

discovered in Aberdeenshire,

decoratively carved stone balls

dating from the...

(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS AND BUZZES)

(MOBILE PHONE BUZZES)

(ALARM RINGS) Fire alarm.

Right, back to the muster point.

Straight through reception.

Follow me.

Right, team, let's get to it.

Not again.

Quickly, without running.

Straight to the muster point.

Swiftly but safely. Thank you.

20 minutes. Go.

(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)

Bingo.

We're three short.

Mr Reynolds.

Mr Gainsborough.

Ms Stanton. It's not as though it's a

real fire, is it? That's not the point!

Open sesame.

You take the low numbers,

I'll take the high numbers.

(HUMS)

(ALARM RINGS)

Here's the fake. In you go with it,

as fast as you can.

See, swipe in, swipe out.

That's what I did.

Swipe in, swipe out.

I did exactly what you did.

I think you've broke it.

I did exactly what you did!

(ALARM RINGS)

I think we should call the police.

The police? Oh, no, no.

That won't be necessary. No. Sorry,

are you challenging my authority?

We'll phone the police! We'll

phone the police! Thank you. OK!

(PANTS)

Just one more of these

to go and then we can

start replacing them with the fakes.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm only halfway through

the lithographs,

but there is all sorts of stuff

missing, just like I thought.

Psst! Mike!

I need your help.

So how does that art...

Look, we're running

out of time here.

Well, we've still got two paintings.

We haven't made the swap.

One of them

happens to be your boss's.

Oh. Whoa. That's not gonna work.

Grab the ladder.

Mr Cameron! Hi.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was hoping to get inside.

Oh, we're busy today.

We're too busy.

What are all these people

doing waiting outside?

It's a fire alarm drill thing.

It's all right for

authorised personnel, yeah?

No, you can't go in!

(ALARM RINGS)

Mike. Swipe card.

They're not letting anyone in.

Can you come out, please?

That might be a bit tricky.

I can't get out. My card won't work.

(DOOR BUZZES)

Mike.

(DOOR PANEL BEEPS)

It's just not working.

Allan. The swipe card.

Allan.

The swipe card, Allan.

Hello. Are you here for

the Doors Open tour?

Er, no, no, I'm authorised.

I'm with the bank. I've got my card.

Oh. I can't let anyone go

in at the moment. We've

evacuated the building

cos of a fire alarm.

(ALARM RINGS)

Yeah, I understand that, but at the

moment, we can't let anyone go in.

Just until the fire brigade

give the all-clear.

(SHOUTS)

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Mike? What's the matter?

Charlie, you're gonna have to call

Brighty. We're stuck in here.

You'll have to get him

to reprogram all the doors to open.

Oh, you're an amateur idiot!

Aghhh!

Allan...

..stop it. Yeah.

"I need you to go in again." No.

"It's too dangerous."

Brighty, just do it.

(SIGHS) All right. All right.

Right, I'm phoning Charlie.

I'm gonna go round the back.

All right? You

really shouldn't leave

the muster point

until the fire brigade

have given the all-clear.

I have authorisation. You can't go in!

Why not?

You don't have clearance

! I've got plenty of clearance.

Calm down. It's all right.

Crikey.

(DOOR BEEPS) Yes!

(DOOR BEEPS)

"(PHONE RINGS)" Come on, Charlie,

pick up! Right, we're out of time.

Start the engine, we're out of here.

But the boss's painting.

He can get another one. Come on,

we're out of time! Start the engine!

(MUFFLED ARGUING)

Oh, my God! Oh, sh*t.

I didn't know he was there. What was

he doing? Christ, you've killed him.

Don't be stupid! Get him shifted!

And get back in the van!

Jonny! Jonno, Jonno! Come here!

You know my name now, eh?

Give me a hand!

Mike! We've still got the fakes!

They're supposed to be in the vault!

Mike! Come on! Let's go!

Give me 30 seconds.

Mike, what are you doing? Mike!

Where's he going? Mike!

Wait! Wait, two minutes! Mike!

We need to get out of here!

Two minutes. No, not two minutes!

(ALL SHOUT)

Move!

What are you doing? Mike!

Mike! Come on, come on!

Two minutes. Two minutes.

(SHOUTING) Allan, I'm here!

Go, go, go!

(TYRES SCREECH) Allan!

Quickly! Allan!

Come on! I'm not gonna do this again!

Bruce?

Jesus, he's still coming!

Get him in! Come on, get him in!

(TYRES SCREECH)

Right, he's in. Come on, Jonno, go!

(SIREN WAILS)

You didn't call the police, did you?

They were engaged.

Jonno, not too fast.

Are you insane. What kind of

getaway car doesn't go too fast?

We don't wanna draw attention

to ourselves. Great.

Now we've got the originals

and the fakes. Yeah,

change of plan. Don't

worry, I've got an idea.

Now, Mr Calloway,

it is absolutely essential

that you keep her away from any extremes

of temperature, moisture or light. Right.

OK, in you go. Tenderly, tenderly.

(DISTANT SIRENS)

This bit of business,

you know what it means, don't you?

It means I know your sh*t

and you know my sh*t,

and that goes for your boys,

as well.

I'll pass it on. You do that.

You lads ditch the fakes.

I'll take this one to Newcastle.

Hello, police?

Aye. There's this abandoned van

down by the docks.

Looks a bit dodgy, you know?

Aye, it's just down by the water,

you know?

OK.

Are you sure Bruce didn't get a good

look at you? Absolutely positive.

And even if he had, your disguises were

so brilliant, he'd be none the wiser.

We'll have left a clue.

A fibre of cloth or a stray hair

and tyre tracks by the caravan.

I've seen CSI.

(LAUGHS) Allan, if you could just kerb

your natural pessimism for a second,

we set out to do something

and we did it.

The police will find the van

with the fakes.

They'll think the thieves have

panicked and just... made off.

Yes. And let's face it, Bruce can't have

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