Doors Open Page #3

I wanted a chance to explain

why I took the job.

Cos it's better that it's

you than somebody else.

Yes, it is.

Try telling that to Robert.

And Bruce? What about Bruce?

Well, you're together, obviously.

Yeah. We're engaged.

OK. Is that really that weird?

Yeah.

This shouldn't take long. Thanks.

Hi. You must be Mike.

I'm Bruce. How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

And you.

Everything all right? Yeah.

Good.

So. So, I hear you're handling the

bank's sale of the art collection.

Yes, that's right.

Well, I'd like to buy

one of the pictures.

The Monboddo portrait. Mike.

Well, erm,

since we're jumping right in, erm,

I'm afraid that despite what Professor

Gissing may have lead you to believe,

we are not aiming to

break up the collection.

Pretty much name your price.

God, you must really love Monboddo.

No, I'll stop you right there.

This isn't gonna be possible.

I'm sorry if you've had a wasted

journey. Name your price. Mike.

Christ, this is ridiculous.

I'm sorry. Laura, please.

Listen, Mike, in a couple of weeks,

this will all be done

and I see no reason for it

to be awkward or difficult.

After all, we are all adults here.

Speak for yourself.

Mike. Mike.

Please... (CUTLERY CLATTERS)

I'm sorry, Allan.

I thought I was safe.

Have you told Margot? No.

I don't know how

I'm gonna keep my family going.

The divorce was killing me

as it was. School fees.

Look, I can lend you something

to tide you over.

Thanks, Mike.

What about long-term?

Do you know what the re-employment

rate is for ex-bankers?

I'm gonna be driving a mini-cab

till I'm 70.

How much notice have they given?

Three months.

I told them to

stick it up their arse.

Was that wise? Probably not.

But it felt bloody good.

(SIGHS) Come on, drink up.

Where are we going? To see Robert.

He wants to show me something.

Oh, hello, Allan. I'm so sorry

to hear... Thanks, Robert.

So, what are we doing?

Come with me. A little surprise.

Oh, don't be put off by the smell.

It's a heavy mixture of linseed oil

and cannabis sativa.

Now then, Michael,

prepare to be amazed.

Oh, good God, Robert.

I'd almost forgotten

how beautiful she was. (CHUCKLES)

So what's she doing here?

Take a closer look.

It's a forgery. Damn good one, too,

if it had you fooled.

That is amazing.

Yes. Perfect in every detail.

Nailed it, didn't I?

Ah, Mr Westwater, hello!

These are the two gentlemen

I was telling you about.

Mike, Allan, meet Westie, a

former pupil of mine. Hi.

Westie spent a year

at the Art Institute in Beijing.

The Chinese method

has a lot to recommend it.

Eight hours a day, man,

just copying, copying, copying.

You painted this? Every detail.

And it's yours, Michael.

A present from me.

Since the original is

more than a little unobtainable.

Well, it's great. Shall we go, then?

Thanks, Robert.

Almost exactly like the real thing.

Mm. But it's not, is it?

That's the thing of it.

Most people would be

more than satisfied,

but you and I, we're

different, aren't we?

What about me? You're a banker,

Allan, so you have no soul.

(LAUGHS) Ex-banker.

God, you've really been thinking about

this, haven't you? Oh, indeed I have.

I always knew this day would come.

And so I took full advantage of

my privileged access to the works

and the tools at my disposal.

But unfortunately, with that access

now denied, we must work quickly

to complete and execute.

To swap the fakes for the originals.

And you don't think anybody's

gonna notice? What's to notice?

All the paintings will

be present and correct.

Only we will know otherwise.

And if the day would come

when they happen to discover

that their prize collection

isn't quite what they

thought it was, won't

that be rather delicious?

I'm going to need more money

for materials.

Ah.

Hm.

Mike, you have everything. Well,

I suppose I've got everything I need.

It's just that Bruce

Cameron's got the only two

things that I want. So

I've made a decision.

I've decided that he can have one or

the other, but he's not having both.

Would you be that bloody minded?

Yes, I bloody would.

Well, you're mad. Possibly.

Robert seems pretty determined,

doesn't he? Yes, he does.

I can't see what's in it for me, though.

I'm not into all this art stuff.

Well, if it's just reasons you're looking

for, Allan, I can give you a couple.

Like?

Like you'd be getting two paintings

worth about 200 grand each

and maybe more if you choose wisely.

So that's over 400,000 that Margot

wouldn't be able to get her hands on.

There's one for you. Yeah,

but I couldn't sell them, could I?

Laura used to say you can sell

anything if you know how.

I didn't realise.

And then, of course, you'd be

getting one over on the bank,

which must seem like quite

an attractive prospect at the moment.

So there's two.

Yeah.

All right, then, so that's agreed.

Bit of reciprocity, yes?

And all in good

faith, of course.

You scratch my back, I'll scratch

yours. Sort of quid pro quo.

Aye, fair enough.

Right, all the best, professor.

Thank you.

So? What's he up to now?

I'm not too sure, but I think

there might be a few quid in it.

OK, so, obviously it goes without saying

that this is a bloody stupid idea

and if any one of us wants

to pull out, we can

do so at any point. Agreed?

BOTH:
Agreed.

So, where to start.

We have to work out how

to gain entry to the

repository undetected with

how many fake paintings?

We couldn't handle more

than two each, so six.

I only want the Monboddo.

Well, we could still manage six,

but five...

So first up, how to gain entry undetected.

I believe you have an idea.

Indeed I do. I take it you're all

familiar with Doors Open Day,

when the buildings that are usually

inaccessible are open to the public.

I took the kids to St Bernard's Well

last year. Exactly.

Bored out of my brain.

Yes, but the point is,

this year the bank

is opening the repository

for Doors Open in two weeks' time.

So I took the liberty... Two weeks?

Yes... of putting your names down.

Not your real names.

Thing is, I am too

well kent of face and

frame to go in myself

cos I'm there every day.

But I'll find some

other way to get in

. But you can stroll in.

But there are CCTV cameras everywhere

so we'd be noticed. Unless...

I mean, unless we wore disguises,

you know...

Hm. Or we could find a way

to switch the CCTV off.

That's more like it.

Yeah, but how would we do that?

Come on, Charlie,

for God's sake, man!

Pay your rent! What can I tell you?

Times are tough.

The bairns wanna see the football!

Your team's shite.

I'm doing you a favour.

You owe me 250 quid!

Bang out of order!

I tell you, I never thought I'd be back

doing this, collecting door to door.

I blame all them

property programmes

. "Invest in property,

you cannae go wrong."

Just pull over by the entrance

and park normally. OK.

Sorry, how do I park normally?

Well, don't kerb crawl.

It'll make us look suspicious. Right.

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