Dorm Daze 2 Page #3

you're up for this grant at all.

You went from a 3.8 average

to what I can only describe...

as an embarrassing personal nose dive.

To what do you attribute

this pathetic decline?

Well, Dean Dryer,

I-I've been asking myself...

that very question over and over and...

Mmm-hmm.

I mean, who is Peter Michael Hanson?

Is he a conservative Republican?

A liberal Democrat?

How about just a lazy moderate?

Just lazy.

Uh, rest assured, whoever he is...

if... if he doesn't get this grant...

then he is gonna be doomed...

to wander this planet that we call Earth...

just... just pondering...

His very existence.

I mean, you... you don't...

you don't want that

on your conscience, now, do you?

Plus my dog just died.

Patches.

She could do a back flip.

Hey!

Excuse me.

Oh. Hey, Pete. Heh.

Cliff? What the hell are you doin' here?

I work here. I'm the bartender...

the pirate bartender. Har.

No sh*t.

Wh-when'd you start?

I jumped onboard at San Quista.

But don't tell anybody...

because you might get subpoenaed.

Right. Heh.

So how you been, man?

I'm OK, you know, ever since...

you got me fired

from my work-study program.

Uh, I'm stoned a lot...

and it's been pretty much

a downward spiral since then.

- That's awesome. Me, too.

- Yeah.

Well, how about a drink

on the house, man?

Wait. Let me first check with the boss.

OK.

He says all right.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...

and I use that term loosely.

Well, then, tonight we see the first...

of our two finalists

for the Dobmeyer Prize...

Womanizing Objects...

written by Sarah Beesik

of Woodson University.

Uh, I hear the choreography

is quite special.

So let's give them

a warm college cruise welcome.

Hello, man.

I am a...

vagina.

Why do you oppress me, man?

I long for...

freedom.

These are my...

breasts.

These are my...

bosoms.

- Those...

- Those...

- Are her...

- Are her...

- Cans.

- Cans.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy...

- Bouncy...

How delightfully post-modern.

Deliciously decadent.

I like b*obs.

This is the best play I've ever seen.

- Bouncy.

- Bouncy.

How could the judges give that play a 9.6?

It made no sense.

Don't worry, Robin.

Once the judges see your masterpiece,

they'll forget all about that tripe.

Now, let's think about this.

They had no actual play,

but they performed topless... 9.6.

We have a play,

so if our girls go full-frontal...

I think that'll put us over the top.

Shut up, Rusty.

You shut up, Marla. I'm just trying to help.

That shirt makes your b*obs look small.

All ship personnel, prepare for docking.

Ladies, drinks.

Oh, we should go salsa dancing.

Ooh. I love salsa dancing.

No dancing!

That's just an excuse for boys

to put their hands all over you.

Oh, you two make

such a cute lesbian couple.

Listen, gaybo.

Just because we've sworn off men...

doesn't mean that we are...

you know.

Ooh. Did I strike a nerve?

Get out of our room.

Oh, you two are so obviously in love

with each other...

and here I thought it was a beautiful thing.

Come, Gerri.

Let's leave these two lovebirds alone.

Can you believe him?

Mmm.

OK, how do I look?

Great.

Thanks.

Ooh. Your bra's poking out.

Oh. Heh. Us...

a couple? Heh heh.

You know what?

I think we look great. Let's go.

OK. Heh.

Robin.

Robin.

OK, so we have a multipart plan

for the evening.

What's up, dude?

We're gonna find some local exotic drugs...

and then we're gonna take them.

Dante.

Whoa. Uh...

You comin' onshore, or what?

Maybe I'll catch you later.

I have an errand to run.

- Boo!

- Boo! Drugs.

Whoa ho! Baby, you almost took me out.

You smell like brandy. What's wrong?

Look, Ms. Daniels,

I'm afraid I don't have time...

for this right now.

I have to go make a phone call.

I thought we were gonna have dinner.

I said I don't have time for this.

Wh-wh...

You see? This is exactly...

why you shouldn't fraternize

with the students.

I get too attached.

What?!

Kiss my ass, Rex! I'm not some...

Don't just walk away from me.

Get your boney white ass

over here right now.

Hey, Mrs. Bunkley.

You're lookin' quite hot tonight.

Come back when you've grown

a few inches, junior.

Oh. I'm growin' a few inches right now.

Wait. Now I'm more like eight or nine.

Remember who you're speaking to.

I'm the captain's wife.

Stukas. What a f***in' liar.

Gerri, I wanted to ask you

a question about men.

I know you've been with a lot of guys.

Uh, those guys don't really count.

That's when I was drinking a lot

freshman year.

But I've totally got my drinking

under control now.

Here's another kamikaze...

and your double rum and Coke.

Thanks.

What are you doing?

Trying to dance.

What are you doing?

Whoa. Hey.

Hey, Gerri.

Drunk enough to spread 'em for me yet?

I'll have another.

Zdorov'ye.

Da.

So they tell me you're the man to see

to, you know, get high.

What's that?

Is drugs.

Well, right, but I mean what kind?

Is it hash or what?

Yeah. Is drugs.

Is drugs.

You buy it.

It looks like tar.

Do you eat or or smoke it or what?

Yeah. Eat. Smoke. Is drugs.

You buy.

You buy.

Oh, finally. Some size fourteens.

I'll take the come-f***-me pumps.

Oh, hey. I'm, uh...

I'm looking for something to, uh,

slip in girls' drinks...

make 'em wanna have sex with me.

So, uh, just give me

the strongest thing you got...

like, uh, ground-up rhino penis

or something like that.

No, man. No rhino penis.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well, uh, what kind of penis do you have?

Man, that might have been

the best thing around here.

I mean, he said it was drugs.

Dude, I've seen a lot of drugs in my life...

and that sh*t did not look right.

Yeah.

You, Americans, you like gettin' high?

F***, yeah.

Native to this country...

is a monkey that feasts

on psychedelic molds...

that are poisonous to humans...

but if you grind up a monkey's bones...

the powder contain

all the psychedelic properties.

Dude, monkey bones.

Choo Choo, what have you got for Rolo?

Let's see.

What is this junk?

You stupid monkey.

You're supposed to steal me

jewelry and Rolexes.

You're useless, Choo Choo.

I should grind you up

and smoke you right now.

Two hundred dollars.

But we only have one hundred dollars.

Monkey bones are very valuable,

my friends.

One hundred dollars not enough.

Boys, you want monkey bones?

Come.

One hundred dollars,

I give you monkey bones.

This place keeps gettin' creepier.

But it is drugs.

True that.

Choo Choo.

Um, that's a whole live monkey.

With bones inside.

You can grind him up and smoke him.

This is a good deal.

We're gonna smoke

a little f***in' monkey, dude.

Ho ho!

Wait. Wait.

Land ho, maties!

Oh, that's Yellowbeard's Island.

We'll surely find the treasure now.

Captain, I know it.

Under the cave in the center rock...

is a... there's a treasure!

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