Down with Love Page #8

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Come on. Get dressed.

We're going out. You have to

start circulating again.

- Ooh, where's your little black book?

- I threw it away.

"I don't care about sex anymore. "

- I just wanna be married.

- "Well, me too, but fat chance. "

These "Down With Love" girls!

It's revenge against men!

And it's all your fault, lover boy!

That's why they all act like you!

Stop the presses.

I've got a cover story that'll

make "KNOW" magazine sell...

like no magazine

has never sold before.

"Catcher Block Exposed:

How Falling in Love with Barbara Novak

Made Me a New Man. "

It's my public love letter. It's not

from me, or at least not the old me.

It's from the new me, the new man that

Barbara Novak could fall in love with.

- Come on, Mac! Let's get this baby to print!

- We're not going to print.

Haven't you noticed?

We have no secretaries.

Every girl in New York City

has quit her job.

They all wanna

go work for your Barbara Novak.

- For Barbara? Where?

- Oh-ho-ho.

Novak topped you again.

It's here!

"Down With Love" chocolate.

- A mouthful of satisfaction

in every bite.

Vikki, you are a genius!

Look, your book

got chocolate sales to soar.

Why shouldn't we get a piece

of the action?

It sure killed my craving for sex.

The only man who could have his way

with me now is Milton Hershey.

Boy, am I glad it finally occurred to you

that you were a multimillionaire...

many times over and we could

start our own business.

And to think I came that close to

getting married and giving all this up.

I was really starting to believe that

women weren't cut out for the workplace...

when the only problem was

the workplace wasn't cut out for women.

Banner House bastards.

The word is out that Novak/Hiller

International is cut to order.

Girls are lined up around the block to

apply for the job as my private secretary.

And that's not all. Catcher Block

is here. He wants to see you.

Well, call the guard,

because I don't wanna see him.

- You have to see him. He's an applicant.

- Ooh.

- For heaven's sake.

- At the risk of sounding like my mother...

just stay perfectly still

and let him get it over with.

Mrs. Litzer.

Send in the first applicant,

please.

Okay, "Novick. "

Over and out.

Another ruse, Catcher? You know

I have no interest in seeing you.

But you know you have to.

And you know I know you have to.

I'm sure you know how things are

at "KNOW" ever since your new "Now. "

I have no way of knowing

how things are now at "KNOW."

I knew how things were

at "KNOW" before now.

Then you should know now at "KNOW"

things are a lot like they are at "Now. "

We have to interview every applicant

for every job, and so do you...

or you'd be going against

"Now's" definition of discrimination...

and you wouldn't want the readers of "Now"

or "KNOW" to know that, now, would you?

Have a seat, Mr. Block.

Your application?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Oh, dear.

Unfortunately, the secretary job doesn't

quite pay as much as your current job...

so I guess that's that.

Good-bye, Mr. Block.

Oh, have a candy bar for your trouble.

And thanks again

for thinking of us.

But I'm always thinking of you,

Miss Novak.

I can't stop thinking of you.

And I'd like you

to reconsider considering me.

- Even at a pay cut of 96.6%?

- It's only money.

Besides,

I've been on top for so long...

I thought it might be nice

to try a new position.

And you think you could be comfortable

in a position under a woman?

I look forward to it.

Starting at the bottom...

working my way up slowly

to the top.

Still, I'm afraid

that a man of your experience...

would be too distracted working

in a predominantly female workplace.

Not at all. You see, I'm not really

interested in women la carte anymore.

The next time I get involved with

a woman, it'll be to settle down.

Well, I wouldn't want you stealing one

of the women from my workforce...

just to put her away

in a house in the suburbs.

Oh, I wouldn't want that either.

I'm what you might call a new man.

Oh, is that so?

And I'm looking

for a new kind of love.

"Catcher Block Exposed"?

"How Falling in Love with Barbara Novak"

"Made Me a New Man. '"'

Oh, sure.

And to put yourself on top...

you just happened to have had

to expose me as Nancy Brown...

in your attempt

to win a Nobel prize.

I never said a word

about Nancy Brown.

And the only prize

I wanted to win was you.

Crazy, isn't it? After all our tricking

each other, all our game playing...

I'm the one who wound up here

with the love letter...

and you're the one

with the scoop.

Still, I'll keep my eye

on the billboards...

and maybe one day

you'll do a piece...

on how you became someone in between

the bashful, brunette Nancy Brown...

and the cool, blond

Barbara Novak.

That's a piece

I could really go for.

One, two, three...

four, five.

Hmm.

Someone between a blond

and a brunette?

Scooped you again.

I knew you would.

I knew the minute I placed an ad

as an equal-opportunity employer...

you would be the first to apply.

And I knew you knew and you'd

let me in to ask you to marry me.

But you didn't know I'd say yes.

- Vegas?

- We can get married there on the spot.

- I'm not letting you get away again... ever.

- Oh, Catch.

- I love you, Barbara.

- I know.

I'm sorry. You'll have to hold.

- Peter?

- Vikki?

Do you wanna marry me or not?

I'm not giving up my career.

I wouldn't ask you to.

Then it's a deal?

- Deal!

- Deal!

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

it's official.

The battle of the sexes is over.

What's that?

Don't believe me?

Well, here's the proof.

Please give a warm welcome to the coauthors

of the new book, "Here's to Love... "

Mrs. Barbara Novak-Block

and Mr. Catcher Block.

# Barbara, I'd like

to propose a toast #

#To the topic I dig the most #

# Catch, let me dust off

my lovin' cup #

# Hey, bartender, fill 'er up #

# Look how the neon

starts to flicker #

# Love's like a shot

but works much quicker #

#And you're a man

who can hold his liquor #

# Cheers, here's to love #

# I'm an old-fashioned

and you're the cherry #

# I've got a thirst that's legendary #

#That's why I fired your secretary #

# Cheers, here's to love #

- # Life's a martini #

- #And you're the shaker #

- #And, baby, I sure packed a punch #

- Hey!

#You make Dean Martin

look like a Quaker #

- # But now it's only you for dinner #

- Breakfast.

- And lunch.

- # I hear the march that's calling for us #

#We'll walk down the aisle

to an angels' chorus #

# I'll be your Rock

if you'll be my Doris #

# Sweet heavens above #

#Why is the waiter smiling at us #

# He knows what we're thinking of #

- # Oh, can the tears #

- # Cheers #

# Baby, here's to love #

#You've got the lips

to wet my whistle #

# If that doesn't get ya

maybe this'll #

# Cupid just launched

a guided missile #

# Cheers, here's to love #

#Your eyes are so intoxicating #

# Bottoms up, babe

let's get to mating #

# I bet it bears re-it-erating #

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