Doors Open Page #3
- Year:
- 2012
- 120 min
- 82 Views
why I took the job.
Cos it's better that it's
you than somebody else.
Yes, it is.
Try telling that to Robert.
And Bruce? What about Bruce?
Well, you're together, obviously.
Yeah. We're engaged.
OK. Is that really that weird?
Yeah.
This shouldn't take long. Thanks.
Hi. You must be Mike.
I'm Bruce. How do you do?
Nice to meet you.
And you.
Everything all right? Yeah.
Good.
So. So, I hear you're handling the
bank's sale of the art collection.
Yes, that's right.
Well, I'd like to buy
one of the pictures.
The Monboddo portrait. Mike.
Well, erm,
since we're jumping right in, erm,
I'm afraid that despite what Professor
Gissing may have lead you to believe,
we are not aiming to
break up the collection.
Pretty much name your price.
God, you must really love Monboddo.
No, I'll stop you right there.
This isn't gonna be possible.
I'm sorry if you've had a wasted
journey. Name your price. Mike.
Christ, this is ridiculous.
I'm sorry. Laura, please.
Listen, Mike, in a couple of weeks,
this will all be done
and I see no reason for it
to be awkward or difficult.
After all, we are all adults here.
Speak for yourself.
Mike. Mike.
Please... (CUTLERY CLATTERS)
I'm sorry, Allan.
I thought I was safe.
Have you told Margot? No.
I don't know how
I'm gonna keep my family going.
as it was. School fees.
Look, I can lend you something
to tide you over.
Thanks, Mike.
What about long-term?
Do you know what the re-employment
rate is for ex-bankers?
I'm gonna be driving a mini-cab
till I'm 70.
How much notice have they given?
Three months.
I told them to
stick it up their arse.
Was that wise? Probably not.
But it felt bloody good.
(SIGHS) Come on, drink up.
Where are we going? To see Robert.
He wants to show me something.
Oh, hello, Allan. I'm so sorry
to hear... Thanks, Robert.
So, what are we doing?
Come with me. A little surprise.
Oh, don't be put off by the smell.
It's a heavy mixture of linseed oil
and cannabis sativa.
Now then, Michael,
prepare to be amazed.
Oh, good God, Robert.
I'd almost forgotten
how beautiful she was. (CHUCKLES)
So what's she doing here?
Take a closer look.
It's a forgery. Damn good one, too,
if it had you fooled.
That is amazing.
Nailed it, didn't I?
Ah, Mr Westwater, hello!
These are the two gentlemen
I was telling you about.
Mike, Allan, meet Westie, a
former pupil of mine. Hi.
Westie spent a year
at the Art Institute in Beijing.
The Chinese method
has a lot to recommend it.
Eight hours a day, man,
just copying, copying, copying.
You painted this? Every detail.
And it's yours, Michael.
A present from me.
Since the original is
more than a little unobtainable.
Well, it's great. Shall we go, then?
Thanks, Robert.
Almost exactly like the real thing.
Mm. But it's not, is it?
That's the thing of it.
more than satisfied,
but you and I, we're
different, aren't we?
What about me? You're a banker,
Allan, so you have no soul.
(LAUGHS) Ex-banker.
God, you've really been thinking about
this, haven't you? Oh, indeed I have.
I always knew this day would come.
And so I took full advantage of
my privileged access to the works
and the tools at my disposal.
But unfortunately, with that access
now denied, we must work quickly
to complete and execute.
To swap the fakes for the originals.
And you don't think anybody's
gonna notice? What's to notice?
All the paintings will
be present and correct.
Only we will know otherwise.
And if the day would come
when they happen to discover
isn't quite what they
thought it was, won't
that be rather delicious?
I'm going to need more money
for materials.
Ah.
Hm.
Mike, you have everything. Well,
I suppose I've got everything I need.
It's just that Bruce
Cameron's got the only two
things that I want. So
I've made a decision.
I've decided that he can have one or
the other, but he's not having both.
Would you be that bloody minded?
Yes, I bloody would.
Well, you're mad. Possibly.
Robert seems pretty determined,
doesn't he? Yes, he does.
I can't see what's in it for me, though.
I'm not into all this art stuff.
Well, if it's just reasons you're looking
for, Allan, I can give you a couple.
Like?
Like you'd be getting two paintings
and maybe more if you choose wisely.
So that's over 400,000 that Margot
wouldn't be able to get her hands on.
There's one for you. Yeah,
but I couldn't sell them, could I?
Laura used to say you can sell
anything if you know how.
I didn't realise.
And then, of course, you'd be
getting one over on the bank,
which must seem like quite
an attractive prospect at the moment.
So there's two.
Yeah.
All right, then, so that's agreed.
Bit of reciprocity, yes?
And all in good
faith, of course.
You scratch my back, I'll scratch
yours. Sort of quid pro quo.
Aye, fair enough.
Right, all the best, professor.
Thank you.
So? What's he up to now?
I'm not too sure, but I think
there might be a few quid in it.
OK, so, obviously it goes without saying
that this is a bloody stupid idea
and if any one of us wants
to pull out, we can
do so at any point. Agreed?
BOTH:
Agreed.So, where to start.
We have to work out how
to gain entry to the
repository undetected with
how many fake paintings?
We couldn't handle more
than two each, so six.
I only want the Monboddo.
Well, we could still manage six,
but five...
So first up, how to gain entry undetected.
I believe you have an idea.
Indeed I do. I take it you're all
familiar with Doors Open Day,
when the buildings that are usually
inaccessible are open to the public.
I took the kids to St Bernard's Well
last year. Exactly.
Bored out of my brain.
Yes, but the point is,
this year the bank
is opening the repository
for Doors Open in two weeks' time.
So I took the liberty... Two weeks?
Yes... of putting your names down.
Not your real names.
Thing is, I am too
well kent of face and
frame to go in myself
But I'll find some
other way to get in
. But you can stroll in.
But there are CCTV cameras everywhere
so we'd be noticed. Unless...
I mean, unless we wore disguises,
you know...
Hm. Or we could find a way
That's more like it.
Yeah, but how would we do that?
Come on, Charlie,
for God's sake, man!
Pay your rent! What can I tell you?
Times are tough.
The bairns wanna see the football!
Your team's shite.
I'm doing you a favour.
You owe me 250 quid!
Bang out of order!
I tell you, I never thought I'd be back
doing this, collecting door to door.
I blame all them
property programmes
. "Invest in property,
you cannae go wrong."
Just pull over by the entrance
and park normally. OK.
Sorry, how do I park normally?
Well, don't kerb crawl.
It'll make us look suspicious. Right.
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