Double Wedding Page #3

I never had a house like yours.

I never had anyone to tell me

what to eat and when to eat it...

...what to think and how to think it,

what to wear, whom to marry.

I never had anybody to live my life for me

but I've had a beautiful time.

And if that's being a halfwit,

I think I'll try to get rid of the other half.

Making fun of respectability

is the easiest form of wit, Mr. Lodge.

Come, Waldo. Wait a minute.

You can't go out on the street like that.

Look at your tie.

She's right. I'm for you, lady.

I love my wife.

- You should talk, you ain't seen your wife.

- I'm going home soon as I finish my beer.

- Come, Waldo. Irene.

- That's it. Run along, little puppies.

- Don't you dare call them puppies.

- Don't you tell me what to call anybody.

- I'm not Waldo.

- Thank heaven.

Puppies.

You're the most revolting,

cheap, four-flushing...

- Ah-ah-ah. Don't hit her.

- He'll answer to me if he does.

- If you were only a man.

- If you weren't a woman.

- Don't call that lady a woman.

- Margit, don't make a scene.

- I'm not making a scene.

- Now, who's acting like the ape?

- Yeah.

- Margit...

I've tried to be a lady, but I'm going to have

to put myself on your level to be understood.

You're the lowest, most contemptible...

You're beneath contempt.

You haven't enough character for that.

You dissolute, conceited...

Vagrant.

Did you hear what she called me?

A vagrant.

"Yumph. "

Margit, isn't he wonderful?

You children must be very tired.

Go home and take a hot tub

and I'll meet you at the office at 10:30.

- I'd like a shower.

- Showers make your hair fall out.

Really, Margit, it's just a personal matter

with me. I'd like a shower.

No, a tub.

And be sure to wear a bathing cap.

Hello, darling.

- Feeling better?

- No.

Oh, it wasn't your fault.

You were obviously under the influence

of that rundown genius.

You know, I've been thinking.

I believe you two should be married

as soon as possible. Not wait until May.

Margit, the time has come...

Yes?

- Whatever you say, Margit.

- Then I think perhaps next Sunday.

I'm afraid that'll be impossible.

- Impossible?

- Quite. I don't love Waldo anymore.

- But, darling...

- I have a right to love whom I please.

Then, whom would you love

except Waldo?

I'm in love with someone else.

Irene, who?

- Irene. Not that...

- That Charlie.

I'm insane about him.

Waldo, did you know about this?

No, but I can understand it.

He's got "yumph. "

He's got a monopoly on it.

To know Charlie is to love him.

Then you shouldn't have introduced them.

You knew of her silly dream

of wanting to be an actress.

And you deliberately bring her

in contact with a maniac...

...who calls himself a picture director,

who makes fantastic promises to her.

Irene, darling.

Irene, please be sane for once.

This man is only making a fool of you.

Waldo loves you.

Yes, if Waldo loved me, he wouldn't let me

get infatuated with Charlie.

Waldo, I'm afraid you're going

to have to assume a position.

Well, I can't force Irene to love me.

She'll have to decide that for herself.

Oh, if you only had one breath of...

- "Yumph. "

- Yes, "yumph," you'd tear his eyes out.

Instead of that,

you go with them on their orgies.

As a chaperon, I suppose.

Well, why should I lose Charlie's friendship

just because Irene loves him and not me?

The only thing to do

is to be philosophical about it.

- It is not. Where does this man live?

- In an empty lot right next to Spike's Place.

In a trailer. If you'll excuse me,

I can't keep my eyes open another minute.

It's an auto-trailer.

He doesn't have to pay any rent.

Thinks everybody ought to live

in an auto-trailer.

- Oh, he does?

- He calls it the covered wagon of the future.

He says that if...

That was sweet of you, Waldo.

- Oh, I didn't know you were awake.

- That's why it was sweet.

Waldo.

Yes, Irene?

Are you sure you don't mind

if I'm infatuated with Charlie?

- Irene?

- Yes, Waldo?

- No.

- No, what?

No, I don't guess I mind.

Oh.

Just a minute.

- Who rang that gong?

- I did.

- But you mustn't. It's for the telephone.

- Telephone?

Well, yes, I get all my calls

over at Spike's Place.

Whenever they want me on the telephone,

they ring my gong. You mustn't.

It must waste quite a bit of time.

Oh, yes, I love to waste time.

That's why I got the trailer for.

Did you ever live in a trailer?

It's the only way to live.

Now, take you for example.

You live in a house.

Every morning you wake up, look out

the window, everything is the same.

Day in and day out.

That's the trouble with modern civilization.

It's so static.

What were you going to say?

- Would it make any difference?

- No.

Oh. Almost forgot.

How do you like it? Well, considering

it was done just from memory.

I started it this morning after you busted up

our little party over at Spike's Place.

Yes, you've got a very interesting face.

It's quite beautiful.

Yes, even more so than your sister.

And she's very gorgeous,

but your face has more character.

There's a certain aloofness.

Yes, there's a sense of repression.

You know, if I could just prevail

upon you to pose for me...

I don't want my portrait done, Mr. Lodge.

Least of all by you.

Well, then, what did you wake me up for?

You smoke too much.

That's my business.

Miss Agnew, I'm afraid your attitude

toward me is a little bit...

...well, pardon the expression, sharp.

It'll be sharper presently.

- What have you done to my sister?

- You mean generally or specifically?

You may think she's in love with you

but she's temporarily infatuated.

I haven't the foggiest

what you're talking about.

You needn't lie, Mr. Lodge.

I've just come from Irene

and she's confessed everything.

She's conf...

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Well, all right,

suppose I am in love with Irene?

- Suppose she's in love with me?

- I'm very sorry but I can't permit it.

Irene's happiness is the most

important thing in the world to me.

You'd make her miserable,

you'd ruin her life. I'll not stand for it.

Now, see here, Miss Margit

of Margit Incorporated...

...you can't dictate to love.

- I'm not interested in love.

- Well, you should be.

A woman as intelligent

and beautiful as you are.

- Let me tell you something about love.

- You needn't bother, Mr. Lodge.

Love is a strange thing.

And it takes one of two courses.

Either the people

like each other enormously...

...or they pretend

to dislike each other enormously.

Now, when I first realized

that I was in love, with Irene of course...

...why, we were sitting right here.

She was sitting there

and I was sitting here.

And then we spoke of love.

It was very strange. We were sitting here

just as you and I are now.

Looking into each other's eyes

just as you and I are now.

Mr. Lodge,

I appeal to you as a gentleman.

Oh, I'm afraid you've got me confused

with somebody else.

I'm a vagrant.

Then, I order you, I forbid you to have any

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