Doors Open Page #5

installed most of the security

systems in Edinburgh.

Money. Can I have the money?

Right. I'll be two minutes.

All right, Brighty? Charlie!

30 minutes my arse!

Midlothian Repository.

Paintings. I need the security

system to not work. Piece of piss.

Usual rules.

I'll get you in then I'll be long

gone like a turkey in the corn.

Untraceable.

Jesus, Brighty!

You need to lighten up a bit, son.

That's why I cook. Helps me relax.

I'm getting in here at 11:20

in the van. Correct.

You're going in the van

with Glenno and Jonno.

What about the paintings?

You'll sort that out, Professor.

Right, eyes to me, Glenno, Jonny.

Jonno.

Now, a work of art consists

essentially of four elements.

The frame itself, of course, a canvas,

a stretcher board and the splines,

that's these little wedge-like things

that keep everything embedded in place.

Charlie, Mike's been in the papers

and everyone knows the professor.

If they see him driving up

in a cleaning van, they'll

know he's not a cleaner.

We'll have disguises.

But only Allan,

Mike and the professor.

Are we getting disguises? What do you

need disguises for? I don't know...

It's not a fancy dress

costume party, it's a robbery.

OK? Yeah, fine.

Right. We've got five days to go.

Get yourselves ready

and do what you need to do.

(MUSIC DROWNS OUT VOICES)

Hey, darling, we've done it.

"We have got a buyer and the bank want

us to start negotiating a contract."

Oh, that's... great! "Yeah, I know."

Yeah, that's great, Bruce. Yep.

New York, here we come. (LAUGHS)

"How's the inventory coming along?"

Well, Robert's left it in a right mess,

but I've got half the paintings logged.

And then there's

the print collection.

It's a bit of a nightmare.

Oh, well, you know, do your best.

All right. "All right,

I'll see you soon." OK, bye.

Hurry up. Yeah, OK.

"Love you. Bye." Bye.

All I want really is to sell it as

quickly and painlessly as possible.

OK, no problem. As I said,

it's a very good property.

Go!

(LAUGHS)

Yes! (LAUGHS)

Well done, Jonny.

I'm Glenn. He's Jonno.

Gotcha.

Aye, good. Good. Good, eh? Aye.

(CHUCKLES)

What have you been up to, Robert?

(SIGHS)

RADIO:
'..changeable

from Saturday morning.

So if you're heading out early

for Doors Open Day tomorrow,

you might want to take an umbrella.'

Where the hell is Mike?

Shall I ring him again?

Don't worry, Allan.

He'll meet us in the pub.

That's ridiculous,

everybody can ride a bike.

We're not actually going

cycling, though, are we?

No, but the point is,

we go into the pub

and we talk about cycling,

we draw attention to ourselves

and then bright and early we leave and

everyone will assume we've gone cycling.

It's like, erm... It's like putting

a beautiful frame around a picture.

It just sets up the whole story.

I think I'll ring Mike again.

What do you think?

Oh, Allan, get a grip!

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Oh, for the love

of God, Allan, not again!

Hi, Laura.

Wanna sit down here?

(CHURCH BELLS CHIME)

I heard you sold the business.

Yeah. Should've done it years ago.

My heart's not really in it anymore.

Well, what will you do?

I don't know.

I haven't really thought about it.

Look, Laura, what are we doing?

I thought we were done.

Yeah.

Well, go and get married

and... be happy.

I'm not gonna bother you anymore.

Yeah, I didn't come here to talk

about us, Mike. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry.

I came here to talk about Robert.

What about him? Well, I'm doing

the inventory for the collection

and... well, it's a mess.

Well, you know what he's like.

I don't know, I just

hope he hasn't done anything

stupid, that's all.

Well, I think Robert's more than

capable of looking after himself.

Yeah. Well, I just thought

I'd tell you as a friend.

A friend?

Laura, Robert's my friend.

What did you mean when you said

your heart's not in it?

Just being here, doing this,

doesn't really make sense anymore.

Why? Ah, come on. Why do you think?

Mike... Don't.

Don't. Don't do that.

You should probably go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's my girl.

Yeah, I used to be obsessed

with cycling when I

was younger and I gave it

up for years and years

and just recently started again.

I looked at myself in

the mirror and I thought,

"This is the way forward"

cos the scenery, the hills

are just right, whereas

the gym is the most boring

place in the world.

Where the hell's Mike?

Shall I give him another call?

Relax, Allan. He'll be here.

Drink up, it's your round.

More of the same, please.

RADIO:
'And for those of

you looking for something

to do with the family

this Saturday morning,

don't forget about Doors Open Day.

This increasingly popular annual event

is happening right across the city today

with more than 50 of Edinburgh's

less accessible premises

and landmarks

opening their doors...'

It's my mistake.

I should never have suggested

that you come along.

(SNIFFS) I should never have come.

Well, it's better to find out now,

though, isn't it?

What you really want.

I don't know what I really want.

I think getting married to me would've

been rather reckless, wouldn't it? Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, me, too.

I'll see you down the repository.

I'm going for a walk.

Come in. Do you copy? Do you copy?

All right, McKenzie? Aye. I thought

you'd bottled it. Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Hi, Mike. Morning. Do you copy me?

Are you copying me? Yes?

Hello.

Where the hell were you last night?

It's OK. Er, something came up,

but it's sorted now. It better be.

If you've compromised the mission, Mike...

If I've compromised the mission?

Allan, we're only gonna

swap a couple of

paintings, we're not taking

on a terrorist cell.

Yeah. Sorry.

The fakes are in the van.

Put your mobiles in here.

You get them back

when we're back at base.

What?

Should we synchronise watches?

There's no need for that.

As soon as Mike

sends a blank text

from inside the vault,

everyone begins. Brighty's in place.

Remember, these phones are

disposable for a reason.

I'm trying to raise

Glenno on this

and he's just not answering.

Shall we try being on

the same channel?

Ready? Yes. Yes.

Don't mess up. No.

Come on, get in!

Make sure the pictures are secure.

(GEARS CRUNCH) Oh.

Oh, dear.

(BRAKES SCREECH)

The gearbox is a bit slippy.

(BRAKES SCREECH) Oh, sorry!

(MEN SHOUT)

(GEARS CRUNCH) Come on!

(LAUGHS) Hold on.

Hi, Mike, it's Laura. Erm... I...

I need to talk to you.

So could you... call me back

as soon as you get this.

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Good morning!

Morning. The cleaners

at the usual time. Aye.

Where's Billy? Erm, er, he's sick.

Oh, that'd be right,

the lazy bugger!

You here for Doors Open Day?

This way.

Make your way over to the building.

That's it. Keep coming.

Hi, Martin.

Good morning, Miss Stanton.

I wasn't expecting you.

It's not a good day.

We've got all these visitors.

I'll just be in the print room. It'd be

better if you come back another time.

I won't get in anybody's way,

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