Double Wedding Page #7

- Oh, thanks, Keough.

Hello, Claire. How are you, darling?

This is Charlie.

Charlie. Charlie Lodge.

I used to be your husband, remember?

Well, how are you, dear?

Say, you know the funniest thing.

I was thinking about you just this morning.

I was looking at a picture of a tiger

in some magazine.

It made me think of the time

we were hunting in Africa.

We got lost and had to spend the night in

a tree because you were afraid of snakes.

And you insisted upon coming down.

You said you'd feel safer

with the snakes, remember?

Well, where you having dinner, dear?

Oh, no, no, no, you be my guest.

All right, all right, darling.

I'll be right over and get you.

All right, sweet. Goodbye.

Well...

Oh, magnificent woman.

I met her in Bangkok.

It was the rainy season.

Oh, well, I guess I gotta be going.

I'll look you up, Stonewall.

- Goodbye, darling.

- Goodbye.

Oh, excuse me. Well, toodle-loo.

- Shall I have Mr. Flint come in now?

- No, tell him I'll see him tomorrow.

You may go, Felice.

- Leave some aspirin on your desk for me.

- Yes, Miss Agnew.

The way I come to find out about his wife

was very funny.

A friend of mine works in a lawyer's office

and he was telling me tha...

You may report tomorrow, Keough.

Tell Mrs. Keough to leave some aspirin

by my bed.

Aspirin, yes, ma'am.

I'm sort of confused, Mrs. Bly.

Something's happened to me.

Oh, that's all right, baby.

Don't let it get you down.

It happens to everyone.

- What?

- It.

- We're not talking about the same thing.

- Oh, yes, we are.

I never dreamed I could hate anyone

the way I hated him.

When I was rude to him,

I enjoyed every minute of it.

That was in the beginning.

But the ruder I got,

the more considerate he got.

- He's a terrible man, an awful man.

- Horrible.

If I had a daughter and she fell in love

with him, I'd wring her neck.

But I'd envy her. A liar and a horse thief.

And you've fallen in love with him.

Say, you smoke too much.

My good man, you may wait.

Yes, sir.

Stonewall.

Ahhh.

Stonewall, hey.

Stonewall, come on.

- Up you get.

- Oh, get out of here.

Come on now, upsy-daisy. Come on.

Hey.

- Oochy, koochy, koochy...

- Hey, what's the idea?

- Charlie Horse.

- Stonewall.

- Get me water, quick.

- Do I burn?

Oh, and how.

Say, I'm glad you're here.

I have something I wanna tell you,

young man.

- Me too.

- Okay, shoot.

- No, you first.

- No, you.

- No, you.

- Charlie.

- Stonewall.

- I don't know whether you're worth it.

Ten to one, you're not,

But I'm gonna tell you anyway.

Come on over here.

I can't see so far away in the morning.

Come on over here.

Say, you're acting like an awful sap.

Do you know it?

- Think so?

- Yes, I do.

Well, maybe you're right.

- You kind of like her, don't you?

- I'm nuts about her.

Sure. You wouldn't be

my Charlie Horse, if you weren't.

- She's nuts about you too.

- Oh, I know that.

- What are you gonna do about it?

- That's what I stopped in to tell you.

I wanted to invite you to my wedding.

I'm marrying Margit at 3 this afternoon.

Yes, sir.

I'm marrying Irene at 3:00 this afternoon.

You're marrying Irene

at 3:
00 this afternoon?

- That's right, 3:00.

- This afternoon?

Yes, this afternoon.

- Haven't you something to say to that?

- Look here, Lodge.

I congratulate you.

- Oh, yes, thanks, Waldo.

- You're a very lucky man.

Yes, yes.

Irene is certainly a marvelous girl.

Only you're not in love with her.

Well, well...

Well, of course, it just happens

that she's in love with me.

Yes, but... I mean...

- You will come to the wedding?

- Well, of course, I'll come.

I guess. If I'm invited.

Oh, you're invited.

- How would you like to be best man?

- Well, thanks, Charlie.

- That's mighty generous of you.

- Not at all, Waldo.

The ceremony is at 3:00.

- Three o'clock.

- Yes, 3:
00 sharp.

- Sharp.

- And, Waldo, don't be late.

Don't be late.

Oh, and, Waldo.

Don't take anything to drink, will you?

Waldo, you know, you're a very

different person when you drink.

And Irene and I don't want a scene.

- Hello, Irene.

- Hello, Waldo.

I'm glad you haven't left yet.

I was just waiting for the taxi.

- I wanted to see you before you left.

- What did you want to see me about?

Why, I guess

I just wanted to say goodbye.

Oh.

- Well, goodbye, Waldo.

- Goodbye, Irene.

- Is that all, Waldo?

- Irene.

Yes, Waldo?

Would you kiss me goodbye?

Taxi is waiting, Miss Irene.

My, it hardly took the taxi

any time at all to get here.

Well, you see, it's only two

and seven-tenths miles to the taxi stand.

Well, see you.

See you in church.

Look here, Keough. Get to...

- Have we any whisky in the house?

- Only for medicinal purposes.

Well, I'm sick.

Mrs. Lodge, would you mind telling me

the grounds for your divorce?

Desertion, Miss Agnew.

- What do you mean by that?

- By what?

- Ah.

- It's as I expected.

That Charlie was a vile monster,

cruel and sadistic.

Who tormented his wife until

he grew tired of her and then left her flat.

- Is that it?

- Roughly.

No, Miss Agnew.

I'm afraid the fault was mostly mine.

You see, Charlie hadn't a penny

when I married him.

- And I had scads of money.

- He married you for your money.

Oh, not at all. He left me for my money.

That is, on account of my money.

He insisted upon my living in the style

to which he was accustomed.

And all Charlie had in the world

was an auto-trailer.

And he wanted me to live in it

and follow the birds.

Well, I couldn't see that.

Of course,

I offered to compromise on a yacht.

But he couldn't see that.

In fact, he wanted me to give away all

my money so we could start from scratch.

Well, I refused to give all my money away,

so we parted company.

But there are some things

money can't buy.

That's a bit of gypsy philosophy

he taught you.

You see, Miss Agnew,

I wanted to make Charlie over to suit me.

I wanted a well-ordered life,

with breakfast at 8, and cold showers.

Everything loathsome to a man like Charlie.

If you wanna keep Charlie in love

with you, don't try to change him.

Just make up your mind

you're in an asylum.

And married to the head lunatic.

Laugh with him, cry with him.

But don't try to destroy

the thing about him that you love him for.

There's nothing I love him for.

Not one solitary thing.

- Why, aren't you in love with him?

- Certainly not.

- Then you aren't going to marry him?

- Oh, don't be absurd.

Well, that's very funny...

...because he asked me

to come to his wedding this afternoon.

Oh?

At 3:
00.

- Oh.

- At his trailer.

Oh!

- Yes, who is it?

- Open the door at once.

Oh.

Hello. Come in.

For once your door wasn't wide open.

Is it a guilty conscience?

No, no, I was busy.

I just didn't wanna be disturbed.

Well, you're going to be disturbed,

plenty.

Oh, Irene is with you.

If you're hiding her,

why didn't you hide her luggage too?

I'm not hiding her. She's gone shopping.

Now, now, please don't get excited,

Miss Agnew.

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