Doors Open Page #4

Should be about two minutes now.

And you can trust this guy, can you?

Wee Martin?

Oh, yes, he's

completely trustworthy.

Well, he's completely dishonest.

Doesn't look very secure, does it?

Well, it is Doors Open Day, don't

forget. You're practically invited.

OK. And how do we get out again? I mean,

never mind getting to the vaults.

Well, we need a card like Robert.

Yes.

One of these.

Got a sort of chip on it.

See, every time you swipe

one of those, it recognises you

and allows you pre-programmed

privileges and access. That's right.

So why don't we just use Robert's?

No, unfortunately,

since I was designated

persona non grata,

it doesn't work anymore.

Anyway, it's got my name on it.

Then once we're inside the building,

we set off the fire alarm,

get everybody else out

and leave us inside. (ALARM RINGS)

Bingo. Wee Martin's set the alarm.

Robert, can you pass me

those binoculars? Yep. Here.

Thanks. They have a fire drill every month.

Fanatical about it.

Stragglers are executed on site.

Here.

Who's that with Wee Martin?

He's the fire officer,

someone who takes his job

very seriously indeed.

We still don't know

how to get the fakes in yet, though.

There's a cleaning van.

Cleaning van.

Cleaning van.

Charlie, there's a bloke

wants to talk to you.

Somebody wanting to buy their

telly back half price?

No, I don't think so.

Who the hell are you?

You don't need to know who I am.

Mr Carter sent me.

He wants his money.

Hate? What does the other one say?

Also hate.

OK, very good.

I'll give you one week.

You let me know

when you get the money.

If not, I'll be back on Friday.

Friday. Good. Good.

Would anyone believe I was

a cleaner? Do I look like a cleaner?

Sorry, where do we get the cleaning

van from? We don't know yet.

But let's just assume we can get one.

So I would drive the van, looking

like a cleaner, with the fakes,

and you would bring in the originals

which we'd swap from the vault. Yeah.

Sorry, how do we get into the vaults

and why are we swapping frames?

This is why this is

a planning meeting.

How is this a planning meeting

when we don't have a plan? (BUZZER)

Pizza.

I really don't know why

more people don't do this

heist lark for a hobby

. It's very simple, really.

Take the fake paintings to the warehouse

in a van that we don't have...

Yep... the camera will snap

our pictures cos we don't

know how to disable it

. But that doesn't matter.

Cos the camera's in the vaults which

we can't get into. Allan, please.

One quattro stagioni,

one Fiorentino, one American hot.

(LAUGHS) How you doing, Charlie?

Good, aye! I saw the wee

boy out front on his

wee bike and I thought

I'd save him the trip.

Gonna invite me in?

I hope you're not losing your nerve.

Are you losing your nerve?

Gentlemen, we have a guest.

Er, Charlie,

this is Allan and Robert.

Robert, Allan, this is Charlie.

How you doing?

Yeah, no, fine. Good.

Did you want something, Charlie?

Erm, I was just passing so I thought,

call in, just for old time's sake.

I hear you were at

the Midlothian Repository today.

Funny place for an afternoon out.

That's my patch, Mike.

If there's anything I can give you

a hand with down there,

anything at all,

you just let me know, OK?

It's a terrible idea.

He's a total nutter.

I think it makes complete sense.

We need somebody who understands how

you get access to security systems,

who knows the whys and wherefores of how

you get a van that cannot be traced.

Do you realise how much trouble we're

about to get into, Mike? No, seriously.

And do you know how much

trouble we're gonna

get into if we try to

do this on our own?

And I've known Charlie Calloway

since I was a boy.

Yeah, something I don't understand.

Hm? What's that?

Why didn't you take the fake?

I mean, it looks exactly the same.

It's not remotely the same.

It's just a picture, Mike.

It's not like it's a kid or a dog

or something, it's just a picture.

I've only got pictures.

And that particular picture represents

the three happiest years of my life.

And one way or another,

it's coming with me when I go.

Go where?

I haven't made my mind up yet.

But I'm going.

That's Mike McKenzie!

Nice wheels.

Wondered how long it'd take you.

How you doing, Charlie?

I haven't seen you around here

for a long while.

Still looks pretty much the same.

Aye. Can I have a word?

Aye. Theresa.

Go and tell your ma to put the

kettle on, we've got visitors. OK.

That one of yours? No, no.

She's my wee sister's bairn.

My sister Carol, Michael. Hiya.

Hey, Carol. You remember

the McKenzies, don't you?

From number 26. Oh, aye, of course!

Aye! Hiya! (LAUGHS)

Oh, they must have been

proud of you, eh? Yeah.

Aye! Queen's Award for Industry.

Yep.

Scotland's most eligible bachelor.

Aye, that was a while ago.

Howay! Thanks, Carol.

Handsome boy like you, you

must be fighting them off

with a shitty stick. What

would you say, Carol?

Eh?

Oh, aye, I'd shag him. (LAUGHS)

Now, listen, there's plenty

more biscuits in the

tin, so you two just help

yourselves, OK? Thanks.

So, what do you need?

OK, it's all sorted. Calloway's in.

Are you sure he can be trusted? Yes,

I'm sure. There's just one thing.

He wants a painting.

(LAUGHS) He wants a painting? What's

he gonna do with it, wipe his arse?

I think he's got himself

in over his head in some

business deal with some

gangster from Newcastle

and he wants to use it

as collateral to buy

himself some time. Give me strength!

Collateral?

And what sort of painting

would this gangster friend prefer?

Does he favour the abstract

expressionist or the figurative?

God, Robert, you're such a snob!

How dare you! I'm an elitist. There

is a difference, you know. Is there?

Anyway, he wants a John Smart.

He wants a Smart? Yeah, this Geordie

guy's been very specific.

He wants one of the landscapes.

Do you think

Westie's up to it? But Smart is...

He's a...

OK, look, Robert, we

either go with Calloway

or we forget the whole thing.

It's up to you.

But if we go with Calloway,

there's no turning back.

All right. Yes. You're right.

I'll get in touch with Westie.

Game on, as they say.

OK, I never work with amateurs

because their morals get in the way.

But I'm in a bit of a situation

myself,

plus the fact

you have some inside knowledge

and because Mikey's

bankrolling this operation

and I've known Michael for...

30 years... well

more than 30 years, so

I'm making an exception.

First things first. How to get you

from here in Sighthill

to here at the repository

without leaving a trail on CCTV.

If you travel by car, ANPR technology means

they'll take a photograph of your face

and your number plate. So you two

will be travelling by bus.

Bus? Yes, bus.

Never been on a bus before?

Can we just get back to the point?

What do we do about

the CCTV at the repository?

That's where my friend

Brighty comes in. He's

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