Dorm Daze 2 Page #6

when you're telling everyone...

where they were

and what they were holding...

you have to give 'em the item.

Robin, why do you insist

that we do this scene...

when you know that I don't know my lines?

You promised, Rusty.

If it makes you feel better, Robin...

I've been practicing carrying the jewel.

You wanna go run lines?

No. I'm gonna go rub one out.

Anybody see my catcher's mitt?

Booker, do I hand you the drink...

before or after you start telling me

about the war?

Oh. Um...

before, because you sit down...

during his line about the sinking ship.

Duh.

Thanks. Great.

That's pretty cool

you memorized the whole play.

It's great having a photographic memory.

Ahoy there, matey.

I'm Captain Bluebush,

Slut of the Seven Seas...

and I've come for your jewels,

family jewels.

Shove it harder. Yes.

Oh, yeah! Ohh!

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Spank me, you dirty pirate.

Oh, come on, yes.

And sink your ship in my treasure chest.

- Ohh!

- Yes!

Oh, yes. Ohh!

Ohh! Oh, God.

What is it?

Hi. I'd just like a word with you,

Mrs. Bunkley.

- I'm busy.

- Or should I call you...

Captain Bluebush?

Sh*t.

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

You're Summer Solstice, the porn star.

Wh-what do you want?

Well, if you don't want everyone

on this ship...

including your husband,

to know your little secret...

I will be requiring certain favors.

Like what?

Well, I... I saw you do this thing one time...

where you, uh, put your leg

behind your head...

Guatemalan face hat.

You're pushing it.

OK, OK, fine. Just, um, plain sex then...

missionary.

- You...

- Come on!

I mean, I'm a virgin here, for Christ's sake.

Nuns have had more sex than me!

OK! Look I mean,

I guess you're kind of cute.

All right, let's get this goin'.

Hello, my sweet.

My husband.

Honey.

Hi. I wasn't expecting you so soon.

Well, I really need to take a shower...

before I attend this evening's performance.

Oh, no. Heh heh. You smell just fine.

Find your own spot.

What the f*** are you doing here?

I was f***ing the captain's wife

until your ass showed up.

Get the f*** out.

Why don't we, um... take me now, Captain!

I need you.

Uh, well, I suppose I have a... a little time.

- I...

- Yes.

How about we take a shower together?

Oh!

Oh! Why, this water is freezing.

I mean, my goodness, that's cold.

Ha ha. What a day, I tell you. I'm exhausted.

- Uh...

- Yeah.

Uh, I better get a fresh towel.

Thank you.

I caught a pervert!

Listen, she invited me.

How dare you accuse my wife

of such a thing?

You're in for the beating of your life,

young man.

I'll have you know I was champion...

of my weight class in the Navy

two years running.

Listen, old man, I don't wanna...

insult my wife, will you?

Come back at 8:
40.

My husband will be at that stupid play.

But I'm in that stupid play.

It's 8:
40 or never.

Do I get some Guatemalan face hat?

Out.

Honey, you should probably call

the ship's doctor.

I'm almost done savaging

this Peeping Tom.

All right, here we go.

Yeah. OK.

Unh! Ow! It hurts.

Look, do you wanna look beautiful...

or do you wanna look like a cow?

OK, here we go.

Oh, God. I have to be back

to try on my costume.

No.

Put 'em back on. Put 'em back on.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm definitely looking at you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I've always been the hot one.

Yeah. If anyone was in love with anyone...

it was definitely you with me.

Excuse me?!

If there is a hot one, I am the hot one.

You are the stupid one.

Girls, girls,

you are both the stupid one, OK?

Now, come on. I have to finish your hair.

Places, people. First places.

Mike, you ready up there?

Mike?

Mike!

What?

What are you doing?

We start in ten minutes.

Get in the light booth.

Everything's all set.

Now!

Are you wet?

Why are you wet, Rusty?

Dry! Dry! Now go! Go! Go!

Stukas! You weren't at run-through today.

Are you drinking?

Ah, don't spray your panties.

I got all my lines down.

Swig?

So can I expect another visit

from you tonight?

That is never happening again.

Never, ever. Never, ever.

Well, I'll always have the photos.

She's got blonde hair,

and she's sitting in the back row.

This stuff tastes weird.

Ha ha! That's because there's booze in it.

Let's see,

you were first caught naked in a hallway...

and now you'll be drunk onstage.

The grant's mine. Heh.

Good day, madam.

F***!

Yo, D-bag, what'd you do with my hat?

Mm, I guess someone stole it.

That's what you get for leaving it

on the prop table.

Oh, my God, you pud-whacker.

I know you did something with it.

Yo, hey, everyone, gather round. Come on.

Guys, let's gather round. Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Now, I know we've all worked really hard...

for the last few months, and at this point...

I really don't care

about winning the contest...

and neither should you.

The only thing that you guys

should be concentrating on...

is remembering your motherfucking lines

and your cues.

OK. So, um, break a leg.

Tonight we present our second finalist...

Death by Blackout...

written by Robin Daniels

of Billingsley University.

Let's give them a warm

college cruise welcome.

Ah, the first of the guests has arrived.

Hello, sir,

and welcome to the Hibbert estate.

Whom may I say has arrived?

Harvey Jadin, American capitalist,

at your service.

May I take your hat?

Uh, well, you could...

if some dickhole hadn't stolen it!

Ah, excuse me.

That must be another guest.

Ah.

I have coffee.

Oh, God, I love you. I was dying here.

All right, listen to me.

These have got to be set.

This is for Gerri, all right?

Do not let her put it away.

Somebody grab that monkey.

Leave my monkey alone.

- Hey!

- I swear to God...

"I swear to God." Whatever, psycho.

Excuse me.

He's touching my bag, my prop table.

Listen to me!

Oh, my G...

you two are disturbing my Wa.

Choo Choo, don't go onstage.

Son of a...

Eww.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

I give to you your host...

Lewison Hibbert.

Lewison, darling...

who are all these people?

All in good time, my dear.

Uhh. The play's gonna be fine.

Can I get another one?

Your husband is quite bold...

to set it out in the middle

of the room as it is.

Oh ho! Yes!

Probably because it's a fake. Heh.

Well, I am an expert

on carbonaceous deposits...

which have crystallized

into metastable dodecahedra...

or diamonds.

Hmm.

I'll have a look.

Ah, ye...

yes.

Hey, it didn't break.

It's the Pharaoh's Heart.

Yes...

the many facets of the Heart of U'die...

so beautiful, like looking at the face of God!

Cadwell, I'd like that drink...

before my ascot goes out of style.

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Here you go, sir.

Well, my guests...

As soon as I finish this drink we can dine.

And lights out.

What's the meaning of this, Hibbert?

It must be the storm.

What was that?

Everyone remain where you are.

Uh-oh.

Sir! Mr. Hibbert!

Please, give Mr. Hibbert some room.

Room isn't what he needs. He's dead.

Ohh! Mr. Niles! Call an ambulance.

Everyone just stay calm.

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